Van der Merwe is invited to have lunch with the Queen. While sitting at her table he says to her:

Jis you know Queen you have got such a nice house, and you know Queen your clothes are so nice and you know Queen your food is bakgat!

The Queen gets pissed off with this Queen bit and says to Van. Mr Van der Merwe, you should not be calling me Queen this and Queen that the correct title is Your highness.

Van says, ..jis that is unbelievable, my brothers name is also Johannes and he is also a queen!

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

Listen, said the CEO, this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?

Certainly, said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

Excellent, excellent! said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. I just need one copy.

Ski season is here!! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

Go to McDonalds and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as its in a snowstorm and youre following an 18 wheeler.

Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

Slam your thumb in a car door. Dont go see a doctor.

Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until its time for the real thing!

On their way to church to get married, a couple is killed when a truck driver goes to sleep at the wheel and his rig crashes head on into their VW bug. St. Peter welcomes them at the pearly gates and invites them in.

The woman isnt so sure. Actually, we were on our way to get married, she explains, and unless we have your word we can get married here,too, were not interested. St. Peter is a bit taken aback, but sends an angel off to make inquiries.

A year, a decade, a century go by, and still teh couple sits at the gate waiting for an answer. Meanwhile, they have been thinking, and decide that they need to know if divorces are possible in heaven too. After all, the marriage might not work.

Finally, the angel returns with the good news–yes–they can get married in heaven. The man rather sheepishly says Weve been talking,… and…. um,…. well, thanks for all the trouble….but what if we dont get along… could we get a divorce here as well?

WHAT THE #@**^?!+????!!!!! shouts St. Peter in exasperation It took a hundred years to locate a priest here, and now *** you *** want *** us *** TO LOOK FOR A *&$#@! LAWYER?!??!!

Saddam Hussein had a dream and called President George W. Bush to tell him about it. I had a dream about the United States. I could see the whole country and over every building and home was a banner, said Hussein.

What was on the banner? asked Mr. Bush.

LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN! answered the Iraqi president.

I am so glad that you called, said President Bush, because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Baghdad and it was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner.

What did the banner say? asked Saddam.

I dont know, answered President Bush, I cant read Hebrew.

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One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, IM DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!

Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of
office politics and back stabbing. Id like to get away from all
that.

Jesse James: I can list among my experience and
skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization,
intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security
measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette: My management style has been
criticized, but Id like to think of my self as a people person.

Joseph Guillotine: I can give your company a head
start on the competition.

Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile
takeover.

Lucretia Borgia: My greatest accomplishment? After
I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of
sight one by one.
Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like
discovering new things.

Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On
my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations
of several countries.

MacBeth: Would I go after my bosss job? Do I look
like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion.

Lady Godiva: What do mean this isnt business casual?

Elvis: My last boss and I…say, are you going to
eat those fries.

Nawaz Sherrif comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee. After dinner, Vajpayee says to Nawaz Sherrif: Well Nawaz, I dont know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant. How do you know? asks Nawaz Sherrif
Oh well, its simple, says Atal. They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second.
He calls Advani over and says to him
Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your
sister? Ah, thats simple, says Advani, it is me!
Well done Advani, says Vajpayee and Nawaz Sherrif is very impressed.

He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in his favourite
member of cabinet and asks: Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?
He thinks and thinks and doesnt know the answer.
Can I think about it a bit further Nawaz ? May I let you know tomorrow?
Of course, says Nawaz Sherrif , youve got 24 hours.
He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but
no-one knows the answer.
Twenty hours later, the member of Nawazs cabinet is very worried still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually he
says: Ill ask Benazer, shes clever, shell know the answer.
He calls Benazer.
Benazir, he says, tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not
your sister?
Very simple, says Benazir, its me!
Of course says the Cabinet member and rings Nawaz Sherrif.
Nawaz, says he, Ive got the answer: its Benazer Bhutto.
No, you idiot, says Nawaz Sherrif, its Advani.

Two old men are comparing their sex lives:

Man 1: I can still do it twice!

Man 2: Which time do you enjoy the most?

Man 1: I think the winter.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!