Old and New Jokes

These snippets from Polish Police reports – purported to be true – have been translated and submitted to another list by Andrzej Zychla

• The corpse was very well-exposed – nicely arranged into the door frame.
• The investigation was hindered because the pig had already been consumed.
• The suspect relieved himself – soiling his trousers in order to escape responsibility.
• I curtailed my investigation due to the fact that the couple was in need of medico-sexual attention.
• Throwing water on the victim did not help – the deceased remained dead.
• On the road lay a dead dog, and next to its probable owner – also dead.
• With the drunken woman was found a sober infant.
• Careful investigation revealed that the sack was empty due to the fact that it contained a hole.
• The victim was kicked in the sitting part of her body.
• The victim does not admit to guilt due to personal reasons and his own opinion.
• The victim was driven to the hospital to be placed in its morgue.
• A crowned eagle was desecrated on my head.
• I repeatedly emphasize that the police foot patrol is in no state to effectively apprehend the fleeing automobile.
• He had been hiding in the dumpster, which resulted in his stinking so intensely that even the police dog made a face.
• On patrolling the streets, I noticed calm.
• The owner struck the horse until death.
• At the scene of the crime I discovered three corpses, two of which showed signs of life in the form of curses, the third being completely deceased.
• In the forest we found trees, bushes and other objects of unknown origin.
• It was a dog of Alsatian make.
• The investigated person had seen neither the suspect nor anything else due to the fact that he was blind.
• The suspect beat his wife with whom he had five children with the help of a bit of string.

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

I will give each of you each one wish, thats three wishes total, says the Genie.

The Canadian says, I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.

With a blink of the Genies eye, POOF the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state.

Again, with a blink of the Genies eye, POOF there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam (a former civil engineer) asks, Im very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, Well, its about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out—virtually impenetrable.

Uncle Sam says, Fill it with water.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, Do you still get horny?

The other replies, Oh sure I do. The first old lady asks, What do you do about it?

The second old lady replies, I suck a lifesaver.

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, Who drives you to the beach?

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN
OFFICE IN LONDON–written from Central Spain, August 1812

Gentlemen,

Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by
H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our
headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles,
and all manner of sundry items for which His Majestys
Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on
the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and
every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
unaccounted for in one infantry battalions petty cash and there
has been a hideous confusion as the the number of jars of
raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm
in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be
related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with
France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you
gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request
elucidation of my instructions from His Majestys Government so
that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over
these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of
two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for
the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or
perchance.

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of
Spain.

Your most obedient servant,

Wellington

-Paul S. R. Chisholm

A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird.

Radioing Earth they yell: Houston, weve got a problem, theres a bunch of fully-bearded green Martians wearing black clothes, sidecurls and hats out there.

Go out and make contact, find more about them, was the reply.

So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: Do you all dress like that?

Oh, not at all, reply the Martians, Only the orthodox ones!

If you think youre having a bad day…read these true stories!

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally…….

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didnt pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with return to sender stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply couldnt afford any more children. They looked around and found an excellent Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then they found out she was going to have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named them Juan and Amal.

The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a very amicable relationships. One day, Juans family sent a picture of the youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son. She said to her husband, He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this of our other son, too.

He replied, But dear, they are twins. When youve seen Juan, youve seen Amal!

Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his
successor.

The one worry I have, says Lenin, is this: will the people
follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?

They will, says Stalin, they surely will.

I hope so, says Lenin, but what if they dont follow you?

No problem, says Stalin, then theyll follow you.

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

The boys hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.

The old man just stared at him.

The boy said, Whats the matter, old man, havent you ever done anything wild in your life?

The old man answered, Well yes, actually I have. I once got drunk and screwed a parrot…

I was just wondering if you were my son!

Q: Whats the difference between a faggot and a queer?

A: A faggot wont go downtown with you to beat up queers!