A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony.
The doctor prescribed continued intravenious feedings of water and electolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.
What good will Viagra do him in that condition? the nurse inquired.
The doctor replied, It will keep the sheet off of him.
(to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song)
From CyberLaughs
Dere once was a story bout a man named Bill,
da poor president couldnt keep his willie still.
Then one day he was working at his desk
When in comes Monica and shows him her chest.
Boobs, that is. Two of em. Bodacious ta tas…
Yall kneel down now, ya hear?
Well da next ting ya know Monicas on her knees
Mouth open wide and happy as you please.
Bill says, Oh yeah dont say a ting
If you do a good job well have a fling.
Blow job, that is. White House scandal…
Well Bill lost his cool and he came upon her dress.
He said clean it up cuz you really look a mess.
And youre invited here to this locality,
to have a heaping helping of little Willie C.
Week after week Monicas on her knees
Keeping little Willie C as happy as you please.
Then one day she contains herself no more
She let out her story about being a White House whore.
Bad girl that is, blow jobs and bodacious ta tas…
Now we know loose lips sink ships and Monicas a whore.
Hillary is still a bitch, and Bill is still a bore.
The countrys in the toilet and the people cry No More!
But if we oust the cheating jerk we have to live with Gore.
Boob that is, one great big one. Got his head stuck in a tree…
So now you heard the story bout our Preserdent.
Wonderin if dis little fling will cost him every cent.
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly.
Dont lust for your interns sexual hospitality.
YALL CUM BACK NOW, YA HERE!!
A man comes into the ER and yells My wifes going to have her baby in the cab!
The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the ladys dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and hes in the wrong one.
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patients posterior chest wall.
Big breaths, instructed the nurse.
Yes, they used to be, remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a massive internal fart.
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began: Cover your right eye with your hand.
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
Now your left. Again, a flawless read.
Now both, I requested. There was silence. He couldnt even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
A nurses aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed: Youre not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!
During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
Which one?, asked the doctor.
The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now Im running out of places to put it!
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldnt see… Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long have you been bedridden?
After a look of complete confusion she answered: Why not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive.
For those of you who are not fortunate enough to
live in California, here is a copy of the California Drivers Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and
culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have
realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and drivers test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION:Name:___________________ Stage name:________________Agent:___________________
Attorney:_______________________Therapists name:_________________Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___Please list brand of cell phone:________________
*If you dont own a cell phone, please explain:____________________Please check hair color:Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Males: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde [ ] Bald
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] SkinheadPlease check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up (male or female)
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / ReloadingPlease indicate how many times:a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 5 News to report the crime, then watch your car on
You might be a redneck if…
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
The FUCK word!
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language is the word Fuck. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, Fuck falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesnt really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very
few words with the versatility of Fuck.
Besides Its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to
describe many situations:
It can be used in an anatomical description – Hes a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time – Its five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business – How did I end up with this fucking job?
It can be maternal – as in Motherfucker.
Valuable Vocabulary Chart Below:
=====================================================================
Greetings……………………………….How the fuck are you?
Fraud………………………….I got fucked by the car dealer.
Dismay………………………………………….Oh, fuck it.
Trouble………………………….Hell, I guess Im fucked now.
Aggression…………………………………………Fuck you.
Disgust…………………………………………….Fuck me.
Confusion…………………………………..What the fuck…?
Difficulty…………….I dont understand this fucking business.
Despair………………………………………..Fucked again.
Exasperation…………………………………For fucks sake.
Enjoyment………………………………This is fucking great.
Hostility……………..Im going to knock your fucking head off.
Stupidity………………………….Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!
Incompetence……………………………..Hes such a fuck-up.
Ignorance…………………………………….Fuck if I know.
Displeasure…………………….What the fuck is going on here?
Lost…………………………………..Where the fuck are we?
Disbelief………………………………..Unfuckingbelievable!
Retaliation………………………………Up your fucking ass.
Surprise…………………………………………..Fuckin A!
Surprise………………………………..Well, Ill be fucked.
Suspicion…………………………What the fuck are you doing?
Contempt…………………Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!
My sisters first child was born in late August. In November, my sister went deer hunting with us (as she does every year).
Shed made arrangements with my mother to meet her at various times so she could feed her son. The only problem she had was that he didnt much like cold milk.
My sister took to wearing toe-warmers in her bra – no more problems.
Youre over the hill when …
Why couldnt Hellen Keller drive? Shes a woman.
(wgm@mitre-bedford.ARPA (Gregory M. Woodhouse) writes:)
News article:
A hole has been found in the fence surrounding the Happydale
Nudist Colony. Police are looking into it.
Heard on a police radio frequency:
Car 4, please investigate a report of a nude woman at large in the
vicinity of the 700 block of Temple. After a short silence, All
other squads, remain on your beat.
Theodore A. Kaldis