A woman goes to her doctor and said she wanted and operation done because her vagina lips were much too large.
She then asked the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she didnt want anyone to find out, so the doctor agreed.
She woke up from her operation only to find three roses carefully placed beside her in bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor. She said to him, I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!.
The doctor told her he did not and not to worry. He then continued… The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation and she had the operation done herself.
Just then the girl asked about the third rose.
The doctor said: Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why do blondes where underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.
A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because its a lot of money.
They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, I make bets.
The president replies, Bets? What kind of bets? and she says, For example, Ill bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.
Ha! says the president, Thats a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet.
The old lady says, So, would you like to take my bet?
Sure, says the president, Ill bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!
The little old lady says, OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 9:00 AM to witness?
Sure, says the president.
That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.
The next morning at 9 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the presidents office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the presidents balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.
The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.
Well, OK says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.
Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, What is wrong with your lawyer?
She replies, Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by noon today Id have The Bank of Americas presidents balls in my hands!
You might be ghetto if the rims on your car cost more than your car does!
Six.
Three fighters to hack apart the ceiling, a mage to fireball whats left of the ceiling, two clerics to heal the wounded in the roof cave-in, a druid to heal the roof and a thief to steal a new
bulb and screw it in.
… and pledges not to move alone unless no one agrees with it
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Bowing to international pressure not to act unilaterally, the United States reversed course today and promised to consult with its allies before doing whatever the hell it was going to do anyway.
Prior to taking action against any enemy nation, such as Iraq, we will confer with our allies, as well as other countries in that region, pledged U.S. President George W. Bush. We will sit down with them. We will begin by explaining what our position is, and then we will …
… no, wait. Thats everything.
The announcement seemingly failed to address unease among world leaders that without their consent, U.S. action against Iraq will lead them all into a wider conflict. Bush, however, said his administration was well aware of international concerns, and would handle them internally.
Except for effect, the administration said its new stance overturns earlier, much-maligned statements insisting America would act unilaterally, if necessary, to oust enemy regimes. But the President said he recently was shown a new perspective by Secretary of State Colin Powell, who is generally regarded as a check on the administrations hawks.
Colin Powell told me that acting alone was not in our long-term interests because, as he put it, No man is an island, Bush recalled. Of course, I pointed out that America is a nation, not a man, and that lots of nations are islands, so his argument was pretty lame. But do like to say Colin Powell whenever I talk about foreign affairs because it makes me look diplomatic.
European Union external affairs chief Chris Patten, however, was not appeased. Whats the point of even talking to your allies if your mind is already made up? he asked. Its little more than feel-good lip service.
Replied Bush: Colin Powell.
German Foreign Minister Joschka Fischer, meanwhile, was one of several voices calling for restraint. We are all concerned that Saddam Hussein is developing weapons of mass destruction, but the international coalition against terror has no carte blanche for an invasion of any country, Fischer insisted.
In response, Bush said Colin Powell, and added that his staff has a solution.
Weve created a one-page form that allows us to declare war on Iraq for you, he explained. It really streamlines the consensus process for everyone.
That is not consensus! Fischer railed. That is worse!
Answered Bush: Oh, in that case, just Colin Powell.
Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.
here is a song:
OHHHH bin lattin dont you die so guick im ganna fuck your fanny with some anthrax on my dick.
* You wonder why singers Sting, Wolf Blitzer, and Bryan Adams stole wrestlers names * You only come out of your room if your theme music is playing * When your boss is pissing you off you kick him and give him a stunner * You always end a speech with, Thats the bottom line cuz John said so! or If you smellllll what John is cooking! * Your new wardrobe consists of more multi-colored bicep tassles, tights, and capes* If theres one beer left you suggest it should be suspended from the ceiling and the winner has to climb a stepladder to get it* Whenever you see someone lying on the floor you get the urge to put him in the sharpshooter
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock — its half-past three in the morning."Im not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Arent you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didnt take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?""No. Get lost, its half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasnt very nice of you.Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up fromthe baby-sitter and you had to knock on that mans door to get us started again? Whatwould have happened if hed told us to get lost?""But the guy was drunk," says the husband."It doesnt matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"And the stranger replies: "Im over here, on your swingset.