Old and New Jokes

One Sunday morning after church, little Maurys family invited the priest to breakfast at their home. His mother asked little Maury what he would like for his breakfast and he replied, I want a lightbulb.

Everyone laughed.

The priest was warmly touched by Maurys funny remark.

Very funny little Maury, said Mom. Now tell me what you want to eat.

I wanna lightbulb, said little Maury.

Mom felt a little irritated with Maury behaving this way in front of their guest. She said sternly, Enough of that, now what do you want to eat?

I wanna lightbulb, Mommy, little Maury said once more.

Mom had enough and said, Now you can go to your room!

The good priest felt he should intervene. Now little Maury, tell us why you want a lightbulb for breakfast.

Maury replied, Well, last night when I went to bed I heard Daddy say to Mommy, Honey, turn out the light and Ill eat that thing.

A man was talking to the Lord about women. Lord why did you make women so beautiful?

The answer came, So you would look at them.

Again the man asked, Lord why did you make women so lovely?

The reply came down, So you would love them.

The man asked one more question. Lord, why did you make women so dumb?

The Lord said, So they would love you.

Things Never Said By a Redneck…

1. Oh I just couldnt. Hell, shes only sixteen.

2. Ill take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

3. Duct tape wont fix that.

4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

5. Come to think of it, Ill have a Heineken.

6. We dont keep firearms in this house.

7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

8. You cant feed that to the dog.

9. I thought Graceland was tacky.

10. No kids in the back of the pickup, its just not safe.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the

third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on

the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailin away ahead of them.

Engineer: Whats with these guys? Weve been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I dont know but Ive never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Lets have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, whats with that group ahead of us?

Theyre rather slow, arent they?

George: Oh yes. Thats a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge!

Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.

Priest: Thats so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And Im going to contact my opthamologist buddy and see if theres anything he can do for them.

After a short pause …

Engineer: Why cant these guys play at night!

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; shes a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; youre so sweet and adorable, and headjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine grandfather port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie daks while hypnotised by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great arse. When apathy replaces ardour, living together becomes cohabitation; and your gorgeous sex kitten becomes her indoors

Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

Addictions

Before:

You tell her you dont mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that youve taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After:

For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that youre just being you.

Bodily functions

Before:

You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After:

You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think its hilarious.

Relations/Friends

Before:

Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think isreally nice.

After:

Aunty Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldnt mind slipping her one if the opportunity arose.

Sex

Before:

Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You fuck to impress, using all your tricks – your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Fucking four times a day is not uncommon.

After:

A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

Attention span

Before:

Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After:

Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesnt involve you. Whats more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, Are you listening to me? becomes an evening mantra.

The flip side

Before:

She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships … but she suspects that youre full of shit.

After:

She knows youre full of shit

A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in. After hes registered, St. Peter says to him, Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why dont you get yourself something to eat?

The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. Im a doctor he says, Im a busy man, I dont have time to wait in line.

The others say, Youre in heaven now, were all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!

A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and no one utters a peep. Hey, he says to the guy in front of him, Who does that guy think he is?

Oh, thats God, says the guy, He likes to play doctor!

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door? Why sure, said the manager, we have something that works especially well for that. A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. No, no! A little to the left, said the other blonde inside the car.

Trish: My tummy is getting awfully big, doctor. Doctor: You should diet. Trish: Really? What color?

These snippets from Polish Police reports – purported to be true – have been translated and submitted to another list by Andrzej Zychla

• The corpse was very well-exposed – nicely arranged into the door frame.
• The investigation was hindered because the pig had already been consumed.
• The suspect relieved himself – soiling his trousers in order to escape responsibility.
• I curtailed my investigation due to the fact that the couple was in need of medico-sexual attention.
• Throwing water on the victim did not help – the deceased remained dead.
• On the road lay a dead dog, and next to its probable owner – also dead.
• With the drunken woman was found a sober infant.
• Careful investigation revealed that the sack was empty due to the fact that it contained a hole.
• The victim was kicked in the sitting part of her body.
• The victim does not admit to guilt due to personal reasons and his own opinion.
• The victim was driven to the hospital to be placed in its morgue.
• A crowned eagle was desecrated on my head.
• I repeatedly emphasize that the police foot patrol is in no state to effectively apprehend the fleeing automobile.
• He had been hiding in the dumpster, which resulted in his stinking so intensely that even the police dog made a face.
• On patrolling the streets, I noticed calm.
• The owner struck the horse until death.
• At the scene of the crime I discovered three corpses, two of which showed signs of life in the form of curses, the third being completely deceased.
• In the forest we found trees, bushes and other objects of unknown origin.
• It was a dog of Alsatian make.
• The investigated person had seen neither the suspect nor anything else due to the fact that he was blind.
• The suspect beat his wife with whom he had five children with the help of a bit of string.

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

I will give each of you each one wish, thats three wishes total, says the Genie.

The Canadian says, I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.

With a blink of the Genies eye, POOF the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state.

Again, with a blink of the Genies eye, POOF there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam (a former civil engineer) asks, Im very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, Well, its about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out—virtually impenetrable.

Uncle Sam says, Fill it with water.