Old and New Jokes

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.

15 minutes looking for assignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

8 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

All marriages are happy–its the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

Suzie went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your husbands face while youre having sex?

Well, yes, I did once, answered Suzie.

Well, how did he look? asked the shrink.

Very angry.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, Well Suzie, thats very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only ever seen your husbands face once during sex? That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?

Suzie replied, He was looking through the window at us.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother–I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

There were these three couples; one elderly, one middle aged, and one newly-wed that wanted to join the church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained, and they replied, Yes, no problem! So the minister says, Welcome to the church! Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question, and they said, Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it! So the minister says to them, Welcome to the church! Then the minister asks the newly wed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks. The husband says, We were unable to abstain, on the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me. So the minister says, Im sorry, but you are both banned from this church! To this the husband replies, Thats O.K., we cant go back to Safeway, either.

Disclaimer: Even my wife doesnt agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers dont love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.

Who has the ring?

When the groom asks the best man for the ring, he turns and nervously says he doesnt have it, who then turns to the next groomsman and asks the same question, and so on until the last person turns and grabs a giant box of Cracker Jacks that contained the wedding ring.

The whole church was rolling as the best man and his co-horts had the last laugh. It was truely classic.

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind dates door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

Ill be ready in a few minutes, she said. Why dont you play with Spot, my dog, while youre waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, hell jump through.

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through–over the balcony railing. Just then Johns date walked out.

Isnt Spot the cutest, happiest dog youve ever seen?

To tell the the truth, he replied, Spot seemed a little depressed to me!

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

We must respect the other fellows religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. — H.L. Mencken