Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.????? A. A cherry float.
28
Dec
28
Dec
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But Im not allowed up on the couch!
28
Dec
After making love, the woman said the man, So, youre a doctor?
Thats right, replied the doctor smugly. Betcha dont know what kind of doctor.
Ummm…Id say that youre an anesthesiologist. Yep, thats right! Good guess! How did you know? asked the guy.
Because throughout the entire procedure, I didnt feel a thing.
28
Dec
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a lightbulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and Ill fake it.
28
Dec
What do hillbilly chicks and polar bears have in common?
They both lick their paws.
28
Dec
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa
Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always Well, you asked
for the presents and they came, didnt they? I finally understood the
full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual
device: A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a
manner indistinguishable from the real device. Mother was telling me
that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who
responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the
real saint.
Mother also taught the IF … THEN … ELSE structure: If its
snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just
wear your shoes.
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing:
Well wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but
well wash these socks out right now by hand because youll need them this
afternoon.
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she
laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling
where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure.
She then gave us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after
doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when
only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she
applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by
buying our socks three identical p airs at a time. This greatly
increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to
Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was the
n mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an
instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of
physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she
turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder
herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be
serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling tea
kettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the
dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top
so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldnt be physically present
everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created
mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed
processing. As any kid whos ever misbehaved at a neighbors house finds out,
all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. Thats a local area
network of distributed processors that cant be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
28
Dec
Q.Why is there only one Yogi Bear?
A. Because when they tried to make another one, they made a Boo-Boo.
28
Dec
Why its better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. Weve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks were gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WERE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. Its possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We dont have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If were dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We dont have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, were aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends wont think were weird if we ask whether theres spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. Well never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
28
Dec
What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine? The pricks are on the inside.
27
Dec
A: Thanks for the refill.