Q: How many Meredith students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five – two to write a song, two to make a t-shirt, and one to change it.
31
Dec
31
Dec
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
31
Dec
Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.
31
Dec
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and childs table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
31
Dec
This law was inadvertently left blank.
31
Dec
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
31
Dec
There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.
31
Dec
As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
31
Dec
The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
31
Dec
When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue
When you are married ….You make sure theres nothing flammable near your husband…… at all time
When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and says What are you going to drink?
When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public
When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isnt THAT bad
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ….You think to yourself….Was he ALWAYS this hairy????
When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ….You tell him If we have sex, will you leave me alone???
When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you …for no reason
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first
When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all mushy
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating….. He knows what the hamper is
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
When you are dating….. He understands if you arent in the mood
When you are married ….He says Its your job.
When you are dating….. He understands that you have male friends
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are dating….. He likes to discuss things
When you are married ….He develops a blank stare
When you are dating….. He calls you by name
When you are married ….He calls you Hey and refers to you when speaking to others as She.