During the Popes recent visit to the US, there was a woman interviewed on the news who is associated with a group that is fighting to have the curch allow women to become priests.
At one point she said: There are church officials who tell us that women cannot become priests because there were no women at the Last Supper. I would have to respond: Who do you think cooked the food? Who served? And who cleaned up afterward?
A: She has a check book.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A pigs orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A whales penis is called a dork.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has
about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the
twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise
what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise
it will digest itself.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon
features with both parents that are present and dont die throughout the movie.
Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
To escape the grip of a crocodiles jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs
– it will let you go instantly.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and
purple.
The word samba means to rub navels together.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II
killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog
throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then
the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomachs contents and then
swallows the stomach back down again.
Every time you lick a stamp, youre consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
It was this little girls first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.
She replied, Happy Butt.
The teacher said, Honey I dont think thats your name. You need to go to the principals office and get this straightened out.
So she went to the principals office and he asked, Whats your name?
And the little girl said, Happy Butt.
The principal called the girls mother to get this straightened out once and for all.
After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.
The girl then exclaimed, Glad Ass, Happy Butt, whats the difference?
A beautiful woman boarded a jet and took a seat in the first class section. The flight attendant checked her ticket and said Youre in the wrong section. This ticket is for coach. Youll have to move.
The woman replied, Im blond, Im beautiful and Im going to Miami.
The attendant called for the captain who checked her ticket and also told her she had to move and again she replied, Im blond, Im beautiful and Im going to Miami.
After some thought, the captain whispered into her ear and the woman got up and moved back to coach.
Captain, what did you say to get her to move? asked the flight attendant.
Captain replied, I told her that the first class section doesnt land in Miami.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him shell see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, Who was that??!!
Oh replies the husband, that was my mistress. Thats it, says the wife, I want a divorce.
Ok, replies her husband, but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours.
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. Who is that woman with Jim? she asks.
Thats his mistress, replies her husband. Ours is much better looking. says the wife.
The salesman got home late in the evening. For not waking his wife up, he takes his clothes off without turning on the light.
Just as he is about to get into bed, his wife asks him: Will you, please, go to the drug store and get me some aspirin? I have such a headache, I cant sleep. And, please, dont turn on the light, itll get worse.
So, in the dark, he dresses and goes to the drug store in the neighbourhood. There, he meets one of his friends who says: Hi, I didnt know you were a postman.
What driving to the store would be like if operating systems ran your car.
MS-DOS
You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
Windows
You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached
to the back of the car is a freight train.
Windows NT
You get in the car and write a letter that says go to the store. Then
you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.
Macintosh System 7
You get in the car to go to the store. The car drives you to church
instead, because the store has mysteriously exploded.
Apple
As you set out for the store, a hurricane comes up. The streets flood
and the windshield wipers quit. You wash up in front of a store on a desert
island in the South Pacific.
UNIX
You get in the car and type GREP STORE. You screech off at 200 miles per
hour and arrive at the barber shop.
Taligent/Pink
You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you how
wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.
Amiga
You get in the car and tell it to go to the store. It takes you to a
shopping mall on the Moon.
VAX
You get in the car and find that the controls are all labeled in
Egyptian hieroglyphics. You press several buttons at random and suddenly
find yourself parked in front of a store, next to an Apple.
OS/2
After fueling up with 6,000 gallons of fuel, you get in the car and
drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing you and half the town.
S/36 SSP (mainframe, obviously)
You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of
gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.
AS/400
An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store,
where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they ooohed and aaahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
Its free, Peter replied, this is Heaven.
Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, What are the green fees?
Peters reply, This is heaven, you play for free.
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
How much to eat? asked the old man.
Dont you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free! Peter replied.
Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods? the old man asked timidly.
Thats the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.
The old man looked at his wife and said, You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists wouldnt breed.