Yo mama is so fat that she walked in front of the TV and I missed an entire two-hour special episode of “The X-Files.”

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shafts all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I cant get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. Ive got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip encountered a terrible storm. The plane got pounded by rain, hail, wind, and lighting. The passengers were screaming, certain that the plane was going to crash and that they were all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumped up and exclaimed, I cant take this anymore! I cant just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here whos man enough to make me feel like a woman?

She saw a hand go up in the back of the plane, and an incredibly handsome, tall, muscular man with dark, flowing hair smiled and started to walk up to her seat.

As he approached her, he slowly took off his shirt. She could see his impressive musculature even in the faltering lighting of the plane. He stood in front of her, shirt in hand, and said, I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?

She eagerly nodded her head. Yes!

The man handed her his shirt and said, Here. Iron this.

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.

They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of duck waddling down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didnt agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.

One says, my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of us is correct?

The old man replies, Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!

____________________University

To: Professor____________________ From: __________________I think my grade in your course, ___________________, should be

changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I wont get into:

______ Law School

______Medical School ______Graduate School

______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority

______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech

______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in

_______________.

______5. Ill lose my scholarship.

______6. Im on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldnt find a copy of your exam.

______7. I didnt come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

_____10. You are prejudiced against:

______Males ______Jews ______Blacks

______Females ______Catholics ______Whites

______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities

______Chicanos ______People ______Students

_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:

______mono______broken baby finger

______acute alcoholism______pregnancy

______VD______fatherhood

_____13. You told us to be creative but you didnt tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

_____15. I dont have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

_____16. The lectures were:

______too detailed to pick out important points

______not explained in sufficient detail

______too boring

______all jokes and not enough material

______all of the above

_____17. This course was:

______too early, I was not awake.

______at lunchtime, I was hungry

______too late, I was tired

_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

_____19. Other_____

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: Quawwwwk… vus macht du… Yeah, du… outside, standing like a putzel… eh?

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldnt believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot…

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. He speaks Yiddish?

Vuh den? Chinese maybe?

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his fathers adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven (**), and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.

One morning, on Rosh Hashana, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyers shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyers shoulder as one prayer and song passed – Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, Daven! Nothing.

Daven…parrot, you can daven, so daven…come on, everybodys looking at you! Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset as hell, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me?

Dont be an idiot, the parrot replied. Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?

She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift!

Business Rules to Live By

If you cant get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Dont be irreplaceable, if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.

It doesnt matter what you do, it only matters what you say youve done and what youre going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your bosss boss off your bosss back.

Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isnt the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldnt.

If it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you dont know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong? Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole – it holds very difficult memories for me.

One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!

Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible!

Horrible? You think its horrible?

Bob cried in disbelief; It was worse than that!!!!

Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice…