Old and New Jokes

A kid walks into a lunchroom at school and sees a fly on the table. He swats it and leaves. Abother kid walks in, sees the dead fly and says, “Hey, cool, wings.” So he pulls off the wings and leaves. Another kid comes in, sees the fly, and says, “Hey look! Legs!” So he pulls off the legs and leaves. A third kid comes in and he also sees the dead fly. He leans over to look at it and pulls of its head. Then the first kid comes back, sees it and says, “Hey, look, a raisin,” and he eats it.

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country: 1) My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. 2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33. 4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. 5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. 6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()s were crossed out.] 12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. 13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his fathers fault. 15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I dont know what size she wears. 16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. 17) Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. 18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. 19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasnt the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. 22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

You know youre a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor, Im sorry I cant leave more money in the plate, but my father didnt give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother wont be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need Gods help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I dont think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

Knock Knock Whos there? Ida Ida who? Ida know.

Some lessons learned in life:

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings.

There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.

No matter what happens… somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think shes pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Pauly and Maury are out drinking one night when Maury turns to his pal and says, You know, I dont know what else to do. Whenever I go home after weve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to my street. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house; I sneak up the stairs; I get undressed in the dark, but my wife wakes up and I catch hell for staying out so late!

Pauly looks at him and says, Well, youre obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, You as horny as I am? … and she always acts like shes sound asleep!

How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced?

A Buccaneer!

Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs

God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself? Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I dont think I need this center boob.

God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel? Eve: I feel great!

(Looking at her hand…)

Woman: Excuse me God? God: Yes Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?

***POOF*** Man was created.

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.One lady says, You know, Im getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldnt remember whether I had justcome up or was about to go down.

The second lady says, You think thats bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldnt remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly. Well, my memorys just as good as itsalways been, knock wood. She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, Whos there?