Old and New Jokes

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandits head, and said, Youre under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or Ill blow your brains out.

But the bandit didnt speak English, and the Ranger didnt speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Rangers message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

What did he say? asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, He said Get lost, Gringo. You wouldnt dare shoot me!

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.

The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied that it took only a little while.

The American then asked why didnt he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his familys immediate needs.

The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senior.

The American scoffed, I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York City where you will run your expanding enterprise.

The Mexican fisherman asked, But senior, how long will this all take?

To which the American replied, 15 to 20 years.

But what then, senior?

The American laughed and said, Thats the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.

Millions, senior? Then what?

The American said, Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your grandkids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.

God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked, Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done.

Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?

Adam raises his hand and yells Me, Me, pick me!! So God obliged.

God looks at Eve and says – Well, sorry Eve…but it looks like youre stuck with the multiple orgasms.

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said Good Morning to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded Ah, youre Freshmen.

He explained. When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, its Freshmen.

When they put their newspapers down and open their books, its Sophomores.

When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, its juniors.

When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, its seniors.

When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, its graduate students.

Two blokes were painting Concorde at Heathrow airport in London and it was taking a long time. They had just reached the wings and one goes, Smell this paint, it smells like vodka!!

The other bloke says Yeah, youre right, have a swig.

So he takes a swig, and it is just about palatable. Come the end of the shift they have drunk 37 cans of paint between them and they are completely pissed. They stumble back to their homes and go straight to bed, nearly dead.

The first bloke wakes up and hes got the biggest hangover of his life. He climbs out of bed and falls flat on his face. He looks at his feet and he notices that some little wheels have grown out the soles of his feet.

What the fuck … he exclaims.

He skates into the bathroom and he could not believe what he saw in the mirror. He had a 7 inch long pointy nose instead of his own, his shoulders were pushed back and his arms were now flattish.

Oh, for fucks sake …

Suddenly, the phone goes, he answers it and it was his mate from the day before.

Thank God youve phoned … Ive got wheels on my feet, a long pointy nose, flat arms and I dont know what the fuck is going on …

The reply came, Yeah, I know … whatever you do dont fart, Im phoning from Bahrain!!

Visit my web page at http://indigo.ie/~pmccooe

A Polak is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, Look, I have a lot of models, but why dont you save yourself a lot of time and aggrevation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.

So the Polak takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?, the Polak asks himself. I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day, the Polak tells himself.

So, the next morning the Polak gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords.

The Polak is convinced this is a bad saw. The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer, the Polak says to himself.

The very next day the Polak brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Polaks claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, Huh, it looks fine.

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Polak responds, Whats that noise?

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! Ive got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that Im a dog. Its crazy. I dont know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "Im not allowed up on the furniture."

Little Johnny and Little Jane were in church, learning about Adam and Eve. Little Johnny poked Little Jane with a pencil, and Little Jane said, Sister, Little Johnny poked me with a pencil!

The nun scolded Little Johnny, and went on with her lesson.

A few minutes later, Little Johnny poked Little Jane with the pencil again, and again Little Jane told on him.

This continued throughout the class, and after a while the nun had simply had enough of this, and began to ignore them both. About halfway through her lesson, she asked the class if anyone knew what Eve said to Adam after she gave birth to her tenth child.

Right then, Little Johnny poked Little Jane again, and she stood up and yelled at Little Johnny, If you poke me with that thing again, Ill break it!

You have just received the Amish Virus.

Since we do not have electricity or computers, you are on the honor system.

Please delete all of your files.

Thank thee.