A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run….run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya! A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his
knowledge of the game, screams R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya! The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run! All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan,sensing his embarrassment whisper, He doesnt have to run, hes got four
balls. After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!
on the subject of cajuns and lake charle
as we were discussing earlier……..
Jean Paul and Beaudry, two Louisiana natives, were the best
of friends. They had grown up together in the backwoods and did
everything together; huntin, fishin, drinkin, just everything.
One day they arrived home from a night of coon huntin and Beaudry
found his wife not at home. He waited and then called around looking
for her, but never could locate her. He called on his friend Jean Paul
and called his wifes church friends and the sheriff, but no one knew
where she was. After three days Beaudry became despondant and depressed.
that afternoon Jean Paul came by and found his compadre sitting on the
porch, his eyes red and strained from worry.
Beaudry my frien, Jean Paul placed a firm hand on his buddys
shoulder. I have good news and bad news .
Oh no. Tell me Jean Paul. I know it must be about my wife.
Im afraid so. I was out with the sheriff and his deputy this
morning and we found her car. She had gone through the guard rail
and sunk into cottonmouth bayou.
OH MY LORD! Beaudry wailed I just knew it would be like this!
My poor Yvonne! How will I make it without her! He cradled his head
in his arms and began to sob. Jean Paul did his best to comfort him,
as they sat there on the porch.Jean Paul, you mentioned some good news.
Please.. tell it to me. I need to hear something comforting in the midst
of all my sorrow.
Well, Jean Paul said,when we pulled her up out of the water
we found 16 crawdad and 4 blue crab latched onto her, so we gonna float
her out again tonight !
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, You know, I dont know what else to do. Whenever I go home after weve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!
His buddy looks at him and says, Well, youre obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, You as horny as I am? . . . and, she always acts like shes sound asleep!
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, Press bell for night watchman.
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
Well, he snarled at the blonde, what do you want?
I just want to know why you cant ring the bell for yourself?
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with
a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions
Carpet Fresh. 2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed.
Rename the area under the couch The Galapagos Islands and claim
an ecological exemption. 3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of
5 and leave it alone. 4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from
the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points
out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim,
What? And spoil the mood? 5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread
magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng
Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes
when you say this. 6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play
animals for underprivileged children. 7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home,
rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, Id love you to see
our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive. 8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her
ashes… 9. Dont bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall
with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you
say, Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident… I havent
had the heart to clean it… 10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleane
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?
The pharmacist said Just a minute, Ill go talk to my sister.
When she returned, she said, the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000. a month in living expenses.
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
I will give each of you one wish. Thats three wishes total, said
the genie.
The Canadian said, Im a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.
With a blink of the genies eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state.
Again, with a blink of the genies eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
George W. Bush, said, Im very curious, please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, Well, its about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out – its virtually impenetrable.
George W. Bush says, Fill it with water.
1. I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.
2. Its not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
4. A man complaining to a friend: I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then …pow!…it was.. all gone! What happened? asked the friend. Ahhh my wife found out!
5. Wife: Lets go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery! Martha responds excitedly, Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?! The man responds, I dont care… just so long as youre out of the house by noon!
8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?
11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, hes finished.
After WWII, two Poles returned to their destroyed village to locate the first ones wife. Going through the rubble, Victor came across a dismembered arm and called over, Hey, Stanley, wasnt this Anyas arm? I think this is the wristwatch you gave her.
I dunno, Victor, said Stanley, and they continued the search.
A little while later, Victor came across a severed leg.
Stanley, couldnt this be part of Anya? She had great legs. Stanley shrugged and they walked on.
Finally the energetic Victor came across a womans head, which he held out at arms length for his friends inspection.
Nope, said Stanley at last. Anya was a lot taller.
The Golds were never very observant. They would mark Yom Kippur by abstaining from ham–if they remembered. But one thing they always told little Billy was: Make sure you marry a nice Jewish girl. Well, Billy Gold grew up much like mom and dad, and one brought home a lovely fiance, but she was definitely not at all Jewish. Billys mother took him aside and told him: Weve always told you one thing: Marry a nice Jewish girl. Billy, expecting this, triumphantly announces: Dont worry, Mom. Patricia has agreed to convert. But nothing molifies the parents: She is a shiksa and will always be a shiksa. The parents dont want to even come to the wedding: they take a month-long cruise that starts the day before the wedding, and for a month after that, they refuse to talk to Billy. Finally, Billys mother cant resist. She comes and visits Billy, walking in in a huff with her copy of the key. To her amazement, Billy is dressed in black and is pouring over books in Hebrew or Aramaic–Billys mother cant tell. She goes into the kitchen and finds two complete sets of dishes. She cant believe her eyes. Finally she turns to Billy: What happened? Billy answers: Patricia told me I should go back to my tradition. The mother shouts: We always told you not to marry a shiksa!