This comes from Herve Negres Dictionnaire des histoires droles, Livre de Poche.

This guy and this gal had just finished making love. He whispered in her ear, Tell me, am I the first?

Of course you are, my darling, she answered, but why do all you men have the same question?

Why did the fish Blush?

Because it saw the oceans bottom.

[Ed: This is a variant of a joke that went before. Thats something I
do not usually do. In this case, the punchline is sufficiently different.]

My girlfriend told me this one:

Pres. Bush, (NY) Gov. Cuomo, and (NJ) Gov. Florio are flying on
a plane together. When they passed over New York, Cuomo wrote his
name on two one dollar bills and threw them from the plane. Florio
very curious about this action asked him why he had done it. Cuomo
responded that he had just won two votes.

Florio, not wishing to be outdone, wrote his name on two one hundred
dollar bills and threw them from the plane once they reached New Jersey.
This caught the attention of President Bush, who inquired about this
action. Florio explained about just winning two votes.

A few minutes later, Pres. Bush shoved both Cuomo and Florio from
the plane. The pilot was shocked and asked the President why in the
world he just killed two Governors. The President responded,
Simple, I just won two states.

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. What would you say if I told you that Ive been sleeping with your best friend? she asked provocatively. Well, he mused, Id have to say that youre a lesbian!

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, If you dont stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon. Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, Uh-oh … I know what YOUVE been doing.

Sick of writing C/Pascal/Ada? This is probably enough to make COBOL
programming very attractive:

An ad in Tuesdays Australian, back page, right-hand column:
(copied without permission)

BANKING EXPR NOT NECESSARY
(4)COBOL PROGS…….To 434K++
Low Interest Loans
19 Day Month

With this sort of income, banking experience would soon be obtained.

Brad Broom
brad@uqcspe.oz

PS: Anyone got a good COBOL textbook theyd like to part with?

You might be a redneck if…
Your babys favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
Theyll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
The lights are on but nobodys home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
Size does matter

The programmer to his son: Here, I brought you a new basketball.

Thank you, Pa, but where is the users guide and manuals?

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox?