Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
I have an idea, said Mike. Well throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.
What, do you think Im stupid? I have an idea. Ill shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.
What, do you think Im stupid? Youll just turn off the flashlight when Im halfway there.
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, I dont know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out, and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months.While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesnt work? they wondered, Are we stuck together FOREVER?After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes, he informed the couple, you CAN get married in Heaven.Great! said the couple, But we were just wondering, what if things dont work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard to the ground. Whats wrong? asked the frightened couple. OH, COME ON!! St. Peter shouts, It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long itll take me to find a lawyer?
A
couple had been married for several years when suddenly
the wife decides shed like to have breast implants.
The husband says, Now, honey, you know we cant afford that kind of thing right
now.
But I see you looking at other women, pleaded his wife, and I want to be as
attractive as they are to you.
Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the
protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, Honey,
I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then
rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time.
You think thatll make my breasts larger!? asked his wife.
Why not? says the husband, It worked on your ass!
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.
I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.
The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, Leave me alone!
They both jumped back, silenced. Whaa?? the teacher blubbered.
Then I typed, I said leave me alone!
The kid got really upset. I didnt do anything to it, I swear!
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: Dont touch me!
Her: Im sorry, I didnt mean to hit your keys that hard.
Me: Who do you think you are anyway?! Etc.
Finally, I couldnt contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
The governors of Alabama, Georgia & Mississippi would like to announce that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of terrorists have become romantically involved with the locals.
The result was not pretty, and we now have the sad task of reporting a new sector of the human race: ISLAMABUBBAS
So far, only a smattering of actual births has been reported, and we are hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off.
To date, we have identified the following:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Cleavie Daba Hava Tampa
Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat
Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.
Well keep you posted.
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?
The guard replies, Sure. Theyre sixty-five million, four years, and six months old.
Thats an awfully exact number, says the tourist. How do you know their age so precisely?
The guard answers, Well, they were sixty-five million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.
During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish – the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish? they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said… Shhhh. He thinks were teaching him English.
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, I am going to lock you away for five years, but Ill let you have anything you want now before I lock you away.
The Englishman says, Ill have five years supply of beer! His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.
The Frenchman says, Ill have five years supply of brandy! His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.
The Polak says, Ill have five years supply of cigarettes! His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.
Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather drunk.
Finally, they release the Polak, who comes out and says, Has anyone got a light?
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a filmlike substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather: Are these plates clean? His grandfather replied, Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal. That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again, Are you sure these plates are clean? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now dont ask me about it anymore! Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfathers dog started to growl and wouldnt let him pass so he said, Grandfather, your dog wont let me out. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted: Coldwater! Go lay down!