Old and New Jokes

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. Hes allowed to say only two words every 7 years.

After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words.

Cold floors, he says. They nod and send him away.

7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. He clears his throat and says, Bad food. They nod and send him away.

7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. I quit, he says.

Thats not surprising, the elders say… Youve done nothing but complain since youve been here!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. Hed toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughters date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!

The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boys arm behind his back and yelled, Doctor, my ass! Hes going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX . (poor woman)Things Ive learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding):1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.3. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesnt stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, its already too late.8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.12. Super glue is forever.13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still cant walk on water.14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

РVoy a ir a M̩xico.

– !No lo hagas! ¿Sabes qué calor hace allí?. Es tal que en la sombra, estás a cuarenta y cinco grados.

– ¿Y me crees tan tonto que me voy a ir a poner en la sombra?.

A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises Chooo-Chooo… Whoooo-Whooooo…

What are you doing? enquires the doctor. Im taking a train down to Barcelona, replies the man.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

And what are you doing? asks the doctor, a little perplexed. Well, pants the man, While hes in Barcelona, Im fucking his wife!

• Alp – One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: What Zermatter?
• Avalanche – One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
• Bindings – Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
• Bones – There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: There are two bones of the middle ear that have never been broken in a skiing accident.
• Cross-Country Skiing – Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. Its good exercise. It doesnt require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isnt skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.
• Cross-Country Something-or-Other – Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.
• Exercises – A few simple warm-ups to make sure youre prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
• Gloves – Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.
• Gravity – One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
• Inertia – Tendency of a skiers body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newtons First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, dont expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.
• Prejump – Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.
• Shin – The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.
• Ski! – A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is Avalanche! – which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
• Skier – One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
• Stance – Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, Why?
• Thor – The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
• Traverse – To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

• Tree – The other method.

Oh, blessed are the flexible, for they shall not get bent out of shape.

Thanks for the mail from those who enjoyed previous postings of anecdotes.
For the interested (and the record) these are mainly taken from THE LITTLE
BROWN BOOK OF ANECDOTES, edited by Clifton Fadiman.

In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees
and discouraged unnecessary litigation. A man came to him in a passion,
asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor.
Lincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge.
When he say that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for
and got $10 as his legal fee. He gave half of this to the defendant,
who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50,
thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate
plaintiff.

In Paris for the funeral of French president Georges Pompidou in
1974, Nixon remarked, This is a great day for France.

Shortly after John F. Kennedy blocked the hike in steel prices
in 1961, he was visited by a businessman who expressed wariness about
the national economy. Things look great, said JFK. Why, if I wasnt
president, Id be buying stocks myself.

If you werent president, said the businessman, so would I.

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000/game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.

Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year,hell be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hrs a night, he makes $52,000 every night.

If he goes to a movie, hell pay $7.00, but hell make $18,550.

Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, youd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

Next year, hell make more than 2X as much as past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isnt it?

…

BUT:

JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

Harveys friends all call him the better-luck-next-time inventor. In case youre wondering why, heres a partial list of his inventions:

Preparation G (a soothing rectal ointment).
The Salvation Navy (charitable organization designed to help the needy).
6-Up (a clear, bubbly, soft-drink).
Wolksvagen (a small car Harvey has dubbed the WV).
Whitejack (card game where you try to reach 22 points before going bust).
The Star Bangled Spanner (a song intended to become our National Anthem).
Nice Krispies (breakfast cereal that goes snip, crickle, pip when milk is added.)
Dogsup (tasty condiment for hamburgers, hot-dogs, etc.)
Five-shooter (a five shot revolver).

3 Biggest Software Lies:

The programs fully tested and bugfree.
Were working on the documentation.
Of course we can modify it.

3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:

As long as you remember to SAVE your input, youll never lose any
files.
We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
The new machines on order.

3 Biggest Large Company Lies:

We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
People are our greatest resource.
We say let the marketplace decide.

3 Biggest Small Company Lies:

We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
The boss is just one of the guys.
Staying small is a conscious decision.

3 Biggest Marketing Lies:

Immediate delivery?…No problem.
We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
Were going out to lunch to talk business.

3 Biggest Engineering Professors Lies:

Some day this course will come in handy.
These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
This is the way they do it in industry.

3 Biggest Executive Lies:

Money…its just a score card.
If it were up to me, thered be no assigned parking spaces.
You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.

3 Biggest Hardware Lies:

We always design for testablilty.
It worked fine on the proto board.
That would be much easier to implement in software.