Old and New Jokes

A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the
Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about
the way of life there.

REPORTER: Hello there, excuse me, Im from the BBC and Im gathering
material for a documentary about the way of life in the
remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an
interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you??

SCOTSMAN: Certainly…

REPORTER: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?

SCOTSMAN: Well now theres a story. Yknow I deliver the mail round
here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they dont.

You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built
more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald
the Croftbuilder? No, they dont.

And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made
several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No,
they dont.

But, I tell you, a moments weakness with just ONE sheep ….

Q: What do you call a Highlander with 4 sheep?

A: A pimp

Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?

A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde Jokes.

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a traders store and told him, Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.

The trader got the gear together and on top of each ones supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys said Whats that board for?

The trader said, Well, where youre going there are no women and you might need this.

They said No way! Weve sworn off women for life!

The trader said, Well. take the boards with you, and if you dont use them Ill refund your money next year.

Okay, they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the traders store and said: Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.

The trader said Werent you in here last year with a partner?

Yeah said the guy.

Where is he? asked the trader.

I shot him said the guy.

Why?

I caught him in bed with my board.

God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis. The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things.

The penis was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of them at a time.

Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid Eve would like the snakes fruit better than his.

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied, Joes mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died. Well, replied the man, she must have had a lot of friends. Nope, said the farmer, we all just want to buy his mule.

Two Poles, Markowski and Krachevski go to France on a pleasure trip. They meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good pals. Jean Paul finds these two Poles some-what amusing and so he goes all out to make them happy. He treats them at pubs, bars, discotheques.

This goes on for a while until one fine day Jean Paul does not turn up. The Poles assume that some important work would have held him up and do not take a serious note of it. But, perhaps something was serious as Jean Paul does not turn up for next five days.

At this the Poles get alarmed and go to the police station to lodge a report. The inspector asks them to give details of the person whos missing. The following conversation follows:

Markowski: Well, his name is Jean Paul.

Inspector: Its a very common name in France. Something more please.

Krachevski: Well, he is very tall.

Inspector: Most of the people in France are tall. Big deal.

Markowski: Well, hes got blue eyes.

Inspector: Oh! no. Something more substantial.

Krachevski: I got it. This is slightly uncommon. Im sure now you

shall be able to track him. You see, Hes got two holes in his ass.

Inspector: (shocked): Well, well, thats curious. Are you sure?

Krachevski: Ya! Ya!

Inspector: Are you definitely sure that this very personal info you

have is CORRECT?

Krachevski: Most certainly.

Inspector (still skeptical): But howre you so sure?

Krachevski: Simple. Whenever we used to go with him to the bar, everyone used to greet him as Here comes Jean Paul with the two ass-holes!

Q: How do you confuse a Polak (polish guy)?

A: Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner.

Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.. 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Cad: A man who doesnt tell his wife that hes sterile until shes pregnant.

Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.

Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.

Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesnt do it.

Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles shed never have had if she didnt marry him. 4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wifes permission to say so.

Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.

Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-laws peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.

Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Spinster: A bachelors wife.

Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldnt have had if youd stayed single in the first place.

Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.

Wedding Ring: The worlds smallest handcuffs.

Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.

Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.

Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.

A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer… and a mop.

– You wonder why singers Sting and Bryan Adams stole wrestlersnames.- You only come out of your room if your theme music is playing.- You go to court dressed like Goldust.- When your boss is pissing you off you kick him and give him a stunner.- You always end a speech with, Thats the bottom line cuz John said so! or If you smellllll what John is cooking!- You wonder why DXs theme music never made the Top 100.- You continue to shove a sock down the throat of your brother-in-law.- If theres one beer left you suggest it should be suspended from the ceiling and the winner has to climb a stepladder to get it.- You give everyone high fives when you walk down a hall.- Whenever you see someone lying on the floor you get the urge to put him in the sharpshooter.- You are not from the U.S but you live there and keep insulting every American you see.- You offer someone money to burn the flag.- You think that Diesel and Kevin Nash look alike.