They say when a man holds a womans hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
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Dec
31
Dec
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
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Dec
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
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Dec
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What youd better have around de yard if youre going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesnt appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when youre mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre sure youre not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
31
Dec
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!
The golfer, annoyed, says, What is it?
Its a special golf ball, says the salesman. You can never lose it!
Whattaya mean, scoffs the golfer, you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?
No problem, says the salesman. It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.
Well, what if you hit it into the woods?
Easy, says the salesman. It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.
Okay, says the golfer, impressed. But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?
No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! Im telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!
The golfer buys it at once. Just one question, he says to the salesman. Where did you get it?
I found it.
31
Dec
A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life.
The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: Maxwell Coffeehouse. The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, Satisfaction to the last drop… So the mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: Rothmans. So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE. And the mother was happy.
Then it was the third ones wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: BRITISH AIRWAYS.
The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted.
The ad read: TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.
31
Dec
Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of looming retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.
The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year.
The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, Im one of eighteen kids in my family.
The first fellows eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.
The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing. With a big grin he added, My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, Do you want to go to sleep, or what? and my mom would say, What?
31
Dec
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
31
Dec
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
31
Dec
Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.