Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?

A: Theyre doing research on black holes.

Replace sand traps with bear traps
When somebodys about to putt, announcer screams, Lets get ready to rumble!
Everyone has to play on their knees, like that hysterical Dorf character
Give the Harlem Globetrotters a set of clubs and let em do their stuff
Have a minister, a priest, and a rabbi play — that always turns out hilarious
Every foursome must contain at least one member of Earth Wind and Fire
Roaming the course: real, live, bloodthirsty pirates
Introduce a genetically engineered super-golfer named Fuzzy Tiger
Find a way to make golf shoes look even fruitier
New rule: miss a putt, swallow a tee

Do you like these? Then visit: http://www.webslingerz.net/

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on
the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the
apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady
and she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and its quite obvious that she has nothing
on underneath. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, Lets go
in my apartment, I hear someone coming…

He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans
against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she
purrs at him, What would you say is my best feature?

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and
finally squeaks out, Oh, its got to be your ears!

Shes astounded, Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, dont sag,
and theyre 100 percent natural. My buns – they are firm and do not sag, and
have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars. Why in heavens
name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers, Outside when you said you heard
someone coming? That was me.

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two

pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.

I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet – I say, you no

understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss

on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I dont even know lady, she calla me

somma ma b*tch.

Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy ana

tell me fa cough! – I dont even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!

Later I got to eat soma lunch at Rickys Place, the waitress she

bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock – She

tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I

wanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna

ma b*tch – I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.

So, I go back to my hotel room, an theres no sheet on my bed. I

calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to

toilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say

you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I dont even know man

ana he call me sonna ma b*tch!

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say

peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! – I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!

Dashing Through The Mall

(sung to Dashing Through The Snow)

Dashing through the mall …
On a late December day,
Through the $tores we go
Charging all the way…

Ching … Ching … Ching …

Bell$ on register$ ring
Making checkbook$ light,
Oh, what fun it is to buy up
Everything in $ight!

Ching … Ching … Ching …

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The kids all yell and scream
To us it sounds like anarchy
But to them its harmony-HEY!

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The children tipped the tree
Antique ornaments smashed to bits
The kids each say not me

Dad goes to work each day
Engineering things for flight
But his real job is at home
Refereeing little fights

Mom drives the kids around
In an ancient Caravan
Karate, swimming, childrens choir
Espresso in her hand-HEY!

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Our wish to you is that you have
A … Happy … Holi-dayyyyyyyyy.

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like theyre actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of need is irrelevant, so dont bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Dont question the racks of clothes in the closet; you just dont understand.

4. Women need to cry. And they wont do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. Thats why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women dont need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when theres a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women cant keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they dont view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women cant refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what shes doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldnt need toys if women had an on/off switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

16. Women dont understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.

17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, hell pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip shell pack 21 outfits because she doesnt know what shell feel like wearing each day.

18. Women brush their hair *before* bed.

19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and youll have a pretty good idea about how shell be in bed.

20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

21. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, Its there in the Bible. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

22. Women do *not* know anything about cars. Oil-stick, oil doesnt stick?

23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

24. The average number of items in a typical womans bathroom is

437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick cats.

26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

29. Women dont try as hard as men during sex; after all, they dont fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, How do I look?

31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

32. The first naked man women see is Ken.

33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.

34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

35. Oh, nothing, has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

36. Lewis Carrolls Caterpillar had nothing on women.

37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

38. All women are overweight by definition; dont agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but dont bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, What did you do?

40. Only women understand the reason for guest towels and the good china.

41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

42. Only women understand the reason for guest towels and the good china.

43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they left the seat up instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

46. Women dont really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You dont see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

48. Its okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You dont see straight men dancing together.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then theyll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You dont hear men say, Oh-my-GOD, theres another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!

Never leave him alone with a bag of pretzels.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning

for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his

back and gets up for work.


Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, One of these days,

youre gonna fart your guts out!


One Thanksgiving morning, Marthas preparing the turkey and

gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs

and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling

to herself.


Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his

morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the

bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that

Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.


She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when

Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, You were right. You

were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God

and these two fingers I got them back up there again.

Avram Kaplowitz goes to his favorite kosher restaurant on the Lower East side to have a _bissel_ tongue in raisin sauce. He is surprised to see, instead of another elderly Jew waiting on him, a Chinaman.

Avram is not pleased. While he speaks five languages – Yiddish, Hebrew, Polish, Russian and English – his English is weak and he knows almost no Chinese. Imagine his happy surprise when the Chinese waiter asks him for his order in fluent Yiddish!

Avram chats with the waiter, gives his order and eventually finishes his meal.

While paying his bill, he says to the cashier: You know, I never heard of a Chinaman speaking Yiddish before.

Shah! says the cashier. He thinks hes learning English.

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher.

Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why werent you at school yesterday?

Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.

Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasnt too badly hurt I hope?

Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they dont fuck around at those crematoriums.