Old and New Jokes

An American pilot who had downed a German Messerschmidt, visited the German
pilot in the field hospital. Finding the fellow in pretty bad shape, the
American asked if he could do anything for him.

The Nazi admitted that he did have a favour to ask. The leg they amputated, on
your next bombing run, could you drop it over Germany?

Sure, pal.

It was a pretty weird request, but the pilot was happy to oblige and came back
to tell him the mission had been carried out.

The grateful German gasped his thanks, and another request. The other leg got
very bad, they had to cut it off. Could this, too, be dropped over my homeland?
It would mean a great deal to me.

The American shrugged, but returned two days later with the news that the job
was done.

Many thanks, whispered the downed Nazi, now ashen faced and unable to lift his
head from the pillow. I have just one final request. Last night they had to
amputate my right arm…

Now hang on just a darn minute, interrupted the American angrily. Are you
trying to escape?

An American was sitting in a diner, having Pancakes and Orange juice, when a French guy popping gum sits next to him. After he pops a bubble, he says, Do you eat the crusts on your bread? The American says, Yes, of course.Popping another buble, the French man says, We dont, we spit it out, churn it up, and sell it to America as pancakes. The American, disgusted, just turns away from him. When the Frenchman talks again, he asks, Do you throw away the pits in your fruit? The American, getting annoyed, just shakes his head stiffly. Popping yet another bubble, the Frenchman says, We dont, we take them out, grind them down, and sell it to America as Orange Juice. The American-who has finished with his breakfast-turns to the Frenchman and says, Do You have sex in France?The Frenchman nods and says, Course!The American says,You throw away your condoms?The Frenchman, after popping another bubble, says, Of course we do.The American, smirking, says, We dont, we melt it down, and sell it to France as gum.

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking Im a curtain. Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet God.

Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here God said to her. Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DONT Step on the ducks God said. We love and cherish ducks here.

So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.

Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing. Do whatever you want, just DONT step on the ducks. So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.

The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing. DONT STEP on the ducks.

Finally, a few weeks lateer, Olivia and Sarah are with their ugly men and they run into Jenn. And Jenn is with the most gorgeous guy that anyone had seen.

How did you get so lucky and have such a hot guy? Sarah asked her.

And the gorgeous guy looks up and says I stepped on a Duck!

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. What time is it, sir? The local reaches out and softly cups the camels genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. Its about 2:00, he says. The tourist cant believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, The man can tell the time by the weight of the camels genitals! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camels genitals. The local says Sit down here and grab the camels genitals.The farmer complied.Now, lift them up in the air and look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall.

What does the M.D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for?

Mentally deficient.

After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.

She starts crying and then asks, How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!

And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!

And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you can comforted you? Me!

And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!

How could you leave me, Jimmy? Youve been through everything with me.

Jimmy replies, Thats just the problem, Katherine! Youre just fucking bad luck!

A blond and a brunette are on an elevator, suddenly a good looking

handsome man gets on.

So then the brunette turns to the blond and says, Wow, he is so

good looking, but that dandruff on him is a real turn off.

I think we should give him some Head and Shoulders! said the

brunette.

All of a sudden the blond turned to the brunette with a confused

look and said, Ok, but how do you give shoulders?

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Twas the night before Christmas and Santas a wreck …

How to live in a world thats politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to Elves,

Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.

And to show you the strangeness of lifes ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said shed enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, hed neer had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing thats warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But youve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,

Everyone, everywhere … even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth …

May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

(c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc. should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu