Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

What do you call lice on a bald mans head? Homeless.

A woman walks into a doctors office and when she sees the person wearing white she says: Oh, Doc I have this terrible stomach ache for a few days, whats wrong with me?

He asks her to undress, lie on the bed and spread her legs. After a short examination he says: Oh my God, Ive never seen such a thing. Can you wait until I get someone else to see you?

He returns in a few minutes with another guy wearing white that performs the same examination and reacts: Youre right, but Ive never seen such a thing as well.

The woman that was very tense: Doctors, can you please tell me whats wrong with me?

They: We dont know, were only the painters. The doctors are out for lunch.

Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death.

Amazingly, the thinking man has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, in a pickle. Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand.

Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative:

99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently.

Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile U S soil are devoted to growing pickles. Americans per capita annual consumption is nearly four pounds.

Alternative: Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as one does with eating pickles.

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run….run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya! A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his
knowledge of the game, screams R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya! The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run! All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan,sensing his embarrassment whisper, He doesnt have to run, hes got four
balls. After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!

on the subject of cajuns and lake charle
as we were discussing earlier……..

Jean Paul and Beaudry, two Louisiana natives, were the best
of friends. They had grown up together in the backwoods and did
everything together; huntin, fishin, drinkin, just everything.
One day they arrived home from a night of coon huntin and Beaudry
found his wife not at home. He waited and then called around looking
for her, but never could locate her. He called on his friend Jean Paul
and called his wifes church friends and the sheriff, but no one knew
where she was. After three days Beaudry became despondant and depressed.
that afternoon Jean Paul came by and found his compadre sitting on the
porch, his eyes red and strained from worry.

Beaudry my frien, Jean Paul placed a firm hand on his buddys
shoulder. I have good news and bad news .

Oh no. Tell me Jean Paul. I know it must be about my wife.

Im afraid so. I was out with the sheriff and his deputy this
morning and we found her car. She had gone through the guard rail
and sunk into cottonmouth bayou.

OH MY LORD! Beaudry wailed I just knew it would be like this!
My poor Yvonne! How will I make it without her! He cradled his head
in his arms and began to sob. Jean Paul did his best to comfort him,
as they sat there on the porch.Jean Paul, you mentioned some good news.
Please.. tell it to me. I need to hear something comforting in the midst
of all my sorrow.

Well, Jean Paul said,when we pulled her up out of the water
we found 16 crawdad and 4 blue crab latched onto her, so we gonna float
her out again tonight !

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, You know, I dont know what else to do. Whenever I go home after weve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says, Well, youre obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, You as horny as I am? . . . and, she always acts like shes sound asleep!

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, Press bell for night watchman.

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

Well, he snarled at the blonde, what do you want?

I just want to know why you cant ring the bell for yourself?

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with
a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions
Carpet Fresh. 2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed.
Rename the area under the couch The Galapagos Islands and claim
an ecological exemption. 3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of
5 and leave it alone. 4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from
the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points
out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim,
What? And spoil the mood? 5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread
magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng
Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes
when you say this. 6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play
animals for underprivileged children. 7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home,
rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, Id love you to see
our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive. 8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her
ashes… 9. Dont bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall
with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you
say, Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident… I havent
had the heart to clean it… 10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleane

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?

The pharmacist said Just a minute, Ill go talk to my sister.

When she returned, she said, the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000. a month in living expenses.