Old and New Jokes

If you refer to the fourth grade as your senior year, you might be a redneck.

    Four surgeons were sitting around discussing whothey like to operate on.

    The first surgeon said, "I like operating onlibrarians.  When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

    The second surgeon said, "I like operatingon accountants.  When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

    The third surgeon said, "I like operating onelectricians.  When you open them up everything is color coded.

    The fourth surgeon said, "I like operatingon lawyers".

    The other three surgeons looked at each other indisbelief.  One of them asked why.

    The fourth surgeon replied, "Because theyare heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

A
husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.
That night the wife approached her husband wearing
the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their
wedding night.
She looked at her husband and said, "Honey,
do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Thats right. Do you remember what
you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He responded, "As I remember, I said, Oh baby,
Im going to suck the life out of those big boobs
and screw your brains out. "
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, thats exactly
what you said. So, now its 50 years later, and Im
in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you
have to say tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission
accomplished."

A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school.

She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast.

No, the son replies. I dont wanna go to school!

You HAVE to go to school, the mother scolds.

No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers dont like me, and the lunches are icky.

You WILL go to school, young man, the mother warns.

Why? Why do I have to go to school today? the son asks.

The mother is about to lose her patience.

Because youre the principal, now get out of bed!

Once a foreigner comes to Mumbai International Airport and takes a taxi.On the way seeing other cars he says that here cars move very slowly.In his country they move very fast.

When his destination arrived he got down and checked the meter.

He asked the driver how did the meter go so high?The driver replied that the reason for the meter to run so fast was that te meter was bought from the foreigners country!!!

Before AOL group sex meant the risk of STDs. Now you run the risk of getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
Before AOL family reunions were needed just to touch base, and the main topic was how Cousin Jed was in jail. Now IMs are used to touch base and they start flying as cousin Jed is TOSd for soliciting passwords.
Before AOL teens would be embarrassed to go to the local news-stand and pick up a copy of playboy. Now you have to hide the credit cards to keep them from buying Live Nudies on the Internet.
Before AOL you sat down and explained to your teen about using condoms. Now you find yourself out buying a spill-proof keyboard.
Before AOL your mother ordered pizza from a paper menu. Now she orders from a virtual pizza shop, and gets pissed when the delivery never comes.
Before AOL your husband sent flowers for your B-day, Valentines, etc. Now He shows his affection by sending you roses from a virtual florist, and justifies it by stating, They will never die.
Before AOL you had sex in bed with your spouse. Now you expect your significant other to sign on with Big44D4U or HungLo10 respectively.
Before AOL you dined out. Now you scrape last nights meal from your keyboard.
Before AOL, You would get upset that your wife went shopping. Now she can shop till she drops just so long as you hide the credit card.
Before AOL the ugliest person you had ever met made a pass at you and you shot them down grimacing. Now you have no clue as to who that person really is that you cybered last night.
Before AOL people used terrible pick up lines at the bar. Now they bombard you with IMs asking you to get nekkid.
Before AOL teachers could go to the library, look inside an Encyclopaedia and tell if you had plagiarised the hell out of it. Now they can surf the web for years and still have no clue.
Before AOL people would prejudge you by your physical appearance and /or abilities. Now they listen to what you have to say before they make a decision.

For a couple years Ive been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. Im tired because Im overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.This leaves 19 million to do the work.Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.You and me . . . and youre sitting there reading jokes.

A Christmas tree is always erect.
Even small ones give satisfaction.
A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
A Christmas tree always looks good – even when its lit.
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.
You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
You dont have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you break one of its balls.
You only have to feed/water it once a week.
Its always there to light up your life.
It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
It always smells nice and doesnt pass gas.
If it needles you, you can toss it out.
It doesnt ask you to have little Christmas trees.

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, Pig #1, do you know your mission?
The pig replies, Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink.

Then NASA Control asks the second pig, Pig #2, do you know your mission?

The second pig replies, Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink.

Then NASA asks the blonde, Blonde woman, do you know your mission?

The blonde woman replies, Ummmmmmm…. Oh yeah, I remember now. Feed the pigs – and DONT TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!

How many Irishmen does it take to replace a light bulb?

30, 2 to hold the light bulb and 28 to drink till the room starts spinning.