Old and New Jokes

Nothing ever comes out as planned.

Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Its Not My Job!

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer orpublisher, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After carefulconsideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept yourrefusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish mybook]. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving anunusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied andpromising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept allrefusals.

Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]s outstandingqualifications and previous experience in rejecting[applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with myneeds at this time. Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] withyour firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. — get creativehere]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].

Sincerely,

[your name]

SNAFU Equations: 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices wont. 5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves.

Anthonys Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.

The following are ways to detirmine whether a truck is company owned:

1. Company trucks travel faster in all gears.

2. They accelerate much faster than personal trucks, leaving tire marks on pavement.

3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance, leaving more tire marks.

4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private trucks.

5. Company trucks normally require oil changes at 100,000 mile intervals.

6. Their floors are shaped like ash trays, and accommodate milk cartons, coke bottles, leftover food, and paper wrappers.

7. They can be driven 100 miles or more with the oil pressure light flashing.

8. They are adapted to allow the transmission to be shifted into reverse while going forward at 20 mph.

9. Their tire walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.

10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning the radio volume up.

11. Company trucks are not designed to be washed or waxed or to retain hubcaps.

12. All company trucks have many dents in the body, inflicted by a mysterious person called not me.

All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it wont.

No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.

Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another.