Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, Do you still get horny?
The other replies, Oh sure I do. The first old lady asks, What do you do about it?
The second old lady replies, I suck a lifesaver.
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, Who drives you to the beach?
MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN
OFFICE IN LONDON–written from Central Spain, August 1812
Gentlemen,
Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by
H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our
headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles,
and all manner of sundry items for which His Majestys
Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on
the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and
every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
unaccounted for in one infantry battalions petty cash and there
has been a hideous confusion as the the number of jars of
raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm
in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be
related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with
France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you
gentlemen in Whitehall.
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request
elucidation of my instructions from His Majestys Government so
that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over
these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of
two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for
the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or
perchance.
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of
Spain.
Your most obedient servant,
Wellington
-Paul S. R. Chisholm
A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird.
Radioing Earth they yell: Houston, weve got a problem, theres a bunch of fully-bearded green Martians wearing black clothes, sidecurls and hats out there.
Go out and make contact, find more about them, was the reply.
So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: Do you all dress like that?
Oh, not at all, reply the Martians, Only the orthodox ones!
If you think youre having a bad day…read these true stories!
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And finally…….
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didnt pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with return to sender stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply couldnt afford any more children. They looked around and found an excellent Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then they found out she was going to have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named them Juan and Amal.
The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a very amicable relationships. One day, Juans family sent a picture of the youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son. She said to her husband, He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this of our other son, too.
He replied, But dear, they are twins. When youve seen Juan, youve seen Amal!
Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his
successor.
The one worry I have, says Lenin, is this: will the people
follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?
They will, says Stalin, they surely will.
I hope so, says Lenin, but what if they dont follow you?
No problem, says Stalin, then theyll follow you.
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.
The boys hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.
The old man just stared at him.
The boy said, Whats the matter, old man, havent you ever done anything wild in your life?
The old man answered, Well yes, actually I have. I once got drunk and screwed a parrot…
I was just wondering if you were my son!
Q: Whats the difference between a faggot and a queer?
A: A faggot wont go downtown with you to beat up queers!
What did the astronaut see in his skillet pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object!
1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favorite celebrity is Jewish
2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines at ones Bar or Bat mitzvah.
3. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
4. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
5. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 400 AM so she can change the babys diaper.
6. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
7. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.
8. KISHKA n. Smooching at a Bar Mitzvah and getting the telltale smell of Stuffed Derma.
9. MEINSTEIN slang. My son, the genius.
10. MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception.
11 RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from New Jersey to Florida and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.
12. ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock n roll band from Brooklyn.
13. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
14. DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and
Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irvs son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
15. KINDERSCHLEP n. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
16. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
17. OYVAYSMEAR What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
18. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot.