On a real estate agents car: Site-seeing bus.
On the sales lot for mobile homes: Wheel Estate.
In a public utilities office: Were Pleased to Meter You!
In a TV repair shop: Do it yourself – then call us.
In a doctors office: The doctor is very busy – please have your symptoms ready.
In front of a school: In the event of an atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in this school is temporarily suspended.
In an obstetricians office: Pay As You Grow.
At a mechanics shop: Let me brake you, muffle you, and shock you.
On a campus job board: Hotel workers wanted. Only the inn-experienced need apply.
By entrance to a maternity shop: Clothes for the wait conscious.
In a pet shop window: Hare ye! Hare ye! Have Easter bunnies. Hop to it!
On a church bulletin board: Work for the Lord. The pay isnt much, but the retirement plan is out of this world.
Doctor: Did you take the patients temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.
After looking over the menu he says, Ill just have the eggs benedict. His order comes a while later and its served on a huge fancy chrome plate.
He asks the waiter, Whats with the fancy plate?
The waiter replies, Theres no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!
She was so blonde…
A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl.
The head nurse brought them out for their father to see.
He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket. He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived.
As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, You cant touch those babies. You arent sterile!
With out missing a beat, he retorted Youre telling ME Im not sterile?!
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300ºC. The Russians used a pencil.
From rough draft of my Top Stories of 1994 Article:
The Chunnel, a $13.3 billion underwater tunnel between England and France, opens for business. Inexplicably, passengers arrive in Paris, but their luggage winds up in the luggage carousel at the new Denver International Airport.
Paula Corbin Jones accuses President Clinton of directing state troopers to lure her into an Arkansas hotel room where he lewdly dropped his trousers and said its clear you want me, cupid. Clinton admits to being in the hotel room, but claims all he said was its the economy, stupid.
Fighting sexual harassment charges, Oregon Senator Bob Packwood refuses to hand over his diaries to the Senate Ethics Committee. He partially capitulates, agreeing to surrender seventeen boxed and indexed sets of his Letters to Penthouse.
Francisco Martin Duran fires 20-30 shots at White House. Fortunately, President Clinton is upstairs watching a football game. Unfortunately, Secret Service agents are downstairs watching some of Justice Clarence Thomas porno tapes, and In The Line of Fire for the millionth time.
Scientists at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory near Chicago report finding the top quark – the sixth and last category of the smallest unit of matter. The celebration lasts until dawn when the drunken mob of pocket-protected Ph.Ds makes a panty raid at the home of Marilyn Vos Savant.
Saudi Arabian Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bin Abdulazia al-Saud rescues Euro-Disney with $439 million in new capital. The amusement park is immediately renamed Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bin Abdulazia al-Saud Land.
Pope John Paul II releases On Reserving Priestly Ordination to Men Alone. Catholic men everywhere get a taste of celibacy for a few angry weeks.
The FDA approves additional genetically enhanced vegetables: 3 tomatoes, 1 squash, 1 potato, and an improved variant of Strom Thurmond.
A federal court forces The Citadel to admit Shannon Faulkner, its first female cadet. Claiming she is only being treated equally, administrators insist she shave her head, wear a jock strap, and put up Kathy Ireland posters.
The Tennessee Health Department confirms its original 1977 Coroners Report which found that Elvis died of heart disease, not a drug overdose. In a press conference at an Iowa Burger King, Elvis announces that he feels vindicated.
A Randolph County, Alabama high school principal cancels the prom over opposition to interracial dating. He receives substantial support from many small-town Alabamans who not only date in their own race, but in their own immediate family.
Womens rights groups are irate upon learning that landmark breast cancer research was performed exclusively on male subjects. Later, activists admit that Fabio does have fairly typical breasts, though a much smaller brain.
A guy goes to the pet store and asks for a cheap pet that he can take anywhere. The store owner tells him he happened to be lucky, because he had a talking centipede he could sell him for a good price. The guy buys the centipede and names him Frank.That night, the guy decides to go to the bar and wants to take Frank with him. Frank! You wanna go to the bar? No response. Frank! You wanna go to the bar? Still, nothing. One last time he tries; Frank, Im leaving without you! Then he hears a tiny voice, Just a damn minute, Im putting my shoes on!
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance.
It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years. So, this is a call to arms.
As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that beer! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldnt deny yourself the career that you could have. Be all that you can be. Have another beer!