Old and New Jokes

Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that love handles referred to her ears?

Things came to a head last week and the name Monica Lewinsky is fast
becoming a real mouthful at the White House. The latest news about
President Clinton is definitely hard to swallow and seems certain to
leave a nasty taste in the mouth of the current administration. It
will be some time before all the stains resulting from this issue are
removed from the Oval Office.

Monica Lewinsky has proved to be not as tight lipped as Clinton had
hoped and is expected to spit out the truth to a Grand Jury tomorrow.
She will surely go down in history for her orations concerning the
comings and goings behind the doors of the Oval Office. Monica was
apparently on her knees when she received the recent gagging order
from the White House and now has to decide whether to swallow her pride
and dispose of the evidence, or to succumb to the deep throated
rumblings of the Washington Press Corp. and spill the issue wide open.

Any attempt by Lewinsky to suck up to Clinton can only be construed as
lip service and Clinton would be advised to try and minimize the
impact of this, the latest in a long series of blows he has received
since coming to power. Despite this latest blow, job security for the
President seems to be assured, as he can rely on his proven oral
skills to promote a career in public speaking, being, as he has often
shown, a cunning linguist. (Although Hillary Clinton may disagree with
this, as she claims she is rarely on the end of a tongue lashing from
Bill!)

Miss Lewinsky is from a naval background and her choice of Bill
Clinton as a lover is somewhat surprising, given her preference for
seamen. According to her lawyer, Miss Lewinsky likes to see men in
power and relished the thought of taking a length of time to chew things
over with the President, whenever she could fit him in. And the
President was equally keen to see Miss Lewinsky, always putting on a
spurt when he entered her office.

Miss Leweinsky has apparently been offered a PR job by Listerine, who
described her as spunky enough for any job. Her name has also been
associated with Big Gulp soda advertising and Kleenex.

Whats the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business?

The Oral Office.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?

A: To see what was on the other side.

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in
common?

They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Tonya Harding supposedly saved an 81-year-old womans life at the Lost
and Found Bar in Portland by performing CPR on her (the medics said the
woman had merely fainted). Says Jay Leno: And I guess out of force of
habit she performed mouth-to-mouth on three bikers at the pool table,
too.

My classmate, Susan, and I are in the middle of our thesis rewrites for
Johns Hopkins University. We only have two weeks left and we are both
quite razzled at the prospect of doing more research in the remaining
time.

Today Susan called me to say that she desperately needed more history
about a small tribe of Native Americans that lives in the Grand Canyon
but theres only one telephone on the reservation and no one ever answers
it.

As a matter of fact, the three times she visited the tribes Visitor
Center while she was on vacation, she said no one ever opened up the
building.

Being a computer geek, I said, Have you checked the Internet?

She said, No, what a great idea! Thanks.

I did a quick check using Excite while she used Yahoo and she was
astounded at the information available about this little-known tribe.
She thanked me profusely for the tip and hung up.

Two hours later, she called me back sounding absolutely miserable.

Susan, I said, Whats the matter?

Well, she said, Youre not going to believe it but they have their own
Web page with all the information I could ever want about the tribe.

Thats great, I said. What more could you ask for?

You dont understand, she said. My article is about how isolated the
tribe is and how their only path to the outside world is a little dirt
trail up the side of the canyon! On their Web page, they even have a
scanned photo of the helicopter that brought the donated PC into the
canyon.

Moral of the story: Sometimes ignorance is bliss — especially when
youre trying to finish a thesis on time.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the
money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled —
leaving his wallet on the counter.

Chicago –30-year-old Emad Haddad was shot and killed Friday afternoon
after chasing two men whod robbed his store-Sunburst Food and Liquors-on
Chi-Towns bright and glamorous 79th Street.

According to cops, two gents toting semi-auto pistols robbed the stores
registers. Witnesses say Emad The Genius (as he will be remembered) ran
after the men with a two-shot derringer and took a shot at em.
They returned the favor with a hail of bullets.
Haddad was struck in the head and died on the spot.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del.,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.