Un sacerdote estaba dando el sermón en la misa, cuando ve que en la primera fila un tipo se está quedando dormido. El padre se pone colérico y sube el tono de voz para despertarlo, pero como éste no se despierta, le dice al niño que estaba al lado:

Despiértame a ese señor.

¿Y yo por qué, si usted fue el que lo durmió?

Todos estaban mirando el album familiar. Pepito, el más chico de la familia, mira la foto de un hombre muy apuesto, delgado, de bigotes y pelo negro, entonces pregunta:

Mamá, ¿quien es este hombre?

Ese es tu papá.

El muchacho mira de reojo a su padre, se le acerca a su mamá y le dice al oído:

Y el pelón gordo y feo que vive con nosotros ¿quien es?

Un amigo le dice a otro:

Oye, vaya moretón que tienes en la mejilla. Además lo tienes muy hinchado, no?

Bueno, sí, es por el viagra. Como ahora hace un mes que lo estoy tomando…

¿Cómo que por el viagra? Pero el viagra actúa sobre el pene, que yo sepa.

Ya, pero ahora cuando llego a casa, mi mujer me da un pellizco en la mejilla y me dice: ¡Pero que contenta me tienes!

As he walked through the pearly gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and table clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, St. Peter, whats the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?



St. Peter replied, The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move.



Click. The minute hand on Sams clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute. Sam must be into closing a customer right now, said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.



The man continues to look around. Whose clock is this? asked the man.



That clock belongs to the widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet her clock hasnt moved in a year or two.



The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said, Ive seen everyones clock but President Clintons. Where is his clock?



Saint Peter smiled, Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan.

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Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But dont worry we have three engines left.

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But dont worry we have two engines left.

An hour later the capain announced One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But dont worry we have one engine left.

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said If we lose one more engine, well be up here all day

Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“Ive never been with a woman,” he says. “But if its anything like screwing a kangaroo Im gonna need all the room I can get!”

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until
all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the lemon to a patron. Anyone who
could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the money. Many people tried
but nobody was able to do it.

One day a scrawny, little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit. He said in a squeaky voice, Id like to try the bet. After the laughter
died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed it. Then he handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man who clenched it in his small
fist.

Soon the crowds laughter turned to total silence as six drops of juice fell
into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked
the little man, What do you do for a living?

The little man replied with a winning smile, I work for the IRS!

A blonde was driving to the airport and she saw a sign that said Airport left so she turned around and went home.