Old and New Jokes

The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, Wanted FBI agents. After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman, We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal. The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream.

The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table. Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her.

The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face. I cant do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!

The agent than says that he just isnt FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.

They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else. I always wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was a school boy, he replies.

The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the table. Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife, FBI agent says, calmly.

The man than replies, I cant do that, although we have our problems, I cant kill her. She is the mother of my three kids…shes just too important.

The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he just isnt FBI material.

Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the next room.

Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face.

What did you do?

The man calmly replies, The gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat her to death with a chair!

Included subliminal Impeach Janet Reno messages in start-up screen.
New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in .gov, a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly.
Source code no longer ones and zeros – try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, Heres to my sweet Satan.
Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T.
New desktop icon – click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund.
Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products.
Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me.
TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings.
Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98 that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse!
Last-minute name change: was Windows 98, now Windows: Assimilate.

The
boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted
with a childs whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to
talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your
Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small
voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered,
"No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the
boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes",
came the answer. "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child
would be left home alone the boss decided he would
just leave a message with the person who should be
there watching over the child. "Is there any
one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees
home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, hes busy," whispered the child. "Busy
doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to
Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered
answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what
sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on
the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering
voice. "What is going on there?" asked the
boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The
search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed,
concerned, and more than just a little frustrated
the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with
a muffled giggle: "Me!"

While in Israel I found a great buy on a computer. It is a kosher computer called a DELLSHALOM.

It was selling at such a good price that…well……… mine arrived today. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

The cursor moves from right to left.

It comes with two hard drives, one for Fleyshik business software and one for Milchik games.

Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, my PC now gets Ferklempt.

The Chanukah screen savers include Flying Dreidels.

The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

The Start button has been replaced with a Lets go! Im not getting any younger! button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to Remove the cable from the PCs tuchus.

The multimedia player has been renamed to Nu, so play my music already!

Internet Explorer has a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner.

I hear Hava Nagila during startup.

When running scandisk, it prompts with a You want I should fix this? message.

When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud Oy Gevalt!

There is a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the schmutz und dreck on your monitor.

After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes Schluffen.


Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.

The Y2K problem has been replaced by Year 5760-5761 issues.

If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears You should be ashamed of yourself!

When Spellcheck finds and error it prompts Is this the best you can do?

From rec.arts.sf.written, in a thread entitled What is AOL?

> An organization set up to give Internetters someone to make ethnic jokes
> about.
>
>–
> Arthur D. Hlavaty hlavaty@panix.com

A man walks into a New York bank, and says hes going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce.

The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage. Two weeks later to the day, the man returns to the bank, repays the $5000 and interest of $15.41.

The loan officer says inquiringly, Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow $5000?

Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41?

Whats the difference between an English Sheepherder and Mick Jagger?

Mick Jagger sings Hey, Hey, you, you , get off of my cloud.

An English sheepherder says: Hey, Hey MacCloud! Get off of my ewe!

After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference

and announced that they had a very successful conference and had

agreed on about 60% of what they discussed.

When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: The Ten

commandments.

1: How come youre so succesful with picking up women?

2: Ill tell you why. I go into a bar, order a drink, and casually put my car-keys with the Ferrari hanger on the counter. After they see the hanger, you can get any woman you want. All women love fast cars and rich men.

Two weeks later they meet again.

2: So how is it going?

1: I used your tip, I bought a Lambo-hanger, but still I havent picked up a woman.

2: Ill tell you whats wrong. When you go to a bar and you sit down, always take your helmet of.

Moshe is driving around in a car park, but to his dismay, he cannot find a parking space. He drives around for half an hour then looks up to the heavens and says:

Excuse me? Its Moshe. G-d I really need your help. I cant find a parking space. I promise if you find me one I will go to shul every week and I will keep every Jewish law ever written!

Just then, a parking space appears in front of him. Moshe looks up to the sky again and says:

Actually, dont worry G-d, I just found one!