1. He took public transportation to and from his bank robbery.
2. He is using his seeing eye dog as a look-out.
3. Instead of a cherry pie, she shoplifted yeast, flour, eggs, and a jar of cherries.
4. You caught him driving a stolen car with The Club still on.
5. He tries to convince you that he thought crack was a breakfast cereal.
6. He responds to your use of verbal force with a bunch of Yomomma one-liners.
7. He makes himself laugh every time he says hes innocent.
8. He claims diplomatic immunity because hes a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
9. He asks the judge for a senior citizen discount on his 7-year sentence.
10. He left footprints and a bloody glove at the crime scene.

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didnt think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off. Why, Peter, Jesus said. You know your health is my first
concern. Take as much time as you need.As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane. As the man neared, Jesus said, Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?Well, replied the man, I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.We would certainly love to have you, said Jesus, but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself, said the man. I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son, he continued, now HE was special!With pride in his voice he said, I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day hes known throughout the world and loved by all alike.As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, Father!Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, Pinocchio!

There was great disorder in the Hall of the August Personages.

All these meetings have really confused me, said the Lord of Storms. Now I dont know if I have to send rain or generate a storm.

The Lord of Happiness was equally furious. I dont know if I have to reward a person with a lucky win or deliver hope to their doorstep.

What about me? said the Lord of Natural Disasters, I dont know when to move the Earth or when to erupt a volcano.

The Lord of Orders (whose job was to organise meetings) finally spoke.

Let us, he said, hold a meeting to discuss our meetings.

Moral: A rooster only gets pleasure in crowing.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asks, Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?

Yes, Father, it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

Sure and I cant be tellin you, Father. I dont want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Tommy, Im sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda OMalley?

I cannot say.

Was it Patricia Kelly?

Ill never tell.

Was it Liz Shannon?

Im sorry, but Ill not name her.

Was it Cathy Morgan?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Fiona McDonald, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. Youre a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But youve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, Whatd you get?

Five good leads, says Tommy.

If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?

Ms. Nice Gal – Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldnt have.

Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat

Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly

Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

Old Yeller – You spineless good-for-nothing no- talent SOB! Cant you see youre making me miserable?

Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady

Advantages: Pays attention to you.

Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans

Sickly – Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps.

Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy

Advantages: Predictable

Disadvantages: Contagious

The Boss – Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Dont give me that look.

Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain

Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – I just cant decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair colour?

Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw Cmon Honey

Advantages: Easily soothed

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman – Ive got an idea. Lets get drunk and make love on the front lawn. Ive done it before. Its fun!

Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy – I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at

Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.

Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

Woman from Mars – I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship

Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic

Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

Ms. Dreamgirl – I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel.

Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One

Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Just Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull up your pants!

Rush Limbaugh announced the following on his TV show, June 29. It was reprinted in the July 1, {Washington [DC] Times}. He stated that with all the attacks on the religious right by the liberals, it was time to find out what their agenda was, so without further delay, here is

The 14 Commandments of the Religious Left (in no particular order):

Thou shalt have no other God except thyself, after all, its thy self-esteem that counts. If thou doth not love thyself, who will?
Thou shalt not make any gravn image out of any substances which cannot be recycled.
Thou shalt not take the name of liberals in criticism, including feminists, racial minorities, or any person who thinks he is a victim of America.
Remember the anniversaries of {Roe v. Wade} and Anita Hills testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and keep them holy.
Honor thy mother. If shes dysfunctional, its thy fathers fault.
Thou shalt not kill. With these exceptions: life forms under the second trimester, and those opting for medically assisted suicides.
Thou shalt not commit adultery. Unless thou aspirest to high political office, weareth a condom, or cannot help it.
Thou shalt not steal. Unless thou art disadvantaged or upset with a [California] jury verdict.
Thou shalt not bear false witness. Unless thou are discussing the history of the 1980s, art campaigning, or can afford good legal counsel in the event thou art discovered.
Thou shalt not covet. Unless thou art the victim of gender-related oppression or institutional racism, or art still angy with Reagans tax cuts.
Always hide the real truth about thyself.
Never admit who or what thou really art when campaigning for office.
Always blame someone else for what thou art – even so far as to blame the entire society.
Thou shalt oppose all punishment – except when conservative Republicans or religious right people criticise thee.

You might be redneck if your house has more miles on it than your car!

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands werent met.