Old and New Jokes

Monday morning in biology class and the professor was asking questions about the weekends reading assignment. Who can tell me what part of the human body expands to 10 times its normal size when excited or stimulated?

He called on Stelle, an attractive coed who promptly blushed, saying, I refuse to answer that question on account that I am a _lady_.

The professor then called on the class valedictorian who said, That part of the body is the eye, maam.

The professor then said, Stelle, I can tell two things by your answer. One, you didnt read your assignment. And two, youre going to be sorely disappointed on your wedding night!

– from Playboys jokes 1963

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news. Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgment is at hand, and our faith in His existence is justified. After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, He was calling from Salt Lake City.

Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.

Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long
counter intuitive names. Dont ever code a=b, rather do something
like:

AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));

Type fast, think slow.

Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in
macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include
files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference
those include files.

Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your
code. If they understand it, they dont need you.

Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary
in the world should be generated from the same sources.

Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always
hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they dont
need you.

Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a
pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.

Never discuss things in concrete terms. Always speak in abstract. If
they can understand you, they dont need you.

Never complete a project on time. If you do, they will think it was
easy and anyone can do it and they dont need you.

When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever
but dont answer the question. If they get their questions answered
they dont need you.

Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup. When
someone asks you out to lunch, reply:

I cant because Ive almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP
client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP over TCP
sending SNMP inquiry results to be encapsulated in UDP
packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with
release 3.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working.

Never clean your office. Absolutely never throw away an old listing.

Never say hello to someone in hallway. Absolutely never address
someone by name. If you must address someone by name, mumble or use
the wrong name. Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out
from concentrating on complex logic.

Never wear a shirt that matches your pants. Wear a wrinkled shirt
whenever possible. Your shirt must never be tucked in completely.
Button the top button without wearing a tie. This will maximize your
mystique.

15> Your meals look just like the pictures on the cover of the
magazine — Aviation Disaster Weekly.

14> Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual
Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.

13> Jack Kevorkian keeps writing to ask for recipes.

12> Your leftovers dont have an expiration date… they have
a half-life.

11> When no ones looking, the dog sneaks your food to his
heartworms after your son sneaks it to him.

10> The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast nook.

9> After all this time, it turns out the recipes were calling
for *chicken* eggs.

8> First day in the kitchen, your job was toast the bread.
Then you were downgraded to cut the bread. Now its
simply stop your bleeding.

7> You still cant figure out what the hell a tiblisp is.

6> The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe
as a repair compound for leaky battleships.

5> After lower than anticipated craving for your arroz con
stinkbug, you think you overhear your fellow Survivors
discussing how to cook stew. Your name? Stu.

4> The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.

3> Your Chicken a la King is served on a bed of shocking
gray hair.

2> Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.

1> Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book, and
proceeds to beat you with it.

You might live in a redneck town

if the Dollar-General is bigger than the Wal-Mart.

Beverly had decided that she would learn to play golf, so she signed
up for and took lessons. After six months of diligent effort she was
ready to play eighteen holes with three of her friends.

Out on the course she was stung by a bee. Fearing an allergic reaction
she hurried back to the clubhouse to find the pro.

Ive been stung by a bee! What shall I do?

Where were you stung?

Between the first and second hole!

Beverly, we need to work on your stance…

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "Godand me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so hes fixed it so that when I getup in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee,and then (poof!) the light goes off when Im done." "Wow," commentedDr. Smith, "thats incredible!" A little later in the dayDr. Smith called Georges wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically hes great. But I had to call because Im in awe of hisrelationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) thelight goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed,"That old fool! Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!"

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider! she wailed.

Why do you want a glass of cider? asked her mom.

I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!

Confused, but weary of the childs whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesnt work! she whined.

What are you talking about? asked her increasingly perplexed parent, What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?

Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she cant wait to get it in cider.

Incident at the old swimming pool

by jiM Mica

Im sure Ive mentioned that I swim at the pool at work whenever I can. The pool seems to be the exercise venue for the halt and the lame. Professor Richs started going there years ago when he hurt himself running. I go there with my obesity and diabetes. And, Dr. Stan has been swimming since he lost the front end of a foot in a car accident a while back. Before the accident he was an ardent runner.

Besides us old coots, the pool also serves as an exercise spot for many physically and/or emotionally challenged kids. They get brought to the pool by their parents and then get to swim under the watchful eye of our physical therapy students -and their instructors of course.

The strangest thing happened a few weeks back when Dr. Stan and I were leaving the pool for the showers and a bunch of the young kids were being readied for their turn in the water. As we walked by the kids, exchanging pleasantries as usual, one of the little boys suddenly started screaming!

Bad foot! he wailed. Man have bad foot! Bad foot, bad foot, bad foot, AAAAAARRRRGGHGHGH!!!

It took several of our college students and their professor to get the kid calmed down again. Wed never seen anything like it.

Stan and I went on to the locker room and, a few minutes later, the prof whod been working with kids showed up.

Dr. Stan, he said, I am truly sorry for that outburst. The little fellow is OK now, but that was the worst case of lack-toes intolerance Ive ever encountered.

Stan mumbled in agreement as he pulled his shoes on.

© by the author, MMI

Taken from Q&A in NEW SCIENTIST magazine: (I dont know how true this is…)

Q. I have heard that it is possible to live on Guinness and milk alone. Is this true, or even partially true?

A. This is not quite true. Guinness does contain many vitamins and minerals in small quantities, but is lacking vitamin C, as well as calcium and fat. So, to fulfil all of your daily nutritional requirements you would need to drink a glass of orange juice, two glasses of milk, and 47 pints of Guinness.