Old and New Jokes

1. You take more pride in your number of stars than you do your GPA.2. You find yourself calling your friends at school Rufio and pandapooky.3. You refer to yourself in real life as your YT name.4. When someone asks a lot of questions to you, you say, Youre a real Falconwing!5. You are Falconwing.6. You buy a YT t-shirt.7. You buy 1000 YT t-shirts and give them away to your school/workplace.8. You write a newspaper article or report on Buddy.9. Your closest friends have names like jesusfreek and envethis.10.You refer to buddy as your god.

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, Officer, I dont understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

Maam, the officer replies, You werent speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous.

I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour! the old woman said.

The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

But before I let you go, Maam, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken, the officer asked.

Oh, theyll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.

This guys at work when he receives a call from
the hospital informing him that his wifes been in
an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where
hes met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting
room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his
face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy
interrupts.

Guy: Doc, dont tell me my wifes dead. I just cant take it. Really, I cant
take it. I love her.

Doctor: Well, sir, I do have some bad news.
Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: Doc, just tell me, did she make it?
Doctor: As I was saying, we did all we could. Right
now shes in a vegatative state, which is likely
where shell remain for the rest of her life. She
can stay here overnight, but after that, youll have
to take her home because your insurance doesnt cover
this type of thing.

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times
a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, shell likely
live for at least another 30 years.

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: As I said, your insurance doesnt cover this kind of care, so youll
have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment youll need
for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell
it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. Youre gonna need the excess
cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you
to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify
for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid.

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.
The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder
and says, Hey, look at me. The guy looks up and
the doctor smiles and says, Im just fucking with
you, shes dead.

Because he just came to pick up his sister!

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
   
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
   
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
   
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount
   of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
   
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies,
   astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
   
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the
   amount of time given.
   
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
   infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
   
8. If at first I dont succeed, there is always next year.
   
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change
   my mind.
   
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write
    the first word, when I get around to it.
    
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the
    task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to
    beginning the greater task.
    
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
    
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
    
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles
    (the Procrastinators Society) if they ever get it organized.
    

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins. Jesus Christ, woman! What was that for? he yells. Thats for 60 years of bad sex. she replies. A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins. Ow!! she yells. What was THAT for?? The husband looks at her and says, Thats for knowing the difference.

You might be a redneck if your toilet has more carpet than your floor!

You might be a redneck if…
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors douvre

Hobbitat for Humanity

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, Do you still get horny? The other replies, Oh sure I do.

The first old lady asks, What do you do about it? The second old lady replies, I suck a lifesaver.

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, Who drives you to the beach?