Old and New Jokes

Ten most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some matching replies.

At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/friends …

Q: Hey, what are you doing here?

A: Well, its so hot, there were no cool cabs so I thought Id watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet …

Q: Sorry, did that hurt?

A: No, not at all, Im on local anesthesia … Why dont you try again or should I try this time?

At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask …

Q: Why, why him, of all people?

A: Why? Would it rather have been you?

At a restaurant:When you ask the waiter …

Q: Is the blah blah blah dish good?

A: No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit into it …

At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after years …

Q: Munna, Chickoo, youve become so big …

A: Well you havent particularly shrunk yourself.

When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask …

Q: Is the guy youre marrying good?

A: No, hes a miserable wife-beating, insensitive clout … its just the money.

When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call …

Q: Sorry. were you sleeping.

A: No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?

When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair …

Q: Hey have you had a haircut?

A: No, its autumn and Im shedding …

At the dentist when hes sticking pointed objects in your mouth …

Q: Tell me if it hurts?

A: And while Im telling you, you tell me if I bite.

You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks …

Q: Oh, so you smoke!

A: No, its a miracle … it was a chalk and now its in flames!!!

One night, a father passed by his sons room and heard his son praying: God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.

The father didnt quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his sons door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctors early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, Thank God youre here — we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric companys complaint department to ask for help.

The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much., said the nun.

Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade., said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, I think the term they actually use is fucking shovel!.

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, Its not a ship. The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, Its not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he thinks, Its not a raft.

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, How long has it been since youve had a cigarette? Ten years!, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, Man, oh man! Is that good! Then she asked, How long has it been since youve had a drink of whiskey? He replies, Ten years! She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, Wow, thats fantastic ! Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, And how long has it been since youve had some REAL fun?

And the man replies, My God ! Dont tell me that youve got golf clubs in there!

Whats the difference between a toad and a horny toad? One goes "Ribbit" and the other goes "Rubbit."

What do you call a fratboy in a suit?

The defendant.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, You know sometimes I just forget to eat. Now Ive forgotten my address, my mothers maiden name, and my keys. But Ive never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesnt really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isnt all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, Body, howd you like to go to the six oclock class in vigorous toning? Clear as a bell my body said, listen witch… do it and die!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victorias Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to
the mail box.

She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the
house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to
the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked
her, Is something wrong?

To which she replied, There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps giving me a message saying, YOUVE GOT MAIL!

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriends father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughters chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best ot make my daughters suitors feel even worse.

My motto: wilt them in the living room and theyll stay wilted all night.

So, Ill call out jovially. I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because youre STUPID, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk youd better be delivering a package, because youre sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please dont take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: Im sure youve been told that in todays world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early.

Rule six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why dont you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wodden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight, Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka zipped up to her adams apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. Id be embarrassed too–there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that Id have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldnt remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate–ink washes off–and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughters would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the frond door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run throught the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. Dont you remember being that age? she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Some people have died in strange ways…here are a few.

——————————————————————————–

Attila the Hun:



One of the most notorious villains in history, Attilas army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD–from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire–by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.



How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night



In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

——————————————————————————–



Tycho Brahe:



An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.



How he died: Didnt get to the bathroom in time



In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition — but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11

days.



——————————————————————————–



Horace Wells:



Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s



How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide



While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he

wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that hed gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. Hed anaesthetized himself with chloroform

and slashed open his thigh with a razor.



——————————————————————————–



Francis Bacon:



One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeares plays.



How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken



One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

——————————————————————————–



Jerome Irving Rodale:



Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of Organic Farming and Gardening magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.



How he died: On the Dick Cavett Show, while discussing the benefits of organic foods.



Rodale, who bragged Im going to live to be 100 unless Im run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver, was only 72 when he appeared on the Dick Cavett Show in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.



——————————————————————————–



Aeschylus:



A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.



How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head



According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.



——————————————————————————–



Jim Fixx:



Author of the best selling Complete Book of Running, which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.



How he died: A heart attack….while jogging



Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. Hed only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked….and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.



——————————————————————————–



And finally theres Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers, who wrote music for the king of France.



While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.