A man came walking up to his grandparents house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.Grandpa, what are you doing? he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist? he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandmas idea.

I love my master;

Thus I perfume myself with

This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up

In the sunshine, happier than

You ever will be.

Today I sniffed

Many dog butts – I celebrate

By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!

Paperboy – come to kill us all –

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!

Garbage man – come to kill us all –

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and

Whiz on each bush . Hello, Spot –

Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?

The ways are numberless as

My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!

I am so ecstatic I have

Made a puddle.

I Hate my choke chain.

Look, world, they strangle me! Ack

Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin

On your foot – no greater bliss – well,

Maybe catching rats.

Look in my eyes and

Deny it. No human could

Love you as much I do.

The cat is not all

Bad – she fills the litter box

With Tootsie Rolls.

Dig under fence – why?

Because its there. Because its

There. Because its there.

I am your best friend,

Now, always, and especially

When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,

But they are far more – I call

Them a vocation.

My owners mood is

Romantic – I lie near their

Feet. I fart a big one.

Joke found on http://www.huumor.com

Q: Why do rednecks dogs have flat noses?

A: From chasing parked cars…

This penguin goes to get his car fixed, and the mechanic tells him itll take about an hour. So the penguin goes to get some ice cream, and since the penguin has no hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak. Then the penguin goes back to the mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it looks like hes blown a seal. The penguin says, No, I promise its just ice cream.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girls grandmother.

On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?

Of course not, dear. replied the mother, Why would you think that?

The tombstone back there said,

Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.

One day a blind man came into a restaruant. A waiter came to him and asked Would you like a menu, sir?.

The man said No thanks but if you bring me a dirty fork Ill tell you what I want.

So the waiter brings him a dirty fork and the blind man sniffs it. Then he said bring me the meatloaf and mashed potatos. So the waiter brings him meatloaf and mashed potatos.

The next day the same blind guy comes in. The waiter doesnt recognize him and asks if he would like a menu. The blind man says, No but if you bring me a dirty fork Ill tell you what I want.

So the waiter brings him a dirty fork. The man sniffs it and says Id like the lasagna with extra cheese please. So the waiter brings him the lasagna.

The next day the blind man comes in and the waiter recognizes him. The waiter says Let me guess you want a dirty fork, right?and the blind man says Yes I would..

The waiter gets a clean fork and rubs it on a waitresses privates. The waiter brings it to the blind man and he sniffs it.

Then the blind man says, Hey!! I didnt know Mary worked here!!

A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest, said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest, said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

I would like to marry a man with one draggin on the ground!, said the youngest daughter.

FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN

40-ish……………… 48 Adventurer………….. Has had more partners than you ever will Athletic……………. Flat-chested Average looking……… Ugly Beautiful…………… Pathological liar Contagious Smile…….. Bring your penicillin Educated……………. College dropout Emotionally Secure…… Medicated Feminist……………. Fat; ball buster Free spirit…………. Substance user Friendship first…….. Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun………………… Annoying Gentle……………… Comatose Good Listener……….. Borderline Autistic New-Age…………….. All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned……….. Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded…………. Desperate Outgoing……………. Loud Passionate………….. Loud Poet……………….. Depressive Schzophrenic Professional………… Real Witch Redhead…………….. Shops the Clairol section Reubenesque…………. Grossly Fat Romantic……………. Looks better by candle light Voluptuous………….. Very Fat Weight proportional to height………………Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate………. One step away from stalking Widow………………. Nagged first husband to death Young at heart………. Toothless crone ——————————————————————-

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish……………… 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic……………. Sits on the couch and watches ESPN Average looking……… Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated……………. Will always treat you like an idiot Free Spirit…………. Sleeps with your sister Friendship first…….. As long as friendship involves nudity Fun………………… Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking………… Arrogant Honest……………… Pathological Liar Huggable……………. Overweight, more body hair than a bear Like to cuddle………. Insecure, overly dependent Mature……………… Until you get to know him Open-minded…………. Wants to sleep with your sister but shes not interested Physically fit………. I spend a lot of time in front ofmirror admiring myself Poet……………….. Has written on a bathroom stall Spiritual…………… Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday Stable……………… Occasional stalker, but never arrested Thoughtful………….. Says Please when demanding a beer

Well there you have it, truth in advertising!

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said That was fast.

Well I need to take a shit but Ive got nothing to wipe my ass with.

The other answers, Thats easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.

O.K. he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says That was a terrible idea.

Not only did I get shit all over me, Ive got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, Youve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.

The cats says, Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors. God says, Say no more. And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, All our lives weve had to run. Weve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldnt have to run anymore. God says, Say no more. And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

How are you doing? Are you happy here?

The cat yawns and stretches and says, Oh, Ive never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels youve been sending over are the best

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