Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter, said one.

No! He agreed to marry MY daughter, said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

Bring me my biggest sword, said Solomon, and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.

Sounds good to me, said the first lady.

But the other woman said, Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other womans daughter marry him.

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. The attorney must marry the first ladys daughter, he proclaimed.

But she was willing to hew him in two! exclaimed the kings court.

Indeed, said wise King Solomon. That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.

Did you hear about the redneck who was shootin craps?

He blew a hole in the toilet.

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays.

One small boys reply went like this:

We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarted and they moved to Arizona.

They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they dont do them very well.

There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they dont know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fastfood restaurants.

As you come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they cant get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they dont know who they are.

My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house wont let them out.

These Lawyer jokes are from the Nolo Press newspaper.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

Why dont you ever see lawyers at the beach?

The cats keep covering them up with sand.

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

Look, said one to the other, lets be honest with each other.

Okay, you first, replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

Hard drive — Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard —- Place to hang your truck keys.

Window —— Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Floppy —— When you run out of Polygrip.

Modem ——- How you got rid of your dandelions.

ROM ——— Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

Byte ——– First word in a kiss-off phrase.

Reboot —— What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

Network —– Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

Mouse ——- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

LAN——– To borrow as in, Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.

Cursor —— What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

bit ——— A wager as in, I bit you cant spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.

digital control — What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

packet —— What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike? A: It was going too fast for her to get on.

A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover.

As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.

What a relief!

Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 20-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, Now dont tell me youve never seen one of these!

She replied, Youre right, Daddy, I have. Its just that Ive never seen one being reloaded!!

What do you call a bear with no socks on?

Bear foot, of course!

What happened? asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
Well, I went to the Amusement Park at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldnt make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldnt see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.
And did you manage to see what the sign said this time? asked the visitor.
Yes.
What did it say?
Dont stand up in the car!

If your child asks how Santa Claus gets into the house, just tell him he comes in through a large hole in daddys wallet.