Old and New Jokes

Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren’t funny — unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide…

1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2) Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

3) Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’ Q: Did he kill you?

4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6) Were you alone or by yourself.

7) How long have you been a French Canadian?

8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

A: That’s me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

A: I’ll be three months on November

8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time?

13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14) So you were gone until you returned?

15) Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?

A: None. Q: Were there girls?

16) You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?

A: Not yet.

19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?

A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that so?

A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

These hills are getting steeper as the years go by, one complained.

These fairways seem to be getting longer too, said one of the others.

The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too, said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said…

Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful were still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!

You might be a redneck if your wife repeatedly has to tell you to take your transmission off the table!

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, Honey, this guy hasnt seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.

Dear, the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, Im so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!

Larry, a local football star, was jogging down the street when he saw a building on fire. A lady was standing on a third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

Hey lady! yelled Larry. Throw me the cat!

No! she cried. Its too far!

I play football, I can catch him!

The smoke was pouring from the windows, and finally the woman waved to Larry, kissed her cat goodbye, and tossed it down to the street.

Larry kept his eye on the cat as it came plunging down toward him. The feline bounced off an awning and Larry ran into the street to catch it. He jumped six feet into the air and made a spectacular, one- handed catch. The crowd that had gathered to watch the fire broke into cheers. Larry did a little dance, lifted the cat above his head, wiggled his knees back and forth, then spiked the cat into the pavement.

In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8×10 cell.

At work, I spend most of my time in a 6×8 cubicle.

In prison they get three meals a day.

At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.

In prision they can work out, read books, and play vollyball in the yard much of
the day, for free, then relax in their cell.

At work, I dont have any time on my break to go to the library or gym.

In prison they get time off for good behavior.

At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.

In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the
clothes.

At work there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.

In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.

At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors
myself.

In prison a guard would lock and unlock all the doors for me.

In prison they can watch TV and play games.

At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me
time to do it.

At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.

In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my
actions.

At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.

In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.

At work Im just ball and chained.

In prison they have full medical coverage with no deductibles.

At work, I get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

At work I get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes
from my salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison they get their own toilet.

At work I have to share.

In prison they spend most of their lifes looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out.

At work I spend most of your time wanting to get out and… hey, where did those
bars on the widows come from?

In prison there are sadistic wardens.

At work, we have managers.

In prison they allow their family and friends to visit.

At work I cant even speak to my family and friends.

The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbors fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police? A: Her headlights werent working, so she was flashing people.

Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?

A) It doesnt matter, he wont come!

Q: How do you stop an Aussie from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Rev. Dr. Phil Herring,
Australia.