Old and New Jokes

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark. And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. OK, Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, Im your man.

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

Noah! shouted the Lord, Where is My ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the arks construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.

My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldnt let me catch them, so no owls.

Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.

Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

Right now, Im still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities Im supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I dont think I can finish the ark in less than five years.

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. You mean you are not going to destroy the world? he asked hopefully.

No, said the Lord. The government already has.

REAL STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICAL
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person whoanswered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" I worked with an individual who plugged theirpower strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why theircomputer would not turn on."Do you know anythingabout this fax-machine?"

"A little. Whatswrong?"

"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient calledback to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again,and the same thing happened."

"How did you load the sheet?"

"Its a pretty sensitive memo, and I didnt want anyone else to read it byaccident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it." I recently saw a distraught young lady weepingbeside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now Icant get into my car. Do you think that store wouldhave a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?"I asked.

"No, just this remote,"she answered, handing it and thecar keys to me. As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said"Why dont you drive over there and check about the batteries? Its a longwalk."Tech Support: What does the screensay now?
Caller: It says Hit ENTER when ready.
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when its ready? A man moved to New Mexico and called his creditcompany to change his address. When he told the girl where he was moving, she told him that she couldnt help him since they didnt issue cards outside of the United States! My friend called his car insurance company totell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the callasked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said,"Look, Im not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"Several years ago, we had an intern who was nonetoo swift. One day, he was typing and turned to a secretary.

"Im almost outof typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," shetold him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it onthe photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies One of our servers crashed. I was watchingour new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed totype a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused,asking me "Wheres the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and hesaid,"You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."I replied,"You mean the letter "i"?" and he said,"Yeah, thatsit!" I was in a car dealership a while ago when alarge motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need ofrepair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruisecontrol, then went in back to make a sandwich.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, Theyre all lookin to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the mans opinion.

Well said the man, Shes just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

Well, the man replied, Shes just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, Shes perfect, just perfect! Shes the one I want to marry! So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

Well, explained the farmer, She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.

A group of Italians and a group of Poles heard that the telephone company was looking for people so they applied. The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring Anyone so they sent the teams out to install telphone poles. At the end of the day they reported back on how they had done.

The Italian team had installed 10 telephone poles and the Polish team one. The Italians were hired.

The Polish team protested that the Italians had cheated because the Italians left most of the poles sticking out of the ground.

Actual personal ads from actual newspapers all across America as collected by Kathy Hinckley in Plain Fat Chick Seeks Guy Who Likes Broccoli.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 510, brown/blue.

SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.

Dont call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 510; over 40 years old, 68, 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.

Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommates hair fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.

Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving, romantic S/DWF with round, bulging bubble butt and pretty face with monogamous intentions, 28-40.

Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits. Great job, big house, pool. SWM, 33, 60, 144 lbs. Better looking than Bill Gates.

And then there were these from the PERVCONNECTION:

I need to be punished! Well-off older WM needs expert discipline from young, under 30 men or women. Enjoy leg worship and harness-training.

Married WF seeks bald Asian dwarves for sex experiments. I love it when you little bastards are naked.

If interested in first-time group sex experience. Safe sex only with sensitive, attractive couples or groups, no animals. Age unimportant. Will travel. Lets be buddies!

Put on the rubber glove and call me sweetheart.

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, What happened to the other five condoms? His nervous reply was, Er, I masturbated with them. Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, Have you ever done that? Yeah, once or twice, he told her. You mean youve actually masturbated with a condom before? she asked. Oh, he said, I thought you were asking if Id ever lied to my girlfriend.

If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing I thought you loved me!, and run from the room.Tell a middle-aged wife, Your husband seems very happy with that girl in the closet…Tell a middle aged man, Your wife seems very happy with that boy in the closet…Whisper to the guest on your right, What kind of lame moron actually goes to these parties, anyway?Bring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical expert, reenact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two, etc.Bring a soccer ball, basketball, football, or baseball. Start a game… in the kitchen.Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. The doctor says Im not allergic to anything except sheep and birds…If someone says the word no to you, say, How dare you turn down the prince / princess of Ugranialo!Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, Ive done it! Ive found Atlantis!Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim, Grandmother! its me, Anastasia!If it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another guest: Summer nights. Persuade the host to sing Youre the one that I want with you.Come in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for (insert name of host).

How can you tell the difference between mens real gifts and their guilt gifts?

Guilt gifts are nicer.

These snippets from Polish Police reports – purported to be true – have been translated and submitted to another list by Andrzej Zychla

The corpse was very well-exposed – nicely arranged into the door frame.
The investigation was hindered because the pig had already been consumed.
The suspect relieved himself – soiling his trousers in order to escape responsibility.
I curtailed my investigation due to the fact that the couple was in need of medico-sexual attention.
Throwing water on the victim did not help – the deceased remained dead.
On the road lay a dead dog, and next to its probable owner – also dead.
With the drunken woman was found a sober infant.
Careful investigation revealed that the sack was empty due to the fact that it contained a hole.
The victim was kicked in the sitting part of her body.
The victim does not admit to guilt due to personal reasons and his own opinion.
The victim was driven to the hospital to be placed in its morgue.
A crowned eagle was desecrated on my head.
I repeatedly emphasize that the police foot patrol is in no state to effectively apprehend the fleeing automobile.
He had been hiding in the dumpster, which resulted in his stinking so intensely that even the police dog made a face.
On patrolling the streets, I noticed calm.
The owner struck the horse until death.
At the scene of the crime I discovered three corpses, two of which showed signs of life in the form of curses, the third being completely deceased.
In the forest we found trees, bushes and other objects of unknown origin.
It was a dog of Alsatian make.
The investigated person had seen neither the suspect nor anything else due to the fact that he was blind.
The suspect beat his wife with whom he had five children with the help of a bit of string.

A woman who ignored doctors and had a fly puff in a hospital ward while visiting a sick friend fell out of a window.

German Inge Brunner lost her balance while puffing out of the window and plunged 65 feet.

But she escaped serious injury after an ash tree (Ash tree? How very apropos… MM) broke her fall.

The 25-year-old was able to walk back inside the hospital (VERY convenient place to fall off a window…) in Tuebingen where she was treated for cuts and bruises.

Afterwards she vowed: Im going to give up smoking straight away. I had asked the doctors if I could smoke inside and they said no as it was bad for my health.

I ignored them and decided to smoke out the window so no one would know, but lost my balance.

But I have learned my lesson. No more cigarettes for me.

(Source: Daily Record and Sunday Mail, Wednesday, 7/18/01)