Old and New Jokes

FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN

40-ish……………… 48 Adventurer………….. Has had more partners than you ever will Athletic……………. Flat-chested Average looking……… Ugly Beautiful…………… Pathological liar Contagious Smile…….. Bring your penicillin Educated……………. College dropout Emotionally Secure…… Medicated Feminist……………. Fat; ball buster Free spirit…………. Substance user Friendship first…….. Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun………………… Annoying Gentle……………… Comatose Good Listener……….. Borderline Autistic New-Age…………….. All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned……….. Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded…………. Desperate Outgoing……………. Loud Passionate………….. Loud Poet……………….. Depressive Schzophrenic Professional………… Real Witch Redhead…………….. Shops the Clairol section Reubenesque…………. Grossly Fat Romantic……………. Looks better by candle light Voluptuous………….. Very Fat Weight proportional to height………………Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate………. One step away from stalking Widow………………. Nagged first husband to death Young at heart………. Toothless crone ——————————————————————-

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish……………… 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic……………. Sits on the couch and watches ESPN Average looking……… Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated……………. Will always treat you like an idiot Free Spirit…………. Sleeps with your sister Friendship first…….. As long as friendship involves nudity Fun………………… Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking………… Arrogant Honest……………… Pathological Liar Huggable……………. Overweight, more body hair than a bear Like to cuddle………. Insecure, overly dependent Mature……………… Until you get to know him Open-minded…………. Wants to sleep with your sister but shes not interested Physically fit………. I spend a lot of time in front ofmirror admiring myself Poet……………….. Has written on a bathroom stall Spiritual…………… Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday Stable……………… Occasional stalker, but never arrested Thoughtful………….. Says Please when demanding a beer

Well there you have it, truth in advertising!

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said That was fast.

Well I need to take a shit but Ive got nothing to wipe my ass with.

The other answers, Thats easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.

O.K. he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says That was a terrible idea.

Not only did I get shit all over me, Ive got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, Youve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.

The cats says, Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors. God says, Say no more. And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, All our lives weve had to run. Weve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldnt have to run anymore. God says, Say no more. And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

How are you doing? Are you happy here?

The cat yawns and stretches and says, Oh, Ive never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels youve been sending over are the best

Send

You think a Hora is a high priced call girl.
You light your Shabbat candles with your cigarette.
Your belt buckle is bigger than your yarmulke.
Instead of a noisemaker, youve fired a shotgun at the sound of
Hamans name.
You have a gun rack in your Sukkah.
You think KKK is a symbol for really kosher.
You think marrying your first cousin is required according to
Jewish law.
You dont ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks.
When someone shouts Lchaim you respond Lhowdy.
You are saving a bottle of Mogen David wine for some special
occasion.

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. -I know,- he says, they say you cant take it with you. But who knows? Suppose theyre mistaken. Id like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that its useful, Ill have something. They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we havent be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friends money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-

At this the priest says, -I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says -I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-

Q: How many male chauvinists Pigs does it take to open a can of beer?

A: None – that beer better be open by the time I get home!

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!

4. Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: Ive got new socks on!

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say mmmm…tasty!

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say Ding! at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see whats in muh mouf?

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say I think its getting larger.

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!

A drunk stopped a passer-by and asked the time.

The passer-by looked at his watch and told him.

I cant work it out, muttered the inebriate. All day long I get different answers.

Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing.
"Im thirsty," said the first. "Im gonna go get myself a Coke." So he got out of the boat, walked across the water, and came back with his Coke.
"Ooh, that looks good," said the second and got out of the boat. He walked across the water, got his Coke, and came back.
"Youre right," said the third. "I think Ill get one too." He steps out of the boat and sinks like a rock.
"Hey," said the first clergyman to the second, "should we tell him where the rocks are?"

Three guys were at the Pearly Gates when Peter answered. He said there was one space open for someone. He asked them how they died."I came home one day and saw my wife in bed, naked. I looked all over the house and decided to check the balcony. I saw some fingers so I took a hammer and hit his fingers but a bush broke his fall so I took my fridge and threw it on him. But I felt so bad for killing a man that I killed myself.""I was painting on the 37th floor, when I slipped and fell. I was holding on to a balcony, when some guy hit me on the fingers with a hammer so I fell, and then dropped a fridge on me.""I was hiding innnocently in the fridge."