Old and New Jokes

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. Its free, Peter replied, this is Heaven.

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to.

They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, What are the green fees? Peters reply, This is heaven, you play for free.

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. How much to eat? asked the old man.

Dont you understand yet? This is heaven,it is free! Peter replied with some exasperation.

Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, Thats the best part … you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, This is all your fault. If it werent for your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!

A local throwaway paper has a column called News of the Weird which
may be syndicated. Excerpting…

George Bushs August message attempting to woo the support of the
National Letter Carriers missed its mark because campaign officials
sent the message by Federal Express, whose deliveries the union refuses
to accept.

Maurice Suhre

A Brooklynite tourist was strolling through Hong Kong when he spied a synagogue. He entered and, sure enough, he found a Chinese Rabbi and a Chinese congregation.


Even though he spoke no Chinese, he was touched by the service.


The rabbi stood by the door greeting his congregants, When the Brooklynite shook the rabbis hand, the rabbi asked, You Jew?


The man answered Yes


The rabbi replied, Funny, you dont look Jewish!

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone – Get me a coffee, quickly!

The voice from the other side responded, You fool youve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who youre talking to, dumbo?

No, replied the trainee.

Its the CEO of the company, you fool!

The trainee shouts back, And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!

No. replied the CEO indignantly.

Good! replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco. She
phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.

Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each
other. Theyre called gays or homosexuals. Even more surprising, there are
women here who do the same things and they are referred to as lesbians. You
probably wont believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a womans
private parts and do things with their tongues.

Good Lord, her mom said. What do they call them?

Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them precious!

Worst Analagies Written By High Schoolers

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldnt.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when youre on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like Second Tall Man.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigans teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, What are you up to?

Alice smiled. Im going hunting with you!

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, If you see a deer, take careful aim and Ill come running back as soon as I hear the shot.

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldnt bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: Get away from my deer!

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: Get away from my deer! followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!

There once was this group of strange beings called Trids. The Trids were only about a foot long, and the lived in a valley next to a hill. Every day they would climb the hill to gather berries and other plant foods.

At the top of the hill lived an Ogre that always kicked the Trids down the hill.

Finally, the leader of the Trids called a local Rabbi to come help them get food and to talk to the ogre. The Rabbi stood behind a tree on the hill and watched the Trids climb up the hill.

All was fine, until the Ogre popped out of a cave and one-by-one kicked the screaming Trids down the hill.

The Rabbi scaled the hill and asked the hideous creature why he kept kicking the Trids.

The Ogre looked over at the Rabbi and simply replied, Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, Do you still get horny?The other replies, Oh sure I do.The first old lady asks, What do you do about it?The second old lady replies, I suck a Life Saver.After a few moments, the first old lady asks, Who drives you to the beach?

This article came from a fellow named Keith Wortham.

In anticipation of a PC MAGAZINE review of the well promoted but NON-AVAILABLE Microsoft Windows 4.0, he went ahead and wrote it in the typical objective style the magazine usually uses with Microsoft products. He is planning to submit it to the magazine before they can come out with their own bubbly review of the promised product.

As you know, the magazine carries big ads for Microsoft. From what I am told, ZIFF-DAVIS, which owns PC MAGAZINE, ALSO OWNS A SUBSIDIARY THAT HAS THE MARKETING ACCOUNT FOR MICROSOFT! (Does that strike you as a bit of a CONFLICT OF INTEREST, and ample incentive for total non-objectivity?)

Quoting Keith Wortham:

The latest issue of PC Magazine contains the exciting and long awaited news that there will be an article on Windows 4.0 appearing in the next issue. To save those of you who do not subscribe from having to buy the magazine, we thought we would try to anticipate the expected high points of the coming article. If you have any inside information or would like to add your predictions, please feel free to do so.

!!!!!!!!!! AMAZING WINDOWS 4.0 !!!!!!!!!!

We are privileged this month to bring you our long overdue article on Microsofts groundbreaking Operating System, the incredible Windows 4.0. Our exceptional journalistic standards demand that we preface this article by a restatement of our policy concerning review of non-shipping products. While our policy has always been that we would review no product that is not actually shipping at the time of publication, WE HAVE CHANGED OUR POLICY FOR THIS ISSUE ONLY. Our policy for this issue is that we will review any product that someone tells us might possibly be developed at any time in the future. After this issue, our policy will revert to what it was prior to this issue until such time that Microsoft begins to again consider their next edition of software and begins another high-visibility promotion geared to discourage users from looking at the competition.

We put the wonderful Windows 4.0 operating system through our grueling Winbench benchmark program which was magnanimously donated to PC Labs by Microsoft Corporation. Our test bed was the standard platform used by most PC users – a Cray Supercomputer with 3 Gigabytes of RAM and a $9000 Windows graphics accelerator card with 512 Megabytes of SRAM. Our testing was made more difficult by the fact that no actual code was available at the time of the procedure. We did have available, however, a screen shot of the stupendous Windows 4.0 which we put through its paces. Our staff was speechless over how pretty the screen shot was. We also had the benefit of the assistance of 12 Microsoft employees who provided invaluable imput, and also took us to lunch as well as provide us all with free copies of MicroSoft Office.

The tremendous Windows 4.0 was a dream to install. We didnt even have to open the box! All of our applications were immediately migrated into the new OS, except the OS/2 applications. They mysteriously disappeared. We were told that this is a bug in the way that OS/2 apps are written and that this was IBMs problem. The screen shot scored a respectable .000001 Winmarks on our testing platform. Microsoft officials assure us that performance of the actual code promises to be even better. The only compatibility problem arose when OS/2 for Windows stubbornly refused to load the screen shot. Microsoft officials advise us that this was also IBMs problem.

Microsoft officials told us that 4 Megabytes of RAM minimum would be needed in the release version. However, they also said that they would recommend 32 Megabytes for typical usage. Microsoft officials said, and we agree, that all serious PC users will have 32 Megabytes of RAM on their systems by the time Win 4.0 is released. Windows 4.0 is too sophisticated an OS for those that refuse to keep up.

We were at first concerned with the reports of the apparent absence of 32-bit code contained in Windows 4.0. However, the Microsoft officials soon set us straight. Due to Microsoft still having the patent pending for the new technology, MS officials couldnt tell us how it worked, but told us of a new Microsoft compression technology. It turns out that all of the apparent 16-bit code present in Win 4.0 is actually 32-bit bit code that has been compressed by Microsoft to look like it is only 16 bits. Microsoft officials say that this is the wave of the future in 32-bit computing.

In order for you to take advantage of the power of Win 4.0, Microsoft will be releasing three new products. These products are Visual COBOL, Visual Assembler and Visual Machine Language. The Microsoft representatives gave us a sneak peak of the Visual Machine Language product. Visual Machine Language will contain the famous Microsoft App Wizard. At first the App Wizard looked like it was only generating huge random streams of ones and zeros. However, one representative assured us that this was not the case and that MS had used it to write most of the Windows NT code.

In summary, we can state without any fear of being accused of hyperbole that the most excellent Windows 4.0 is the greatest technological breakthrough since the discovery of fire and the invention of the wheel (neither of which, unfortunately, is patented by Microsoft… yet). The God-like Windows 4.0 ranks right up there with the other accomplishments of Microsoft, such as the graphical user interface, the mouse, memory management and on-the-fly disk compression.

It is at this point that we should state PC Magazines new policy with regard to software patents, viz., We feel strongly that any software patent not held by Microsoft is void and bad for the industry.

There will be a plethora of applications specifically written to take advantage of the astounding Windows 4.0. All major software developers are expected to begin work on products immediately after reading this article. Versions of WordPerfect and Lemmings for Win 4.0 should be shipping by the time you read this. If you cannot wait for your copy of the sexy Windows 4.0, we suggest you immediately go out and buy a copy of the highly innovative MS-DOS 6.2. Follow that up with several copies of the award winning Windows for Workgroups 3.11. If you are still impatient, buy the long awaited Windows NT, which is available in bulk quantity from your local retailer at huge discounts. By that time, if the most esteemed Windows 4.0 is still not shipping, buy a few more copies of Windows NT.

While we usually dont give awards to products that are not even in Alpha release, we feel that we have no choice but to award our prestigious ZIFF-DAVIS Editors Choice to the awesome Microsoft Windows 4.0. And even though it is only April, we have also given it our ZIFF-DAVIS Year-End Technical Excellence Award in ALL categories for the years 1994 through 1999. We expect an even better version of Windows in the year 2000. So, what are you waiting for?

* Note: All words (except fire and wheel) and all alphanumeric characters in this article are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.