Old and New Jokes

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturning) Of course, I wouldnt expect *you* to understand …

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but cant afford to buy a ticket to go home.

The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.
Ill hide you away on my ship on one condition.
You have to have sex with me when I ask.

She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her hell bring her food and water and shell just have to stay hidden because shell be in big trouble if shes caught.

So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.

Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells STOWAWAY!

Scared she explains: Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!

No kidding? Lady… this is the Staten Island Ferry!

I usually do jokes about the 50s because there wasnt much humorous in the US during the 60s, except for the hippies:

Male Hippies were the guys with the long hair. Actually, it probably came in handy – they didnt have to buy shirts

It really bothered me seeing them comb their shoulder length hair around food – and the girls were just as bad

Every morning at the bus & train stations you could see the hippie chicks using the rest rooms to dirty-up a little

The hippie chicks of that era really didnt have much taste in clothes – Id seen poultry dressed better

And all of the hippies could carry their medicine cabinets right along with them – in brown paper bags

Im not sure which was worst, their body odor or their breath; with all the drugs used, if they breathed on ya, youd go limp

Theres still some old hippies around, but instead of drugs, theyre snorting prunes and Maalox now

Even back then, the hippies tried to legalize marijuana; but… they kept forgetting where they left the petitions

One hippie mixed the ashes from his cremated ex with pot – said it was the only time she ever made him feel good

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to
her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic
fart.

Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, Sir! Please stop that
immediately.

Certainly, madame, replies the waiter with a bow. Which way was it headed?

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat!*… he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he, Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off….

Not so fast, says she. How do you know it was our cat?

Could you describe him? What does he look like?

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said…

He looks like thtsas he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

Oh no, you *horrible* man, she replied.

I meant, what did he look like *before* you hit him?

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!

You might be a redneck if your father walks you to school because youre both in the same grade!

Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power-outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his
little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, He shouldnt have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again.

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, Id like to register my new invention. Its a folding bottle.

OK, says the clerk. What do you call it?

A fottle, replies the inventor.

A fottle? Thats a stupid! Cant you think of something else?

I can think about it. Ive got something else though. Its a folding carton.

And what do you call that? asks the clerk.

A farton, replies the inventor.

Thats rude. You cant possibly call it that!

In that case, says the inventor…

Youre really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.

I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

Can I borrow that quarter, cause my mom told me to call home when I fell in love

Whats wrong? Youre looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.

Are your legs tired? cause you been running through my mind ALL day long.

Are you lost? cause its so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

Is your father a thief? cause he stole the sparkle from the stars, and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared with a snappy answer just in case she says yes)

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

Whats that in your eye? Oh…its a sparkle.

If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?

Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven.

Do you like raisins? How about a date?

So… How am I doin?

I miss my teddy bear…Would you sleep with me?

You look great and all, but do you know whatd really look good on you? Me.

Could I get some directions? (To where?) To your heart.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

Can I flirt with you?

Hi, my names _____, but you can call me lover.

(another quarter line). Could I borrow a quarter? cause I just want to call your mother and thank her.

(lick your finger and then touch her shirt). Here, let me help you out of those wet clothes.

What do you like for breakfast?

Say, did we go to different schools together?

Hi, my name is _____, how do you like me so far?

(At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?

Woman asks, Excuse me, do you have the time? You : Do you have the energy?

You look like the type of girl thats heard every line in the book. So whats one more?

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

Im new in town…could you give me directions to your apartment?

I think youre the most beautiful girl Ive seen…on a Wednesday

I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?

I know I dont look like much now, but Im drinking milk.

Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Are you religious? Good, cause Im here to answer your prayers.

Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.

Inheriting 80 million doesnt mean much when you have a weak heart.

I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

If your parents hadnt met, Id be a very unhappy man right now.

Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.

A little girl asked her father,
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with Once Upon A Time?He replied,
No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with If elected I promise.