Q: Why did the Blonde girl stand in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?

A: So she could see what she looks like asleep.

An elderly woman walked into a doctors office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years. She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire.
After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, I have just the thing. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner….
The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctors office and exclaimed, You have to change my husbands prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table; breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!
I feel awful, said the doctor. Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes.
Dont worry about it, replied the woman, We just wont eat at that restaurant any more…………..

Aries:
pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
Taurus:
will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.
Gemini:
goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
Cancer:
stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.
Leo:
plans their costume for months, then wont go out because someone else had the same idea.
Virgo:
wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells
everyone theyre a bookkeeper.
Libra:
is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.
Scorpio:
isnt in it for the candy.
Sagittarius:
will manage to wander to the next town.
Capricorn:
makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.
Aquarius:
builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.
Pisces:
skips the whole thing to compose
poetry to the Moon.

A number of years ago, a wealthy Texas rancher had a daughter who was about marrying age. But the rancher was afraid that someone would try to marry his daughter just for his money. So he decided to throw a party and invite all of the eligible men. At the party everyone was enjoying Texas longhorn steaks, Lone Star beer, etc.

After a while, the rancher gathered everyone over to his olympic-sized swimming pool. He and his daughter were on one side, all of the eligible men were on the other.

He announced to the men, I have filled my pool with alligators, crocodiles, piranha, snakes, and all sorts of man-eating vermin. The first young man to jump in and make it across my pool alive receives 1 of 3 things. He may have 10,000 acres of my finest land, 5,000 head of my finest cattle, or my daughters hand in marriage.

Immediately a young man was in the pool, arms flailing, feet kicking, and waves splashing all around. He jumped out of the pool, his shirt, jeans, and boots soaked, but he was unharmed.

Young man, that was the bravest thing I have ever seen, would you like to have 10,000 acres of my finest land?

The young man, bent over from exhaustion, replied No sir.

Then perhaps you would like 5,000 head of my finest cattle?

The young man, still bent over and out of breath, replied, Thank you but, no sir.

Young man, I would be proud to call you my son, you may have my daughters hand in marriage.

Thank you sir but, I do not want your daughters hand in marriage.

Young man, that was the bravest thing I have ever seen. What would you like and it is yours?

Sir, I want the name of the son-of-a-bitch that pushed me in the pool!

Two nuns were asked by the Mother Superior to decorate the inside of the monastery, but under no cicumstances were they to get even one drop of paint on their habits. After an hour of really slow going, one nun says This is far too slow. Why dont we take off our clothes, finish decorating, then re-dress again? No-one will know… And thats exactly what they did.


But before long there came a knock at the front door so, quite startled, the first nun calls Who is it?


Im the blind man came the reply. So the nuns relax and the first goes off and opens the door.


Wow, great body lady! Now where do you want these blinds…?

Two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.The Jewish men are dumbfounded. My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish? they both think.After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?The owner looks around and leans in so no-one else will hear and says, Shhhh. He thinks were teaching him English.

Once upon a time there was a very naughty little rabbit who liked to tie squirrels tails in knots. The squirrels were, naturally, very upset by this and appealed to the Spirit of the Woods.

She appeared before the little rabbit and said You are a very bad little rabbit and if you tie just one more squirrels tail I will change you into a goon!

The rabbit promised he would be good, for he surely did not want to be a goon but, before long, he yielded to temptation and tied another squirrels tail into a knot. The Spirit reappeared instantly and with a puff of smoke – she changed the little rabbit into a goon.

The moral of the story, of course, is … Hare today, goon tomorrow.

If you refer to the fourth grade as your senior year, you might be a redneck.

    Four surgeons were sitting around discussing whothey like to operate on.

    The first surgeon said, "I like operating onlibrarians.  When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

    The second surgeon said, "I like operatingon accountants.  When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

    The third surgeon said, "I like operating onelectricians.  When you open them up everything is color coded.

    The fourth surgeon said, "I like operatingon lawyers".

    The other three surgeons looked at each other indisbelief.  One of them asked why.

    The fourth surgeon replied, "Because theyare heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

A
husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.
That night the wife approached her husband wearing
the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their
wedding night.
She looked at her husband and said, "Honey,
do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Thats right. Do you remember what
you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He responded, "As I remember, I said, Oh baby,
Im going to suck the life out of those big boobs
and screw your brains out. "
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, thats exactly
what you said. So, now its 50 years later, and Im
in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you
have to say tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission
accomplished."