PCMCIA – People Cant Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN – It Still Does Nothing

APPLE – Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI – System Cant See It

DOS – Defunct Operating System

BASIC – Bills Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM – I Blame Microsoft

DEC – Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM – Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW – World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH – Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

LOTUS – Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious.

Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. Throw away a hundred dollar bill – now. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. Go to McDonalds and insist on paying $

8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as its in a snowstorm and youre following an 18 wheeler. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. Slam your thumb in a car door. Dont go see a doctor. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until its time for the real thing.

Bill and Hillary were taking stroll outside the White House gates one morning and came upon a little boy trying to give away a litter of puppies. When Hillary remarked about how cute they were, the little boy said,Yes, maam, they are. Theyre democrats. Hillary thought this was so sweet that she told the boy if he still had one left by the weekend, she would be glad take one of them home. The boy agreed and Bill and Hillary walked on. So comes the weekend and Bill and Hillary are again strolling in front of the White House and notice the little boy with the puppies. Hillary walks up and greets the young man, who has two puppies left. She fawns over both of them and the boy remarks this time, Only two left maam, and theyre both republicans. Hillary quickly sneered and said, But the other day, you said they were democrats. The boy replied, Well, yes maam, but since then, theyve opened their eyes.

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, Stop! Acts 2:38!

(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.

Scripture? replied the burglar. She said she had an ax and two 38s!

The Origin of Chapstick

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

Howdy, stranger…

Howdy, Sheriff…

The cowboy then moved slowly to then back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun dont shine. He dropped the horses tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

Hold on, Mister…

Sheriff?

Did I just see what I think I just saw?

Reckon you did, Sheriff…I got me some powerful chapped lips…

And that cures them? Nope, but it keeps me from lickin em!

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 6 shots of Jack Daniels.

The bartender asks Whats the occasion.

The guy says Its my first blowjob.

The bartender says Well if thats the case the 7th is on us.

The guy says If that wont get the taste out nothing will.

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which theyd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, I wouldnt eat that if I were you.

Why not?

I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.

When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away.

Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because you cant ticket a guy for being stupid …

Little miss muffet… sat on her tuffet… eating her kurds and way.

Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and said: hey, whats

in the bowl bitch?!

A golden retriever.