Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

1. What is the meaning of life?2. What is the point of existance?3. Would you like fries with your order?

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, Ive kidnapped you.She then wrote a note saying,Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. The blonde pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk! He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?
I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers Im hauling.
Okay, truck drivers are not nerds, he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
Why did you do that?
Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You dont even need a license. The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
Well, sure, says the patrolman. But you cant bait em.

Yo mama so ugly, that if ugly were bricks shed be the Great Wall of China.

A strange thing happened to me the other day when I went to Alpha
Beta. As I was in the check-out line, I noticed a woman staring at
me. She asked me if my name was Earnest. I said, No, it isnt. She
said I looked just like her long lost son, whose name was Earnest. I
said that I was very sorry to hear that. She showed me a picture of
him and there was some resemblance. She then asked me: Do you mind if
I call you Earnest? I replied: Well yes, I do. I said to myself:
What is this woman doing? As she stepped out, I notice her waiting
for me. So when I stepped out, she mumbled something but I just
kept going. She started yelling: wait! I quickly put my groceries in
the car and as I was getting into the drivers seat, she began pulling
on my leg, just like Im pulling yours.

{cbosgd,decwrl,hplabs,seismo,ucbvax}!sun!warp!rock Bill Petro

Coors put its slogan, Turn it loose, into Spanish, where it was read as Suffer from diarrhea.

Clairol introduced the Mist Stick, a curling iron, into German only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, Salem-Feeling Free, was translated into the Japanese market as When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of whats inside, since most people cant read English.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Popes visit. Instead of I saw the Pope (el Papa), the shirts read I saw the potato (la papa).

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Pepsis Come alive with the Pepsi Generation translated into Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave, in Chinese.

Frank Perdues chicken slogan, it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken was translated into Spanish as it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, it wont leak in your pocket and embarrass you. Instead, the company thought that the word embarazar (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant

A guy walks into a bar in Argentina. He sees a familiar character, albeit much older now, sitting at the bar. He approaches, examines his face, and asks:

Excuse me, but arent you Adolf Hitler?

Vy yes, I am Adolf Hitler.

But I thought you were dead!

Ach. I get a lot of dat. But in fact, I am chust biding my time, planning a scheme to kill fifty million Jews and eight of der Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

What? the guy exclaims. Why would you want to kill eight of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders?

Hitler turns to another fellow sitting at the bar next to him. You see vat I mean? Nobody gives a damn about da Jews!!!

10. Youll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than

a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.


9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and

stuffing with an ice cream scooper.


8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.


7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to

the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat

with toilet paper.


6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car,

bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell… OK, even if it is for

only four days.


5. To eat your meals the only trek youll have to make is

from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the

dining hall…in below freezing weather.


4. Instead of listening to when I first started teaching

here… you can be entertained by when your mother was your

age… and during the Depression we werent lucky enough to

have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the

sprout!


3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than

popped in your microwave


2. Youll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

1. You wont be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

Hello, my name is Kathy. I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone to whom you send his email, $1000? How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, Ill get laid by every good looking model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit.

Basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower. Fuck them.

If youre going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. Ive seen all the send this to 10 of your closest friends and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being forwards about 90 times. I dont fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what youre actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, its your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter thats threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If its funny, send it on. Dont piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter hell receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Yeah… right!