Old and New Jokes

Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.

Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair!

My new work philosophy: Always give 100% at work…12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

Being peniless doesnt mean you have to dress without style. A smart girl finds high fashion lurking in any pile of cast-offs. With a little pluckishness, hard work, and the keen advice of Ooze, youll be the envy of every kid on the block!

Two scrap 2 x 4s, available at any construction site, can be transformed into a pair of hip, 70s-style clogs with only a sharp knife, wood glue, and some heavy twine. The ultimate in platform shoes!

Chrome bumpers, split around the corners and accompanied by a lawnmower grass pouch, can approximate that tiny silver backpack thing thats really hot with the baby t-shirt and barrette set.

Like the cool, keys on a janitors chain look thats so popular with the club kids? Any metal gate, cut apart with a hacksaw can be wound to your jeans to create that workingmans look for a bargain price. If all the metal gates near your house are electrical, try shorting the circuit with your kid brother!

Old toothpaste caps, cut in half and glued to your gums with epoxy, can cover up any embarrassing gaps in your smile caused by rotting teeth!

Large plastic garbage bags can be cut into a variety of snug fitting and sexy dresses for all occasions! Just make sure to make airholes in the bag so you dont smell like a sweaty pig!

Gangrenous sores threatening to ruin your prom? A healthy dose of colored electrical tape can cover them up in minutes. Tell your friends you are wearing red tape to signify your support for AIDS victims. Theyll be so impressed with your social awareness, they wont notice any tell-tale rotting!

Think of yourself as Mr. Retro but dont have the wallet to back up the claim? Create your own JAMS, those colorful Bermuda shorts from the Reagan era, by duct taping rotting vegetables to your thighs! Look out, Spuds McKenzie!

Proud of your African heritage but too unskilled to weave a multi-colored tapestry? Old bath towels, even those with Roger Rabbit or Pee Wees Playhouse insignias, can be cut into great African daishikis!

Live in a shanty-town with no services? A fully-juiced car battery can provide up to two hours of electrical power for your curling iron!

Professional tattoos are expensive, and homemade ones make you look like youve spent a lot of time in jail. Now you can mutilate your skin the discount way! Clods of dirt, colorful industrial chemicals, and hunks of hot tar fresh off the summer street can be mixed together and seared into human flesh to create exciting designs!

Want to look smart, but cant afford eyeglasses? Discarded jelly jars, held together by a wire clothes hanger can make even the biggest dullard look like an instant Pointdexter!

If you have any tips youd like to share, e-mail drbubonic@aol.com with the details and enter to win a free brick which can be used to stuff your bra!

Read Ooze at http://www.ooze.com/

Q: Why did the Blonde girl stand in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?

A: So she could see what she looks like asleep.

Aries:
pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
Taurus:
will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.
Gemini:
goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
Cancer:
stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.
Leo:
plans their costume for months, then wont go out because someone else had the same idea.
Virgo:
wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells
everyone theyre a bookkeeper.
Libra:
is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.
Scorpio:
isnt in it for the candy.
Sagittarius:
will manage to wander to the next town.
Capricorn:
makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.
Aquarius:
builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.
Pisces:
skips the whole thing to compose
poetry to the Moon.

An elderly woman walked into a doctors office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years. She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire.
After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, I have just the thing. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner….
The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctors office and exclaimed, You have to change my husbands prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table; breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!
I feel awful, said the doctor. Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes.
Dont worry about it, replied the woman, We just wont eat at that restaurant any more…………..

A number of years ago, a wealthy Texas rancher had a daughter who was about marrying age. But the rancher was afraid that someone would try to marry his daughter just for his money. So he decided to throw a party and invite all of the eligible men. At the party everyone was enjoying Texas longhorn steaks, Lone Star beer, etc.

After a while, the rancher gathered everyone over to his olympic-sized swimming pool. He and his daughter were on one side, all of the eligible men were on the other.

He announced to the men, I have filled my pool with alligators, crocodiles, piranha, snakes, and all sorts of man-eating vermin. The first young man to jump in and make it across my pool alive receives 1 of 3 things. He may have 10,000 acres of my finest land, 5,000 head of my finest cattle, or my daughters hand in marriage.

Immediately a young man was in the pool, arms flailing, feet kicking, and waves splashing all around. He jumped out of the pool, his shirt, jeans, and boots soaked, but he was unharmed.

Young man, that was the bravest thing I have ever seen, would you like to have 10,000 acres of my finest land?

The young man, bent over from exhaustion, replied No sir.

Then perhaps you would like 5,000 head of my finest cattle?

The young man, still bent over and out of breath, replied, Thank you but, no sir.

Young man, I would be proud to call you my son, you may have my daughters hand in marriage.

Thank you sir but, I do not want your daughters hand in marriage.

Young man, that was the bravest thing I have ever seen. What would you like and it is yours?

Sir, I want the name of the son-of-a-bitch that pushed me in the pool!

Two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.The Jewish men are dumbfounded. My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish? they both think.After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?The owner looks around and leans in so no-one else will hear and says, Shhhh. He thinks were teaching him English.

Two nuns were asked by the Mother Superior to decorate the inside of the monastery, but under no cicumstances were they to get even one drop of paint on their habits. After an hour of really slow going, one nun says This is far too slow. Why dont we take off our clothes, finish decorating, then re-dress again? No-one will know… And thats exactly what they did.


But before long there came a knock at the front door so, quite startled, the first nun calls Who is it?


Im the blind man came the reply. So the nuns relax and the first goes off and opens the door.


Wow, great body lady! Now where do you want these blinds…?

Once upon a time there was a very naughty little rabbit who liked to tie squirrels tails in knots. The squirrels were, naturally, very upset by this and appealed to the Spirit of the Woods.

She appeared before the little rabbit and said You are a very bad little rabbit and if you tie just one more squirrels tail I will change you into a goon!

The rabbit promised he would be good, for he surely did not want to be a goon but, before long, he yielded to temptation and tied another squirrels tail into a knot. The Spirit reappeared instantly and with a puff of smoke – she changed the little rabbit into a goon.

The moral of the story, of course, is … Hare today, goon tomorrow.