After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!
A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk, and the burnette goes, Oh look, a dead bird, and the blonde looks up at the sky and goes, Where?
A fellow has a week off from work and decides to play a round of golf every day.
First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, shes very attractive. Hes interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together.
She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesnt have a car. All in all its been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the mornings company and competition and says she hasnt enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. He pulls up to her house, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation…
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. Hes actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each others company and playing a tight competitive round of golf.
Again she beats him at the last hole, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she cant agree to this. He cant figure out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.
You see, she tearfully sobs, Im a transvestite.
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
Im sorry, she repeats.
You bastard, he screams, red in the face, You cheating bastard. Youve been playing off the womens tees all week!!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
Sip the vodka, dont gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say ,Eat me.
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the Mary with the cherry.
The reccomended grace before a meal is not:Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I dont scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.Damn women drivers!
This old lady walks into the Doctors office and says, Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. Its not really a social problem, because you cant smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you.
The Doctor nods his head and says, Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me.
The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still cant hear them, but now they smell horrible!
The Doctor again nods his head and says, Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now lets work on your hearing.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa!
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes, committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently dont know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles How Not to Rob a Bank, by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules arent followed:
Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you dont follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you dont want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
Dont sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robbers signature and account number.
Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his weapon.
Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope. The teller said, All Ive got is two twenties. The robber took them and left.
Dont advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the tellers car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
Dont be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places – as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.
A man won $5,000,000 in the state lotto. He immediately called his wife with the good news. Honey, guess what! I just won $5,000,000 in the lottery! Start packing, Ill be home in about two hours. Thats GREAT dear! Oh, should I pack for warm weather, or for cold? Heck, I dont care. Just be gone when I get there!
Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.