Old and New Jokes

NEWS FLASH – GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.

After an earthquake, two men were talking and one asked, If there was another earthquake, and you knew the world was going to end, what would you do?The other guy said, Id have sex with the first thing that moves. What would you do?The first guy replies, Id stand very still.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? Tell her a joke on Friday.

One day I recieved a letter from grandma…

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, Im glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didnt notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadnt honked, Id never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or someething. Well, Ive never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I atttended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

A friend of mine sent this to me and I would like to share it with all of you.

A Koala bear and a hooker were having sex, during the sex the Koala bear goes down on the hooker.

After they were finished the Koala bear got up and started to walk out. The hooker stopped him and said you have to pay me.

The koala bear shook his head. So, the hooker pulls out a dictionary and shows the bear the defintion of a hooker – have sex and get paid for it.

The Koala bear then asked for the dictionary and show ed her the definition of a Koala bear – eats bush and leaves.

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed
to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. Only a shilling? said the man. Only
a shilling to bury an attorney? Heres a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them.

I saw this used on another list – of course it would be inappropriate to actually use it here but enjoy it all the same.

-Mark

Dear

sir

clueless one

twit

great man on campus

madam

dweeb

twerp

comrade

Elvis

moon beam

boor

Obergruppenfuehrer

citoyen

Geek

grad student

cur

You are being gently flamed because.

you continued a boring useless stupid thread

you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to

you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads

you posted a piece riddled with profanities

you advocated Net censorship

you SCREAMED! (used all caps)

you posted some sort of crap that doesnt belong in this group

you posted the inanely stupid Make Money Fast article

you threatened others with physical harm

you made a bigoted statement(s)

you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority

you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve

you repeatedly shown lack of humor

you are apparently under compulsion to post to every threat

you are posting an anonymous attack

Thank you for the time you have taken to read this. Live n Learn.

Doesnt get the joke.

Monica Lewinsky mentioned to her college room mate, Kathleen OMalley, that she would be going home for Rosh Hashanah.


Kathleen asked Is that the holiday when you light the candles?


Monica answered No, Thats Hannukah.


Oh responds Kathleen,is it the one where you eat un-leavened bread?


No, thats Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the Shofar!


Jeez said Kathleen You Jews are really nice to your servants

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, At least, theyre finally together.

A man standing next to the priest asks, Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?

The priest says, I mean her legs.