Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…You decorate your Christmas tree with beer caps.

There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed — not like he could do anything else — and he was on his way.
When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits.” Then the worker replied, “That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward.” So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can you build?” So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.
Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, “I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven.” Satan replied, “No way — hes built all sorts of useful stuff for us. Were keeping him.” God then said, “Oh, yeah? Well, Ill see you in court. Were going to sue you for this mans soul and damages. Satan just laughed: “And where are you going to find a lawyer?”

Do You Know what the tom cat said when
he got through making love to the Skunk?Its not that I had enough. Its just that
Ive had all I can stand.

A Cynics Guide to Life:

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…

Follow your dream! Unless its the one where youre at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses… and sooner or later, youll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you dont like my driving, dont call anyone. Just take another road. Thats why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When Im feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbors dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Its always darkest before dawn. So if youre going to steal the neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

ust remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbors car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers… and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. Thats the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

Its a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel…its cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when its good you dont want to get off, and when it isnt… you cant wait to throw up.

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While hes in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that youve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While hes in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa.
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While hes in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldnt have missed that last payment, and take off. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, For The Tooth Fairy. 🙂 Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, For Santa. Take everything out of your house as if its just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While hes in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santas sure to see them. Go outside, yell, Ooh! Look! A deer! And hes got a red nose! and fire a gun. Leave Santa a note, explaining that youve

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, Great…hes 11 and now Im gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun – Ill just let him ask, and Ill answer.

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, Well son, do you have any questions?

Just one Dad. gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks –

How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?

Why did the fly fall off the toilet? It got pissed off.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, MAN, That is the ugliest baby Ive EVER seen!

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

The bus driver insulted me! she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, Hey! Hes a public servant and he shouldnt say things to insult the passengers.

Youre right! she said. I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

Thats a good idea, the man said. Here, let me hold your monkey!

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar? Where is the bar tender?