Old and New Jokes

What did the astronaut see in his skillet pan?

An Unidentified Frying Object!

1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favorite celebrity is Jewish

2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines at ones Bar or Bat mitzvah.

3. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

4. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

5. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 400 AM so she can change the babys diaper.

6. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

7. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

8. KISHKA n. Smooching at a Bar Mitzvah and getting the telltale smell of Stuffed Derma.

9. MEINSTEIN slang. My son, the genius.

10. MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception.

11 RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from New Jersey to Florida and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

12. ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock n roll band from Brooklyn.

13. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

14. DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and


Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irvs son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

15. KINDERSCHLEP n. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

16. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

17. OYVAYSMEAR What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.

18. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot.

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, May I please speak to your manager?

He says, Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?

She replies, I dont know if your the man to talk to…its kind of personal…

Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, Im pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.

She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth…and he begins sucking them, thinking Im in!!!

She goes, Can you give the manager something for me?

The bartender nods…yes. Tell him theres no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.

The Russian and the American presidents are walking along the beach. They start
discussing their submarines.

The Russian president says, We recently have made much progress with our
submarines. They can now stay as long under water as yours, for one month.

The American president replies, Do you not think that we also made progress?
Our submarines can now stay under water for two months.

Shortly after this discussion they hear some strange sound coming from the sea.
Suddenly a old fashioned looking submarine appears. A hatch opens and a
uniformed man appears, Heil Hitler, meine Herren. Can you tell me whether the
war is already over?

Elite Modeling Agency ™
Where ugly people need not apply.

Pop Rocks ™
What doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.

Wesson ™ Oil
Because car oil tastes nasty with chicken.

Hoover ™
No one sucks like Hoover does.

Smith & Wesson ™
Say it with love. Say it with a gun.

Vagasil ™
Because women arent supposed to scratch in public.

Jessie Helms campaign slogan
Cause you dont know no better.

Hooters ™
Who needs good food?

Gerber ™
Because a baby will put anything in its mouth.

NyQuil ™
The Nightime, Sniffling, Sneezing, Coughing, Achy-Head,
Oh-my-God-I-cant-feel-my-legs medicine.

What does a duck like to eat? A quacker!

LAWYER: A cat who settles a dispute between 2 mice.

Excerpted from the Columbus Dispatch, (compiled by Accent staff) 5/15/91:
<Accent is the only portion of the Dispatch worth reading, IMHO>

Accent asked students at Columbus Beck School, and Dublins Chapman
Elementary to study a list of 20 axioms with the key words missing.

<Here are a few of my favorites:>

–If you cant stand the heat, get a Pool.

–If you cant stand the heat, get out of the oven.

–A bird in the hand is messy.

–Dont count your chickens, eat them.

–You cant teach an old dog new math.

–When in Rome, do Roman numerals in math.

–When in Rome, do bulls run around town?

–Too many cooks, so little meals.

–A fool and his money are my best friends.

–A penny saved is one cent.

–Look before you run into a pole.

–A watched pot never disappears.

–A rolling stone makes you flat.

–A rolling stone is a singing rock group.

–Every cloud has a wet spot.

How do you change a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel!

One day Ms. Nelson, a kindergarden teacher, was giving a lesson on imagination. What she would do was hold an item behind her back, give a few descriptions of the item, and ask the kids to guess what it was.

First she said to the children I have something long and yellow behind my back. The kids suggested a pencil. Ms. Nelson said no, im holding a bannana, but I like you alls imagination.

Next she said I have something round and red. Little Johnny stood up and guessed it was a ball. Ms. Nelson told Johnny it was an apple but she liked Johnnys imagination.

Johnny had an idea. He told his teacher, I have something in my pocket thats warm and it has a head on it. Well Ms. Nelson got really upset and told Johnny he was to go to the principals office for being soo dirty minded.

Little Johnny then said, No, Ms. Nelson, its a quarter, but I LIKE YOURE IMAGINATION!!!