When I first started college, the Dean came in and said Good Morning to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded Ah, youre Freshmen.

He explained. When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, its Freshmen.

When they put their newspapers down and open their books, its Sophomores.

When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, its juniors.

When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, its seniors.

When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, its graduate students.

A Polak is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, Look, I have a lot of models, but why dont you save yourself a lot of time and aggrevation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.

So the Polak takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?, the Polak asks himself. I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day, the Polak tells himself.

So, the next morning the Polak gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords.

The Polak is convinced this is a bad saw. The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer, the Polak says to himself.

The very next day the Polak brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Polaks claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, Huh, it looks fine.

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Polak responds, Whats that noise?

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! Ive got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that Im a dog. Its crazy. I dont know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "Im not allowed up on the furniture."

Little Johnny and Little Jane were in church, learning about Adam and Eve. Little Johnny poked Little Jane with a pencil, and Little Jane said, Sister, Little Johnny poked me with a pencil!

The nun scolded Little Johnny, and went on with her lesson.

A few minutes later, Little Johnny poked Little Jane with the pencil again, and again Little Jane told on him.

This continued throughout the class, and after a while the nun had simply had enough of this, and began to ignore them both. About halfway through her lesson, she asked the class if anyone knew what Eve said to Adam after she gave birth to her tenth child.

Right then, Little Johnny poked Little Jane again, and she stood up and yelled at Little Johnny, If you poke me with that thing again, Ill break it!

You have just received the Amish Virus.

Since we do not have electricity or computers, you are on the honor system.

Please delete all of your files.

Thank thee.

Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, Have a nice day!, tell them you have other plans.
During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the plegm back down
your throat.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Make a list of things you have already done.
Dance naked in front of pets.
Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if
nothing was wrong.
Thumb through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.
Drive to work in reverse.
Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.
Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the
cashier where the fitting rooms are.

I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.

He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.

My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.

I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.

Sure enough, he said that I had three times the normal length of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.

I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery — provided that I didnt play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.

Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.

Then I asked him what had become of the rest of me.

He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it…

and watched it duck hook two fairways away…

Q: What do blondes and screen doors both have in common?

A: The harder you bang them the looser they get.

Jim
decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood
illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease
that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo
much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he
also had a deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said…. I too have a problem. My penis is
the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.

She said, Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis.

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked
Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one
another…As Sandy put her hands in Jims pants she began to scream and ran out
of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

You told me you penis was the size of an infant!, she said. Yes it is…..
8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!

Q: A surd going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat?

A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday?

A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What do you call a surd with half a brain?

A: Gifted!

Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A SURD BELEIVED IN SMOKING.

A: He said Yes, Ive seen it done.