Old and New Jokes

Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for a

walk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat.

What is heat? Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working on

car.

Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for a

walk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat. What is heat

Dad?

Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy and

brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it

in Gasoline and swips her bottom with it.

Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down the

street and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says

where is missy?

Angela said missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her down

the street.

A man goes to his doctor and says. Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.

The doctor says You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.

The man says You have a deal Doc.

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor says What happened?

The man answered Nobody Showed UP!

An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard! Suddenly, the light turns yellow just in front of him. He does the honest thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens
the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, Im very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the Choose Life license plate holder, the What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday School bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.

Polands worst air disaster occurred today when a two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery late this morning in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Billy the rabbit was a scientific experimental rabbit, They kept him loecked up in a cage 24 hours a day with no room to run jump and play.

He was totally pissed off by this. One day, however, Billy discovered how to unhook the cage latch and open the door! Woah! He could escape – be free! He kept silent, then when night came, made his move. Opening the cage he leapt out and run for dear life out into freedom. He ran until he came to his old patch – all his friends were there still.

Whey hey! Its Billy they all cheered as the fed him gourmet lettuce and water. You shall have the best we can provide they all said.

Billy was happy that they remembered him and helped himself to the lions share of the best food they could find.

His friends also gave him the pick of the chicks that night, Here, Billy – chose whichever you want – however many you want!

Billy chose Roberta and Hannah, he chose wisely – they were the best looking rabbits in the warren. They were at it all night, non-stop!

Billy was indeed a happy bunny. But morning came and he had to say goodbye to his old friends.

Youre going? they questioned. Where to?

Oh, Ive got to get back to the labs replied Billy.

Back to the labs? But you escaped from there – youre free!

Yeah, guys, the food, water and chicks are nice said Billy Its all so nice, but I really must get back to the labs – Im gasping for a cigarette!

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

Sixty is the worst age to be, announced the 60 year old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!

Ah, thats nothing, said the 60 year old. When youre 70, you cant take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran – you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !

Actually, said the eighty year old, Eighty is the worst age of all.

Do you have trouble peeing too?, asked the sixty year old.

No … not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse – no problem at all.

Do you have trouble taking a crap?, asked the 70 year old.

No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30.

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six oclock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. Whats so tough about being eighty?

To which the eighty year old replied – I dont wake up until ten!

Q: Whats a Jewish American Princess favorite position?


A: Facing Bloomingdales

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill. The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. Whats so funny? asks the clerk.

I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house, the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, Here are two bullets, Ill give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wifes head off and shoot the guys dick off.

The man takes another look through the scope and says,

You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!

Moshe walks into a bar and sits down. He gets out a tiny little box and to the man sitting next to hims surprise the box starts playing music. After further inspection the man realises that inside the box is a ten inch pianist playing on a tiny grand piano.

Thats incredible!, the man says, Where did you get that?

Well, says Moshe, I found this magic lamp. At that Moshe pulls aout a magic lamp from his jacket.

The man says Could I make a wish please?

Moshe agrees to the mans wishes but does warn him about the lamp:


The thing is, the lamp doesnt work very well…

However the man is already rubbing the lamp. After the man stops making his wish, the bar fills with hundreds of thousands of hound dogs, barking and biting.

I didnt wish for this, the man says in utter surprise, I wished for a million POUNDS

So Moshe replies Well did you thing I wished for a 10-inch PIANIST?

During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so he the German doctor amputated his arm. He had a request that they would drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did. Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked for the same thing. So the Germans did. The next week they amputated his leg and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England. The German doctor replied, “Nein, Ve do dis no more!” The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, “Ve tink you trying to escape!”