Old and New Jokes

A: Thanks for the refill.

Whats Beethoven doing now that hes dead?

Hes de-composing.

A plane was once flying over an island when the passengers heard the pilots voice: “Ladies & Gentlemen, if you look on the right side of the plane, youll see an engine on fire. If you look on the left side, youll see a wing on fire. And if you look down, youll see me and my co-pilot in parachutes, waving at you. This is a recording.”

This guy comes home from work and when he walks into his bedroom, he finds his wife in bed with 3 other men that he works with.

He says hello hello hello

And the wife says what, arent you talking to me!

You might be a redneck if you believe All-Star Wrestling!

12% Monday

23% Tuesday

40% Wednesday

20% Thursday

5% Friday

You know you are addicted to your Italian roots when…

You pay the paperboy with LIRA
You answer your neighbors by grunting and saying, No speaka Engleesh!
You tell people that Raffaele, Michelangelo and Donatello of Ninja Turtle fame are your first cousins.
You start calling your wife Gina and tell her youll be happy to pay for breast enlargements.
You carry Italian road maps in your glove compartment
You can recite the name of every province in Italy in 2 minutes (and you can spell them in 4 minutes).
You get arrested at the Mall after the police dont accept your explanation that Italians are overcome by a natural urge to pinch buttocks after 22 women identity you
You leave work at 10 AM because its quitting time in Rome.
You call WPIX-TV in NYC to ask why the Yankee announcers ARE speaking English
You spray paint over the chrome Buick emblem on your automobile and write FIAT in 12 inch letters
You are arrested for fighting after punching a fellow Italian who told you that in WWII he stopped an advancing Italian tank by shooting the Italian pushing it.
You are fined for adding the word Via to 51 streets signs in your neighborhood
You write to Rome to complain about proposed state tax legislation in Iowa.
The priest asks you to find another church after you pass out 500 bumper stickers during mass which read, Italians Make Better Lovers

Attributed to Sir John A. MacDonald, Canadas first
prime minister :

Heckler : I wouldnt vote for you if you were the Angel Gabriel.

Sir John A. : My friend, youre so right; you wouldnt be in my
constituency.

I received this one from a girlfriend whose husband works at a mortuary.

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements
for her husbands funeral. She tells the director that she wants
her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, Wouldnt it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit that hes wearing?

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, Actually, it didnt cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in,
this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the
same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with
her. So… I switched the heads

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Secretary of Defense all wanted to go to Oz, to visit the Wizard of Oz. Bill looked at Al and asked him why he wanted to go. Al said that he needed a brain, and Bill agreed with him. Then, Bill asked the Secretary of Defense why he wanted to go, and he said that he needed a heart. Bill also agreed with him. Then both looked at Bill and asked him why he was going. He answered, "Im looking for Dorothy!"