Dum and Dummer were roughing in a house when Dummer sees Dum throwing away half the nails.
Hold it!, says Dummer.Why are you throwing all those nails away?
Because., says Dum. The heads are on the wrong end.
You dummy!, replies Dummer.
Those are for the other side of the house!
A quite sobered up drunk is at Sunday mass listening to a long boring
sermon. Feeling still hungover and tired he finally nods out hoping
no one will notice. The priest has been watching him all along and at
the end of the sermon decides to make an example out of him.
Who in this room would like a place in heaven please stand up
he exclaims. The whole room stands up except of course for one. Obviously
displeased he now says loudly, and he who would like to find a place in hell
please STAND UP. The man catching only the last part, groggily stands up
only to find that hes the only one standing up. Confused and embarrassed
he says, I dont know what were voting on here father but sure seems like
you and me are the only ones standing for it.
You might be a redneck if…
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
10. Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!
9. One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day…think about it
8. HONK if youve slept with Commander Riker!
7. Guns dont kill people…Class 2 Phasers do!
6. Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!
5. CAUTION…We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical.
4. If you can read this…dont you think youre a wee bit too close?
3. Have you hugged a Ferengi today?
2. We brake for cubes!
1. Wesley On Board!
Best Bumper sticker on Borg ship:
Blonde Borgs have the same fun.
Before Little Red Riding Hood went through the forest to see her granny, Mother warned her: There is a Wolf in the woods. Be careful and if you happen to meet him hide where you can.
So Little Red Riding Hood went through the forest. Suddenly she heard something move nearby. As she saw no place to hide she hid her face in her skirt.
As she wore no underpants, it was a magnificient view for a young hunter who appeared on the path. And he said to himself: Why not to make use of the opportunity that is offering to me?
And he began – you know what.
After a while Little Red Riding Hood dared to ask: Are you the Wolf? still hidding her face.
Of cource I am, answered the hunter.
And what are you doing? Are you eating me?
Yes, I am.
So go on, wolf. I like it very much.
What goes Vroom-screech, vroom-screech?
An anxious woman goes to her doctor.
Doctor, she asks nervously, can you get pregnant from anal
intercourse?
Certainly, replies the doctor, Where do you think lawyers come
from?
-Pete Ahrens
San Francisco, California
If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbies so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why dont deaf people wear earmuffs?
Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!
The Election Is Over, The Results Are Known.
The Will Of The People Has Been Clearly Shown.
So Lets All Get Together And Let Bitterness Pass,
Ill Hug Your Elephant, And You Can Kiss My ASS!!!!!