A blondes house is on fire. She calls 911 and says, My house is on

fire. The dispatcher says, Well, can you tell me how we get there?

Duhhhh, in the big red trucks, of course.

I got this joke from a gentle soul from South Africa:

A couple of old ladies are sitting on the patio in a retirement home. Both are bored.

Mabel: Nothing happens here, all the men are half-dead and no fun!

Doris: I agree. Lets do something that will jerk them into action!

So Mabel agrees to streak down the corridor and attract the attention of the old men that are sitting there sunning themselves.

She does this and the following conversation insues between Harold and Humphrey…

Harold: Humphrey, old boy, was that Mabel that I saw running past…

Humphrey: Hmm, I think so. Couldnt say for sure.

Harold: My eyes arent too good these days. What was she wearing?

Humphrey: Hmm, couldnt say for sure, but whatever it was it was in need of ironing!

A salesman rings the bell at a suburban home. The door is opened
by a nine year old boy puffing on a long fat cigar.Astonished, the salesman asks the young man, Is your mother or
father at home?The young boy takes the cigar out of his mouth, flicks ashes on the carpet, and asks, What do you think?

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The

father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in

the water. He comes running up to his mom and says, Mommy, I saw

ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!

The mom says the bigger they are, the dumber they are. So he goes

back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,

Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddys!

Mom says, the bigger they are, the dumber they are. So he goes

back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,

Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and

the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.????? A. A cherry float.

Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But Im not allowed up on the couch!

Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and Ill fake it.

After making love, the woman said the man, So, youre a doctor?

Thats right, replied the doctor smugly. Betcha dont know what kind of doctor.

Ummm…Id say that youre an anesthesiologist. Yep, thats right! Good guess! How did you know? asked the guy.

Because throughout the entire procedure, I didnt feel a thing.

What do hillbilly chicks and polar bears have in common?
They both lick their paws.

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa
Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always Well, you asked
for the presents and they came, didnt they? I finally understood the
full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual
device: A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a
manner indistinguishable from the real device. Mother was telling me
that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who
responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the
real saint.
Mother also taught the IF … THEN … ELSE structure: If its
snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just
wear your shoes.
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing:
Well wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but
well wash these socks out right now by hand because youll need them this
afternoon.
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she
laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling
where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure.
She then gave us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after
doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when
only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she
applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by
buying our socks three identical p airs at a time. This greatly
increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to
Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was the
n mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an
instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of
physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she
turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder
herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be
serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling tea
kettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the
dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top
so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldnt be physically present
everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created
mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed
processing. As any kid whos ever misbehaved at a neighbors house finds out,
all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. Thats a local area
network of distributed processors that cant be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.