Old and New Jokes

A guy goes to the pet store and asks for a cheap pet that he can take anywhere. The store owner tells him he happened to be lucky, because he had a talking centipede he could sell him for a good price. The guy buys the centipede and names him Frank.That night, the guy decides to go to the bar and wants to take Frank with him. Frank! You wanna go to the bar? No response. Frank! You wanna go to the bar? Still, nothing. One last time he tries; Frank, Im leaving without you! Then he hears a tiny voice, Just a damn minute, Im putting my shoes on!

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance.

It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years. So, this is a call to arms.

As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that beer! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldnt deny yourself the career that you could have. Be all that you can be. Have another beer!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a

young engineer fresh out of MIT, What starting salary were you looking

for?

The engineer replied, In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending

on the benefits package.

The interviewer said, Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks

vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching

retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years

— say, a red Corvette?

The Engineer sat up straight and said, Wow! Are you kidding?

The interviewer replied, Well Yeah, but you started it.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell
Douglas military aircraft. In order
to protect your new investment, please
take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help
us to develop new products that best
meet your needs and desires.1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt.
_Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other

First Name ______________
Initial__________________
Last Name________________

Latitude_________________
Longitude________________

Altitude_________________
Password_________________
Code name________________

2. Which model aircraft did you
purchase?

__F-14 Tomcat __F-15 Eagle __F-16 Falcon
__F-119A Stealth __Classified

3. Date of purchase:
Month_____Day_____
Year______________

4. Serial Number______

5. Please check where this
product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Hijacked it using one of our spies
_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware
of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
_Was bombed by one7. Please check the three (3) factors
which most influenced your decision to
purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one
in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where
this product will be used:

_Latin America
_South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified

9. How would you describe yourself or
your

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

This is Chet, he said, and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs. Seeing the look of disbelief on the customers face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

He needs warming up, he said. Lend me your cigarette lighter.

The storekeeper lifted Chets left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

Thats fantastic, said the customer.

And listen to this, said the storekeeper, warming Chets other wing.

Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

Wrap him up, said the customer, Ill take him!

When he got home he greeted his wife: Honey, I cant wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic.

He unwrapped Chets cage and showed the bird to his wife. Now, watch and listen.

He raised Chets left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chets right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

Let me try it, said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:

Chets nuts roasting on an open fire!

What the world is like in TV land:

1. If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immedaitely unless you are being chased
by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a suprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a dark secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Chinese people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
26. Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PCs.
b) Computers know everything.
c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info
27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood
from the corner of their mouth.
28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 ot 40 bad guys.
30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but
never stick around to see if it works.
31. Christmas Eve and halloween night last for three or four days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.
36. All baseball games will be wom with a home run in the bottom of
the ninth and two outs.
37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys dont take drugs.
40. The world is teaming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate
to have sex with pennyless young guys.
41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in
a hurry.
42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.
44. Street vendors carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed
car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.
47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that
everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.
48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20
minutes with commercials.
51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the
victim seeing or hearing him until the he is about to drive a huge
carving knife or pitchfork into them.
52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to
check it out.
53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants
to kill.
54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance
behind them quickly, but cant use that speed to actually catch
the person theyre chasing.
55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in NY).

A black and blue belt

Mr Harpreet Singh Gulati is traveling from Moscow to Turban Pore [Capital of Khalistan] by “Kithe” Pacific.Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time.

Gulati :Oye Gar(r)y. You think I dont know who U are?. I cant compete with a world champion

Gary : How about if I play left handed ?

Gulati : [Think.. Think..] OK!

Gulati is demolished in 4 moves… and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Manpreet Singh.

Gulati : Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me in spite of him playing left-handed…

Manpreet : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!!

Isnt this the truth!…

1970: Long Hair

2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.

2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.

2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.

2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because its cool.

2000: Moving to California because its warm.

1970: Growing pot.

2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.

2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenns historic flight with your parents.

2000: Watching John Glenns historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.

2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.

2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our presidents struggle with Fidel.

2000: Our presidents struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.

2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.

2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.

2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.

2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.

2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.

2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principals office.

2000: Calling the principals office.

1970: Screw the system!

2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.

2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.

2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.

2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the drivers test.

2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: Whatever

2000: Depends

(Source unknown and many years old)

From 13 to 18 a woman is like Africa – virgin and unexplored

From 19 to 35 she is like Asia – hot and exotic

From 36 to 45 she is like America – fully explored and free with her resources

From 46 to 55 she is like Europe – exhausted, but still has points of interest

From 56 on she is like Australia – everyone knows its down there but no one
gives a damn.