A family recently moved to New Jersey. The first night as the mother was putting her son, 2 1/2, to bed, she said, Lets say our prayers to Jesus.

The little boy asked, Did he move with us too?

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system makers technical support line for assistance:

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: Theres smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.

Tech: Sounds like you need a new power supply.

Cust: No, I dont! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.

Cust: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technicians efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…

Tech: Im sorry. We dont normally tell our customers this, but theres an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

Cust: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…

Cust: It didnt work. The power supply is still smoking!

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Cust: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: Well, thats your problem. That version of DOS doesnt include NOSMOKE. Youll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out.

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…

Cust: I need a new power supply.

Tech: Really? How did you come to that conclusion?

Cust: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you had said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.

Tech: What did he tell you?

Cust: He said my power supply isnt compatible with NOSMOKE.

Thanx to Gerry Gieger via http://www.allworld.net/allworld/jokes/

Two men are sent before a judge on drug related charges. Rather than sending them to jail, the judge decides that it would be better to sentence them to community service. The judge tells the men that they are to go out into the community and spread the word as to the dangers of drugs. In 30 days they are to come back before him, and report to the court how many people they have reformed.

Thirty days go by and the men are back in the courtroom. The judge asks the first man how many people hes freed from the dangers of drugs?

I converted 133 the man answered.

When the judge asked how hed accomplished this, the man replied, Simple, I drew them this picture and told them:

O – This is your brain

o – This is your brain on drugs

The second man said, Well, I converted 275 people

Amazed the judge asked how hed accomplished such a feat.

The man said, Simple, I drew them this picture and told them:

o – This is your asshole

O – This is your asshole after prison.

Gorbachevs handicap is that he too long tried to placate both the
democratic reformists and the party hardliners.

Bushs handicap is an 8.

I was watching a documentary on Aleut life yesterday.

The father of the family was telling his clan that the Aleuts were generally very slow to accept modern technology. In fact they suspected it a great deal.

One pregnant woman complained to the doctor that a stuck phonograph record had affected her unborn child.

Nonsense, said the doctor, I dont see how it could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother.

Moishe mit Rochels car Vun day,


Chaim vas valking down da street ven who did he see


driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Moishe!!

Moishe pulled up to him vit a big vide smile.

So……Moishe, vere did you get dat big fancy car?


Chaim asked.


Rochel gave it to me


She gave it to you? Rochel gave you a car? I knew she

vaz sveet on you, but dis?


Vell, let me tell you vot happened. Ve vos driving out

on county road 6, in da middle of novere.


Rochel pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got

out of da car, trew off all of her clothes and said


Moishe take vatever you vant.

…Sooooo, I took da car.

Moishe, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit


ya.

A hare-lipped man walks into a Department Store carrying a help wanted sign. He states, Id like to apply for the job, plead!

The store owner replies, Do you have any experience selling Tooth Brushes?

Nope! says the hare-lip.

Well OK, says the owner, Im in a hurry so Ill give you a shot. Ill be back at closing. And he leaves.

At closing the store owner comes back and asks the hare-lipped fellow, How many tooth brushes did you sell?

The hare-lip replies: I thold one tooth bruth

Just ONE? exclaims the owner, That will never do. Lets see how well you do tomorrow, Ill be back at closing

The next day at closing time the owner shows up at the store and asks the hare-lip how many tooth brushes he sold that day. The hare-lip replies, I thold one Tooth Bruth.

The owner is very upset at this news and says, One tooth brush will never do, Im afraid Ill have to let you go.

To which the hare-lip replies Oh No, plead dont let me go. Give me one more chanth, I gno I can do beddur.

So the owner gives him one more day and leaves.

The next day the owner returns to his store only to find thousands of empty tooth brush crates laying all over. He turns to the man and says, My Lord! How many Tooth Brushes did you sell today?

The hare-lip replies, I sold three thouthand three hundred and thirty three Tooth Bruthes!

My, how on earth did you do that? replies the store owner.

Well you thee, replies the hare-lip, I went out into the mall and thet up thith table, and on one thide I put thom chipth, and on the other thide I put thome dipth. Then I put a big thine behind the table that read: Free Chipth & Dipth. Then the people they came and first they picked up a chipth then they dipth it in the dipth and then they ate it.

Is that all? replied the owner.

Well no, said the hare-lip, after they ate it they would reply, Hey thith stuff tathed like shit! and then I would thay, It ith, … wanna buy a Tooth Bruth?!?!?!?

Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door.

The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air.

So? How was it going last night? Cmon, tell me! Hows your wife? Uhh, fine I guess, shes lying on the bed smoking. Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore…

One day, a man rubbed a lamp.

Not surprisingly, a genie popped out of the lamp and said, You have three
wishes. I will grant whatever you wish for, but remember, your boss gets twice
as much as you wish for, so be careful what you wish for.

The man said, Thats easy! I want a million dollars.

A big pile of cash appeared in front of him. Now, your boss has two million.

The man said, Never mind! I am happy as long as I have my million. Now, I want
a Mercedes.

A red Mercedes appeared in front of him and the genie said, Now, your boss has
two of these.

The man was happier than ever. He thought about his last wish, and said, You
know, I have always wanted to donate a kidney!

This is from my favorite cartoon from New Yorker cartoon album (l950-1955).

Two Africans in traditional costume, with hunting spears in hand, are standing beside a path in the brush as a white missionary (in clerical collar and all) passes.

One African answers the other: I dunno; they all look alike to me!