We, the willing, lead by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. He goes to pay the bartender, and the bartender says hey, for you, no charge

This is original, but the style is borrowed from Anne Degeneres,
a comedienne who currently has an HBO special out.

I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and
we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasnt really the
*greatest* sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didnt
exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her
apartment.

To be factual, we didnt actually have sex per se, but we came very close.
You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely…well, actually, I was
fondling her, she wasnt fondling me…well, really, I wasnt actually
*fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I
just sort of brushed into her.

Accidentally.
But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasnt really her that I brushed into, it was
actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although, the chair
was…on the other side of a wall you see…in another room sort of. And I
was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was very close to the wall,
very close. Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of…on
the street…leaning against the building. But wow! What a night. What a
night.

This one was in a recent Readers Digest.

Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down.
The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the
door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and
the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend
the night in the guest bedrooms. ZZZZZZZ

In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.

About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and cant believe
what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:

When we spent the night at the widows mansion, did you sneak away into her
bedroom in the middle of the night?

Why, yes I did.

And did you use my name?

Why, yes how did you know?

Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey Tim, whatre you in for?” “Im getting my tonsils out — Im a little worried,” said Tim. “Oh dont worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!”“Oh yeah? replied Tim. “Thats not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? Whatre you here for?” “Im getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldnt walk for two years!”

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

* If you wish to know The Way, dont ask for directions. Argue. Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. Youll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

* Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

* The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

* Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

* The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

* Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

* To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes

Whats the difference between light and hard???

You can go to sleep with the light on!!!

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?

A: A thought.

Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
"Nice pigs, sir!"
"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs — theyre Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Nice trade, sir!"

When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 Ss: sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing. What does she get?

The 3 Bs: burps, body odor, and beer breath.