Teach a man to build a fire, he stays warm for a night. Set a man on fire, he stays warm for the rest of his life.
31
Dec
31
Dec
He asks for a thin, crispy supreme. Half an hour later, Diana Ross turns up at his door!
31
Dec
This guy woke up one morning and saw his girlfriend with coat on and her bags packed. He said What are you doing?
She said Im leaving you because I heard you were a pedofile.
And the guy responded Pedofile! Thats a pretty big word coming from a twelve year old!
31
Dec
There were two old people that are married and have been for fifty years. One day they went to a doctor because they recently had been forgeting things and they were afraid that they would leave the stove on. The doctor said, “There is no way medically, but you could always write notes to help you remember things.”
That night, as the wife was getting up, her husband asked what she was doing. She replied, “I was just going to make some ice cream.” The husband insisted that he would make it. As he was walking into the kitchen, she called out, “WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!” “Okay dear,” he replied. “And sprinkles too!” “Okay dear.”
From the kitchen came sounds of banging pots and pans and nearly twenty minutes later he came back into the room with bacon and eggs. The wife said “Wheres the toast?”
31
Dec
Anally – occuring yearly
Artery – study of paintings
Bacteria – back door of cafeteria
Barium – what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel – letter like A,E,I,O,U
Caesarian Section – district in Rome
Cat Scan – searching for kitty
Cauterize – make eye contact with her
Colic – sheep dog
Coma – a punctuation mark
Congenital – friendly
D&C – where Washington is
Diarrhea – a journal of daily events
Dilate – to live long
Enema – not a friend
Fester – quicker
Fibula – a small lie
Genital – non-Jewish
G.I. Series – soldires ball game
Grippe – suitcase
Hangnail – coathook
Impotent – distinguished, well known
Intense Pain – torture in a teepee
Labour Pain – got hurt at work
Medical Staff – doctors cane
Morbid – higher offer
Nitrate – cheaper than day rate
Node – was aware of
Outpatient – person who had fainted
Pap Smear – fatherhood test
Pelvis – cousin of Elvis
Post-operative – letter carrier
Protein – favouring young people
Rectum – damn near killed em
Recovery Room – place to do upholstery
Rheumatic – amorous
Scar – rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion – hiding anything
Seizure – Roman emperor
Senology – study of knighthood
Tablet – small table
Terminal Illness – sickness at airport
Tibia – country in North Africa
Tumour – an extra pair
Urine – opposite of youre out
Vericose – located nearby
Vein – conceited
31
Dec
One day a teen goes up to his dad and says
Dad guess What…
His dad says what..
The teen goes dad I got a 500 pound piece of ass today
His dad goes…Your Mothers
31
Dec
There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, “Im sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.” After this, the old guy started practising black magic. All the dissapeareces of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him. At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbour comes up to her and says, “Arent you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?” The old lady camly replied, “Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around.”
31
Dec
What were Michael Jacksons babys first words?
"Which ones Mommy?"
31
Dec
Ten most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some matching replies.
At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/friends …
Q: Hey, what are you doing here?
A: Well, its so hot, there were no cool cabs so I thought Id watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.
In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet …
Q: Sorry, did that hurt?
A: No, not at all, Im on local anesthesia … Why dont you try again or should I try this time?
At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask …
Q: Why, why him, of all people?
A: Why? Would it rather have been you?
At a restaurant:When you ask the waiter …
Q: Is the blah blah blah dish good?
A: No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit into it …
At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after years …
Q: Munna, Chickoo, youve become so big …
A: Well you havent particularly shrunk yourself.
When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask …
Q: Is the guy youre marrying good?
A: No, hes a miserable wife-beating, insensitive clout … its just the money.
When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call …
Q: Sorry. were you sleeping.
A: No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?
When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair …
Q: Hey have you had a haircut?
A: No, its autumn and Im shedding …
At the dentist when hes sticking pointed objects in your mouth …
Q: Tell me if it hurts?
A: And while Im telling you, you tell me if I bite.
You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks …
Q: Oh, so you smoke!
A: No, its a miracle … it was a chalk and now its in flames!!!
31
Dec
One night, a father passed by his sons room and heard his son praying: God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.
The father didnt quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his sons door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctors early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, Thank God youre here — we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!