The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.

When something is new and improved, which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you cant eat? What, should I eat someone elses cake instead?

When people say Its always in the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after youve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie Did you see that? No dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?

The radio ad Hi, Im Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Dont drink and drive. I dont. Well, I hope you dont drive sober either Mr. Healey. Youre blind for gods sake!

People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didnt really give mea choice, did ya there buddy?

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the house next door throwing their balls on the roof.

This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked – where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done, as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs doing to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send me someone to mend our broken path. Yestersdaty my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now preganant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my spit, I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

This is let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2.

An Irishman named OMalley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor sighed and looked OMalley in the eye and said, Ive some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it cant be cured. Youd best put your affairs in order.
OMalley was shocked…. but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctors office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.
Well, Son, OMalley said, We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things dont go well. In this case, things arent so well…. I have cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints.
After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of OMalleys friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.OMalley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends,
I have been diagnosed with AIDS.
The friends gave OMalley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, OMalleys son leaned over and whispered his confusion. Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer…. but you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!OMalley said, I dont want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone.

1. You take more pride in your number of stars than you do your GPA.2. You find yourself calling your friends at school Rufio and pandapooky.3. You refer to yourself in real life as your YT name.4. When someone asks a lot of questions to you, you say, Youre a real Falconwing!5. You are Falconwing.6. You buy a YT t-shirt.7. You buy 1000 YT t-shirts and give them away to your school/workplace.8. You write a newspaper article or report on Buddy.9. Your closest friends have names like jesusfreek and envethis.10.You refer to buddy as your god.

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, Officer, I dont understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

Maam, the officer replies, You werent speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous.

I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour! the old woman said.

The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

But before I let you go, Maam, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken, the officer asked.

Oh, theyll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.

This guys at work when he receives a call from
the hospital informing him that his wifes been in
an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where
hes met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting
room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his
face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy
interrupts.

Guy: Doc, dont tell me my wifes dead. I just cant take it. Really, I cant
take it. I love her.

Doctor: Well, sir, I do have some bad news.
Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: Doc, just tell me, did she make it?
Doctor: As I was saying, we did all we could. Right
now shes in a vegatative state, which is likely
where shell remain for the rest of her life. She
can stay here overnight, but after that, youll have
to take her home because your insurance doesnt cover
this type of thing.

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times
a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, shell likely
live for at least another 30 years.

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: As I said, your insurance doesnt cover this kind of care, so youll
have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment youll need
for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell
it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. Youre gonna need the excess
cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you
to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify
for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid.

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.
The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder
and says, Hey, look at me. The guy looks up and
the doctor smiles and says, Im just fucking with
you, shes dead.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
   
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
   
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
   
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount
   of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
   
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies,
   astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
   
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the
   amount of time given.
   
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
   infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
   
8. If at first I dont succeed, there is always next year.
   
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change
   my mind.
   
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write
    the first word, when I get around to it.
    
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the
    task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to
    beginning the greater task.
    
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
    
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
    
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles
    (the Procrastinators Society) if they ever get it organized.
    

Because he just came to pick up his sister!

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins. Jesus Christ, woman! What was that for? he yells. Thats for 60 years of bad sex. she replies. A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins. Ow!! she yells. What was THAT for?? The husband looks at her and says, Thats for knowing the difference.

You might be a redneck if your toilet has more carpet than your floor!