Old and New Jokes

Saddam Hussein had a dream and called President George W. Bush to tell him about it. I had a dream about the United States. I could see the whole country and over every building and home was a banner, said Hussein.

What was on the banner? asked Mr. Bush.

LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN! answered the Iraqi president.

I am so glad that you called, said President Bush, because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Baghdad and it was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner.

What did the banner say? asked Saddam.

I dont know, answered President Bush, I cant read Hebrew.

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On their way to church to get married, a couple is killed when a truck driver goes to sleep at the wheel and his rig crashes head on into their VW bug. St. Peter welcomes them at the pearly gates and invites them in.

The woman isnt so sure. Actually, we were on our way to get married, she explains, and unless we have your word we can get married here,too, were not interested. St. Peter is a bit taken aback, but sends an angel off to make inquiries.

A year, a decade, a century go by, and still teh couple sits at the gate waiting for an answer. Meanwhile, they have been thinking, and decide that they need to know if divorces are possible in heaven too. After all, the marriage might not work.

Finally, the angel returns with the good news–yes–they can get married in heaven. The man rather sheepishly says Weve been talking,… and…. um,…. well, thanks for all the trouble….but what if we dont get along… could we get a divorce here as well?

WHAT THE #@**^?!+????!!!!! shouts St. Peter in exasperation It took a hundred years to locate a priest here, and now *** you *** want *** us *** TO LOOK FOR A *&$#@! LAWYER?!??!!

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, IM DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!

Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of
office politics and back stabbing. Id like to get away from all
that.

Jesse James: I can list among my experience and
skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization,
intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security
measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette: My management style has been
criticized, but Id like to think of my self as a people person.

Joseph Guillotine: I can give your company a head
start on the competition.

Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile
takeover.

Lucretia Borgia: My greatest accomplishment? After
I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of
sight one by one.
Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like
discovering new things.

Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On
my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations
of several countries.

MacBeth: Would I go after my bosss job? Do I look
like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion.

Lady Godiva: What do mean this isnt business casual?

Elvis: My last boss and I…say, are you going to
eat those fries.

Nawaz Sherrif comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee. After dinner, Vajpayee says to Nawaz Sherrif: Well Nawaz, I dont know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant. How do you know? asks Nawaz Sherrif
Oh well, its simple, says Atal. They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second.
He calls Advani over and says to him
Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your
sister? Ah, thats simple, says Advani, it is me!
Well done Advani, says Vajpayee and Nawaz Sherrif is very impressed.

He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in his favourite
member of cabinet and asks: Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?
He thinks and thinks and doesnt know the answer.
Can I think about it a bit further Nawaz ? May I let you know tomorrow?
Of course, says Nawaz Sherrif , youve got 24 hours.
He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but
no-one knows the answer.
Twenty hours later, the member of Nawazs cabinet is very worried still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually he
says: Ill ask Benazer, shes clever, shell know the answer.
He calls Benazer.
Benazir, he says, tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not
your sister?
Very simple, says Benazir, its me!
Of course says the Cabinet member and rings Nawaz Sherrif.
Nawaz, says he, Ive got the answer: its Benazer Bhutto.
No, you idiot, says Nawaz Sherrif, its Advani.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!

Two old men are comparing their sex lives:

Man 1: I can still do it twice!

Man 2: Which time do you enjoy the most?

Man 1: I think the winter.

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?

A: Theyre doing research on black holes.

Replace sand traps with bear traps
When somebodys about to putt, announcer screams, Lets get ready to rumble!
Everyone has to play on their knees, like that hysterical Dorf character
Give the Harlem Globetrotters a set of clubs and let em do their stuff
Have a minister, a priest, and a rabbi play — that always turns out hilarious
Every foursome must contain at least one member of Earth Wind and Fire
Roaming the course: real, live, bloodthirsty pirates
Introduce a genetically engineered super-golfer named Fuzzy Tiger
Find a way to make golf shoes look even fruitier
New rule: miss a putt, swallow a tee

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Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on
the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the
apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady
and she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and its quite obvious that she has nothing
on underneath. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, Lets go
in my apartment, I hear someone coming…

He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans
against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she
purrs at him, What would you say is my best feature?

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and
finally squeaks out, Oh, its got to be your ears!

Shes astounded, Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, dont sag,
and theyre 100 percent natural. My buns – they are firm and do not sag, and
have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars. Why in heavens
name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers, Outside when you said you heard
someone coming? That was me.