An American and an Israeli are busy bragging.
The American states, Oh yeah, well it was the Americans that put the first man on the moon!
The Israeli scoffs, Big deal. Israel is working on putting the first man on the SUN!!
The American re-scoffs, Idiot! You cant put a man on the sun … hell burn up!!
The Israeli smiles winningly, Shows how much you know … were going at night!
Top 26 Childrens Books Not recommended by the National Library Assoc.
26. Bob the Germs Wonderous Journey Into and Back Out of Your
Digestive System.
25. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians.
24. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeers Games of Revenge.
23. Peter Rabbits Frisky Adventures.
22. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The Hood.
21. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
20. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
19. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
18. The Tickling Babysitter
17. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.
16. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
15. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
14. Babar Meets the Taxedermist and Becomes a Piano.
13. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
12. David Dukes World of Imagination.
11. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
10. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
9. Legends of Scab Football.
8. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
7. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
6. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Cant
Remember the Endings to All of them.
5. Ed Beckleys Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Moms
Purse.
4. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
3. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.
2. Lets Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.
A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: You have a tennis elbow.
The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom.
He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample.
After 30 seconds the printout read: Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow.
An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead
of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the
vestibule.
When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door, and took him to a pew
where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on the ten commandments.
After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand
vigorously, and told him, I want to thank you, preacher, for saving my soul
today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the ten
commandments, I decided against it.
The preacher said, You mean the commandment I shall not steal changed your
mind?
The old man replied, No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that,
I remembered where I left my old hat!
Q: why is a mans pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: so he can tell ifs hes coming or going
Precious Lord, Take My Hand … And Help Me Up
It Is Well with My Soul … But My Knees Hurt
Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
Just a Slower Walk with Thee
Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
Go Tell It on the Mountain … But Speak Up
Give Me the Old Timers Religion
Blessed Insurance
and my all time favorite …
Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah … Ive Forgotten Where I Parked
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
1. What is the meaning of life?2. What is the point of existance?3. Would you like fries with your order?
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, Ive kidnapped you.She then wrote a note saying,Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. The blonde pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, How could you do this to a fellow blonde?
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk! He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?
I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers Im hauling.
Okay, truck drivers are not nerds, he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
Why did you do that?
Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You dont even need a license. The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
Well, sure, says the patrolman. But you cant bait em.