Old and New Jokes

Instructions for the guys:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert Card

3. Enter PIN

4. Take cash, card and receipt

5. Drive away

Instructions for the Gals:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Back up and pull forward to get closer

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because youre too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it

9. Enter PIN

10. Study instructions

11. Hit CANCEL

12. Re-enter correct PIN

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. Stop

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Drive 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

You let the pit bull finish.

A man is crawling around on the sidewalk on his hands and knees, holding one ear to the ground. Another man comes along and asks what hes doing.

Get down here and listen, the first one says, so the second one gets down and puts his ear to the cement.

I dont hear anything, he says.

I know it, says the first man, and its been like that all day.

Your mom is so fat, that I knew her all my life, and I still havent seen all of her!

I just got Shatner to autograph my tush!
I think youre right, the hot chicks hang out at the X-Files convention.
OK, a Vulcan, a Betazoid and a Klingon walk into a bar …
But Ma — you said I could have my own phaser when I turned 40!
Oh darn, James Doohan is stuck in the door again.
OK, men, set your phasers on zit-removal, and lets go get us some chicks.
Not to boast, but I played the unnamed, red-shirted security guy in the
landing party killed in episodes 4, 7, 15 and 29.
No, really, Fibercon IS better than Metamucil.
Wow! Two girls! Thats twice as many as we had at the 20th-anniversary
convention!
Live long and purchase.

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, thats why I dont go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and Ill go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: Im a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, whats your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.

The following came through a long sequence of forwardings, but managed to
retain an attribution:
Kathy Dysert
kdysert@pacific.net

Heres something that came to my husband with some other information.

AND HERE IS SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:

Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he
averages about 30 minutes a game.

Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, hell be making $178,100 a day
(working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see Independence Day, itll cost him $7.00, but hell make
$18,550 while hes there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, hell make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Seinfeld.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 days.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

Hell probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student
5200 packages of Ramen.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such
accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, youd be
living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

Hell make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run,

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, hell pull in about $5600.

Next year, hell make more than twice as much as all of our past
presidents for all of their terms combined.

And something to cheer you up after all of this… Jordan will only have
to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to
that of Bill Gates.

A married guy was out getting a little strange stuff when he suffered a
massive heart attack and died…

The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying Your
late husband died with a tremendous erection that we cant get to go away…
What would you like us to do?

To which she replied, Somehow, that doesnt surprise me… Cut it off and
stuff it in his ass.

When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on
her deceased husbands face as he lay in the casket… Bending over him she
said softly, Hurts, doesnt it?

A dipper and a gora are sitting beside each other on a plane. It was a long flight to India so the gora said:Lets play a game. The dipper said sure. The gora said lets play I spy. The dipper said sure. The gora started. He said I spy with my little eye something black. The dipper said suitcase? He was right. Then he said I spy with my little eye something that starts with the letter B. The gora looked hard for about ten minutes. Then finally he gave up .He said what was it. The dipper said look stupid gora bindow!

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

Wheres Henry? one of his campmates asked.

Henry had a stroke of some kind. Hes a couple of miles back up the trail.

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!

A tough call, nodded the hunter, but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!