Old and New Jokes

Q: What does Hillary Clinton and Tampons have in common?

A: They are both stuck-up cunts!

Two fathers and a rabbi decided to go swimming in a local lake one HOT day. So, they stripped and went swimming. As they were getting out, some ladies were strolling by the lake. One father yelled, Cover your privates! So both fathers covered that area, but the rabbi covered his face. Later, the other father asked, Why did you cover your face? The rabbi answered, I dont know for you two, but itd be my face theyd recognise.

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window. Oh no! he screamed, One of the engines just blew up! Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldnt maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. Say, spoke up an alert passenger, Arent those parachutes? The pilot confirmed that they were.The passenger went on, But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about? There isnt, replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. Were going to go get help!

You might be a redneck if…
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?

I sure did, responded the pessimist. Your dog cant swim!

A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show A window was something you hated to clean…. And RAM was the cousin of a goat…..

MEG was the name of my girlfriend And GIG was your middle finger upright Now they all mean different things And that really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public Youd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spiders home And a virus was the flu

I guess ill stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy whos dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven? The guy replies, Im Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City.Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and its the ministers turn.He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Marys for the last forty-three years.Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.Just a minute, says the minister. That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?Up here, we work by results, says Saint Peter. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When hes done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, How about my money, the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said…PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, “I am a taxi driver from Noo Yok Siddy.”
Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, “That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?”
The angel replies, “Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray.”

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his
days in the air force. (Joke best delivered with a good thick accent)

In 1942, he says, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very
strong air force. I remember, he continues, one day I was protecting the
bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and
shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was
another fokker behind me.

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys
start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, I think I should point
out that Fokker was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company

Thats true, says the pilot, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts.