My fiancee and I made this up today:
A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the
street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures hell spend about
3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and
then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response:
Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, Ill give
you two dollars. Everybody wins.
An Sudanese went down to South Africa to visit a buddy of his. They went driving down the highway in the South Africans pick-up. Around a bend in the road they came across an Indian. The South African pulls out his gun and shoots the Zulu. The Sudanese says Hey! What did you do that for!!??
The South African says Its legal to do that here!
The Sudanese says Okay. Seems pretty strange to me but if you say so.
They drive along a little more and come across another Zulu. The South African takes out his gun and shots him as well. The Sudanese says Are you sure its legal to do that here?.
The South African says Sure … we do it all the time.
So, they drive into this small town and stop at a liquor store. The Sudanese puts a case of beer in the back of the truck just as an Zulu is crossing the street towards him. He takes out the South Africans gun and shoots the Zulu. The South African comes running over and says Whoa … what are you doing? You cant shoot him!!
And the Sudanese says But you said it was legal!
And the South African says It is but you cant use bait!
(this joke seems to work no matter what ethnic groups you use: South African – majority or dominant group; Sudanese – visitor; Zulu – victims group)
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
Are these your grandkids? the reporter asked.
Naw, sir, they all be my younguns, the old man replied with a sly grin.
Your kids? said the reporter. What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?
Naw, sir, said the old man. She be my wife.
Your wife? said the surprised reporter. But she cant be more than 19 years old.
Thass right, said the old man with pride.
Well, surely you cant have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19, the reporter remarked.
Naw, sir, said the old man. We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.
Wait just one minute, said the newspaperman. Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?
Cause, the spry old man said with a balled fist, I fights em.
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.
The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and dont talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.
Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose.
And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom. When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks Did you powder your nose?
Yes, said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
Well, then says the little girl, Youd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!
from http://crazie.net/
You might be a redneck if…
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You might be a redneck if…
your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
How can you tell if a man youre dating is lazy?
He throws his kisses.
Why are women like parking spaces?
The best ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
There was a black guy, an Arab, and a Jew on a plane. The plane was too heavy and was going to crash so each man had to empty one thing from the plane while it was in the air…
The Black throws over all of his lugagge.
The Arab throws over his bullets.
And, finally, the Jew throws over the Arab…
When a reporter asked Bush what he thought about his first hundred days in office he replied Has it been a year already?