Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!
Whats come over you?
2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.
Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pack of cards!
Ill deal with you later.
Doctor Doctor – I feel like a needle!
I see your point.
Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pair of curtains!
Pull yourself togerther man!
Doctor Doctor – I have 59 seconds to live!
Wait a minute will ya!
A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if hes okay. "No, Im not," the guy replies. "I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend." "Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?" "Nothing. Im not speaking to that bitch anymore." "Well, what did you say to your best friend?" "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.
I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now I dont think thats too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?
I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
John, you know I cant marry you. You are an accountant. I prefer a man who builds things, who makes things, like an engineer who…makes half-a-million dollars a year…
Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.
Lifes a bitch, and then you marry one.
Life sucks…and then you marry someone who doesnt!
Look the bride in the eye and ask, If Im the best man, how come youre marrying HIM???
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love is a thousand miles long, but comes in six inch installments.
Love is a word composed of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.
Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.
Love may conquer everything, but it needs Time as its Field General.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Make love, not war, or do both: get married.
Man and wife make one fool.
Many a wife thinks her husband is the worlds greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
Marital Logic: 1) Marriage is an institution. 2) Marriage is love. 3) Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
May you grow so rich your widows second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
May you live as long as long as you want to, and may you want to as long as you live!
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.
May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.
Often times, minorities are mistreated by the majority, which leads to civil rights abuses, discrimination, and bad jokes.
This is unfair, so minorities have developed a method of defending themselves from the majority … it goes like this:
Were picked on because were different from everyone else.
You shouldnt pick on us because deep down, were the same as everybody else.
But were going to lobby for special treatment to ensure that were different from everyone else…
And when we get it, we can tell everyone else how we are finally accepted as being equal to everyone else.
Unless everyone else complains about being picked on because theyre different from everyone else…
In which case well lobby against them, because they shouldnt be treated different from everybody else, when theyre really the same as everybody else.
And if someone tries to point out that thats what we did, well tell them to go someplace else.
ENGLISH PHRASE———————-CHINESE TRANSLATION
Are you harboring a fugitive?——–Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.———————-Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man—————————Dum Gai
Small Horse————————–Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!!————-No Bai Dam Thing!!
Did you go to the beach?————-Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table———Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift———-Chin Tu Fat
Its very dark in here—————Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed?——–Hao Long Wei Ting?
An unauthorized execution————Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet———Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone—————No Pah King
You are not very bright—————Yu So Dum
I got this for free——————-Ai No Pei
I am not guilty———————–Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer———–Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled next week—Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived———————Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight———————Lei Lo
Hes cleaning his automobile———-Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive———–Hu Man Go!
Pew! does this bathroom stink!——–Hu Flung Dung?
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, Im going to Las Vegas.
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free.
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, And just where do you think you are going?
Im going too! he replied.
Why? she asked.
I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!
6:00 p.m. and it has started to snow. The first of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down all over the area. It was beautiful.
We awoke to a big blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub was covered by a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and sidewalks. Later, a snow plow came through and covered our sidewalk with compacted snow from the street, so I shoveled it again.
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, Im sure we will get some more before the winter is through.
It snowed inches last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero. Shoveled the driveway and sidewalks again and the snow plow came by and did its trick again.
Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer so I can drive in the snow. Bought my wife snow tires for her car.
Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. All that was hurt was my feelings.
Still cold (below zero in the AM) and the icy roads make for very tough driving.
Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. The God Damn snow plow came by twice.
We are assured of a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the shit fell today and with this freezing fucking weather, it wont melt til August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, jumpsuit, heavy jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) and then I got the urge to piss.
I was going to go ice fishing today, but the fucking worms froze and I didnt want the fish to break their teeth on my fucking bait.
If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that fucking plow, Ill drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street at 100 miles an hour throwing the shit all over what used to be my lawn.
Merry Christmas! They predict 20 more fucking inches of the white bullshit. I wonder if they know just how many fucking shovels full of snow 20 inches is? Assholes! Fuck Santa, he doesnt have to bust his balls shoveling shit. The snow plow driver came by and asked for a donation. I rapped him upside his fucking head with the snow shovel!
Guess who the fuck got 28 plus more inches last night? I must be going snow blind or getting cabin fever, because the wife is starting to look real good to me!
Cock sucking toilet froze. If you go outside, dont eat the brown snow.
I set fire to the fucking house. Now, I want to see the white shit cling to the roof!!!
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
Whats the defintion of confusion?
20 blind lesbians at a fish market.
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Smith looked out the window. Good lord! he screamed, one of the engines just caught fire! Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine caught fire on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldnt maintain order.
Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.
There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached one of the packages to their backs. Say, an alert passenger spoke up, arent those parachutes? The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?
There isnt, replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. Were going to get help.