A group of Italians and a group of Poles heard that the telephone company was looking for people so they applied. The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring Anyone so they sent the teams out to install telphone poles. At the end of the day they reported back on how they had done.

The Italian team had installed 10 telephone poles and the Polish team one. The Italians were hired.

The Polish team protested that the Italians had cheated because the Italians left most of the poles sticking out of the ground.

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, What happened to the other five condoms? His nervous reply was, Er, I masturbated with them. Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, Have you ever done that? Yeah, once or twice, he told her. You mean youve actually masturbated with a condom before? she asked. Oh, he said, I thought you were asking if Id ever lied to my girlfriend.

If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing I thought you loved me!, and run from the room.Tell a middle-aged wife, Your husband seems very happy with that girl in the closet…Tell a middle aged man, Your wife seems very happy with that boy in the closet…Whisper to the guest on your right, What kind of lame moron actually goes to these parties, anyway?Bring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical expert, reenact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two, etc.Bring a soccer ball, basketball, football, or baseball. Start a game… in the kitchen.Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. The doctor says Im not allergic to anything except sheep and birds…If someone says the word no to you, say, How dare you turn down the prince / princess of Ugranialo!Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, Ive done it! Ive found Atlantis!Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim, Grandmother! its me, Anastasia!If it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another guest: Summer nights. Persuade the host to sing Youre the one that I want with you.Come in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for (insert name of host).

How can you tell the difference between mens real gifts and their guilt gifts?

Guilt gifts are nicer.

A woman who ignored doctors and had a fly puff in a hospital ward while visiting a sick friend fell out of a window.

German Inge Brunner lost her balance while puffing out of the window and plunged 65 feet.

But she escaped serious injury after an ash tree (Ash tree? How very apropos… MM) broke her fall.

The 25-year-old was able to walk back inside the hospital (VERY convenient place to fall off a window…) in Tuebingen where she was treated for cuts and bruises.

Afterwards she vowed: Im going to give up smoking straight away. I had asked the doctors if I could smoke inside and they said no as it was bad for my health.

I ignored them and decided to smoke out the window so no one would know, but lost my balance.

But I have learned my lesson. No more cigarettes for me.

(Source: Daily Record and Sunday Mail, Wednesday, 7/18/01)

These snippets from Polish Police reports – purported to be true – have been translated and submitted to another list by Andrzej Zychla

The corpse was very well-exposed – nicely arranged into the door frame.
The investigation was hindered because the pig had already been consumed.
The suspect relieved himself – soiling his trousers in order to escape responsibility.
I curtailed my investigation due to the fact that the couple was in need of medico-sexual attention.
Throwing water on the victim did not help – the deceased remained dead.
On the road lay a dead dog, and next to its probable owner – also dead.
With the drunken woman was found a sober infant.
Careful investigation revealed that the sack was empty due to the fact that it contained a hole.
The victim was kicked in the sitting part of her body.
The victim does not admit to guilt due to personal reasons and his own opinion.
The victim was driven to the hospital to be placed in its morgue.
A crowned eagle was desecrated on my head.
I repeatedly emphasize that the police foot patrol is in no state to effectively apprehend the fleeing automobile.
He had been hiding in the dumpster, which resulted in his stinking so intensely that even the police dog made a face.
On patrolling the streets, I noticed calm.
The owner struck the horse until death.
At the scene of the crime I discovered three corpses, two of which showed signs of life in the form of curses, the third being completely deceased.
In the forest we found trees, bushes and other objects of unknown origin.
It was a dog of Alsatian make.
The investigated person had seen neither the suspect nor anything else due to the fact that he was blind.
The suspect beat his wife with whom he had five children with the help of a bit of string.

What do you get when you put a Gay guy and a dinosaur together?

A:> A MegasaurASS

The heads of the four branches of the armed (US) military were standing around one day talking about which service had the biggest balls. After a lengthy debate, the four came to the conclusion demonstrations would have to be used to decide which was the best of the services.

First they went to an Army base. The Army general went up to a young soldier and to him to run through the firing range.

With a quick, Yes, sir! the private took off. Not five steps into his mission, he was hit several times and killed.

The Army general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

Next they arrived at an air base where the Air Force general ordered a young airman to dive out of a plane at 10,000 feet, without a parachute.

The airman said, Yes sir. and off he went. When at the required altitude, the airman hurled himself from the plane. He hit the ground with a nauseating squish.

The Air Force general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

The next stop was a Marine base. The Marine general ordered the first Marine he found to lay down in front of an oncoming tank.

The Marine barked, Yes Sir! and ran out on the field. The tank roared over the poor Marine leaving very little to bury.

The Marine general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

Finally they went to the coast to a naval base. The Navy Admiral walks up to one of the carriers docked at the pier and yells up to a young deck seaman.

Sailor, I want you to jump off that carrier down to the pier where Im standing.

The Sailor looks down at the admiral and said, Pardon me sir?

The admiral replied, I want you to jump off that ship on to the pier.

The Sailor looks down at the seven stories to the pier, turns back to the admiral and says, FUCK YOU SIR!

The admiral turns to the other three with a grin from ear to ear and says, Now THAT takes Balls!

Q: Why cannibals dont eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny.

How can you tell if a man is a WASP?

He gets out of the shower to pee.