Old and New Jokes

After years of nagging, the wife was finally going deer hunting with her husband. Ill drop you off here and go park the car. Dont get into trouble. says her husband.

He drove the car down the road and parked it. Walkin gback he could hear a heated argument between his wife and some man.

Its my deer. I shot it! he could hear his wife shouting.

The mans voice kept insisting … Thats not your deer, lady

The husband started walking faster. His wife said It is TOO my deer. I shot it and its mine.

No its not said the man.

The argument got louder and louder with his wife shouting about her killing her first deer.

Finally, the weary voice of the man was heard admitting defeat.

Okay, lady, its YOUR deer. Just let me get the saddle off it!

Acronym: whrthfckuben?

Previously long phrase: Goodness, its been a long time since weve chatted, hasnt it?
 
Acronym: utypliksht

Previously long phrase: Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Woods speed-typing course?
 
Acronym: ugoturhdupyrass?

Previously long phrase: Are you sure about that?
 
Acronym: sowenugtoutofjail?

Previously long phrase: So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?
 
Acronym: tkurabbrevsandshuvem

Previously long phrase: Wouldnt you rather just type the whole phrase out?

Homepage #1 –
Homepage #2

You might be a redneck if you check the mileage on your home.

Caution: contains profanity

This horny gay man was walking down the street when he spotted a wino sleeping in an alley. The gay man looked around, went up the alley, quickly fucked the wino in the ass, and left $10 in the winos pocket.

Later that day, the wino found the $10 in his pocket and promptly went to the liquor store. Gimme a bottle of your cheapest wine, he told the shopkeeper. He got his bottle, went back to the alley, and drank the bottle of wine. Needless to say, he went to sleep.

Later on, the horny gay man comes walking down the street again and sees the wino sleeping in the alley. He looked around, went up the alley, quickly fucked the wino in the ass, and left $10 in the winos pocket.

When the wino woke up, he discovered the $10 in his pocket and, not believing his good luck, went to the liquor store where he got a bottle of the cheapest wine. He then went back to the alley and drank the entire bottle. Of course, he went to sleep again.

The next time the horny gay man comes by, he has a group of other horny gay men with him. They all went up the alley to where the wino slept and took turns fucking him in the ass. They all left him $10 a piece and, as quickly as they had come (hee, hee), they left.

The wino
woke up a bit later and discovered the money in his pocket and went to the liquor store.

The shopkeeper, now used to the winos tastes in wine, asked the wino: Whatll you have? The usual?

The wino replied: No. Give me a bottle of fine champagne. I dont know whats wrong, but that cheap wine was tearing my asshole apart!

Finish your lima beans or youre not getting any heroin for dessert!

If you dont stop that this instant, Ill have Grandma perform another striptease for you.

If this plexiglass wasnt between us, Id wash your mouth out with soap, young man.

Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!

Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis aint goin to the prom with ya!

Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy wont love you anymore.

Lyle, Erik — either behave, or go to your suites!

If you dont eat your peas, Chelsea, Ill make you stay at the Gingrichs house!

Dont make me put you back in the womb!

As long as you live under this roof, youre *going* to wear that dress, young man!

You just wait til your father gets paroled!

Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin.

Young lady, dont make me send you to the Citadel!

and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families…

All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, Look mate, dont ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me! The passenger apologized and said, I didnt realize that a little tap would scare you so much. The driver replied, Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – Ive been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

He was charged with battery

A mohel was in the unsual habit of saving the foreskins from the babies he circumcised. Everyone thought this was evidence enough that the old man was deranged. When they found out that he wasnt just saving them, but sewing them into miniature change-purses, they were ready to call for the men in white coats.

The mohel insisted, though, that he was in full possession of his faculties. Im just being practical, he said. Theyre the most useful change-purses in the world. Just watch! You rub one, and it turns into a suitcase!

Socialism: You have two cows, you give one to your neighbour.
Communism: You have two cows, the government takes both and gives you the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows, the government takes both and keeps the milk.
Naziism: You have two cows, the government takes both and shoots you.
Capitalism: You have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.
Histadrut [General Federation of Labour] Rule: You have two cows, they take both, shoot one, milk the other, and spill the milk.

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says, God, its hot in here. And the other sausage says, Oh my god, its a talking sausage!