An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard! Suddenly, the light turns yellow just in front of him. He does the honest thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens
the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, Im very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the Choose Life license plate holder, the What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday School bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.
Billy the rabbit was a scientific experimental rabbit, They kept him loecked up in a cage 24 hours a day with no room to run jump and play.
He was totally pissed off by this. One day, however, Billy discovered how to unhook the cage latch and open the door! Woah! He could escape – be free! He kept silent, then when night came, made his move. Opening the cage he leapt out and run for dear life out into freedom. He ran until he came to his old patch – all his friends were there still.
Whey hey! Its Billy they all cheered as the fed him gourmet lettuce and water. You shall have the best we can provide they all said.
Billy was happy that they remembered him and helped himself to the lions share of the best food they could find.
His friends also gave him the pick of the chicks that night, Here, Billy – chose whichever you want – however many you want!
Billy chose Roberta and Hannah, he chose wisely – they were the best looking rabbits in the warren. They were at it all night, non-stop!
Billy was indeed a happy bunny. But morning came and he had to say goodbye to his old friends.
Youre going? they questioned. Where to?
Oh, Ive got to get back to the labs replied Billy.
Back to the labs? But you escaped from there – youre free!
Yeah, guys, the food, water and chicks are nice said Billy Its all so nice, but I really must get back to the labs – Im gasping for a cigarette!
Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
Sixty is the worst age to be, announced the 60 year old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!
Ah, thats nothing, said the 60 year old. When youre 70, you cant take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran – you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !
Actually, said the eighty year old, Eighty is the worst age of all.
Do you have trouble peeing too?, asked the sixty year old.
No … not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse – no problem at all.
Do you have trouble taking a crap?, asked the 70 year old.
No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30.
With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six oclock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. Whats so tough about being eighty?
To which the eighty year old replied – I dont wake up until ten!
Q: Whats a Jewish American Princess favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill. The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. Whats so funny? asks the clerk.
I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house, the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, Here are two bullets, Ill give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wifes head off and shoot the guys dick off.
The man takes another look through the scope and says,
You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!
Moshe walks into a bar and sits down. He gets out a tiny little box and to the man sitting next to hims surprise the box starts playing music. After further inspection the man realises that inside the box is a ten inch pianist playing on a tiny grand piano.
Thats incredible!, the man says, Where did you get that?
Well, says Moshe, I found this magic lamp. At that Moshe pulls aout a magic lamp from his jacket.
The man says Could I make a wish please?
Moshe agrees to the mans wishes but does warn him about the lamp:
The thing is, the lamp doesnt work very well…
However the man is already rubbing the lamp. After the man stops making his wish, the bar fills with hundreds of thousands of hound dogs, barking and biting.
I didnt wish for this, the man says in utter surprise, I wished for a million POUNDS
So Moshe replies Well did you thing I wished for a 10-inch PIANIST?
During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so he the German doctor amputated his arm. He had a request that they would drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did. Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked for the same thing. So the Germans did. The next week they amputated his leg and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England. The German doctor replied, “Nein, Ve do dis no more!” The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, “Ve tink you trying to escape!”
Dr. Jack Kavorkian now has two methods to assist his patients, toxic air and U.S.Air.
Fly U.S.Air and earn Freaked Out Flyer Points
Did you hear about the woman that gave birth on a TWA flight? She would have chosen U.S.Air, but she is Pro Life.
Some useful descriptions of people you may come into contact with from day to day.
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasnt watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
7. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
9. Fell out of the family tree.
10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming.
11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12. Hes so dense, the light bends around him.
13. If he were any more stupid, hed have to be watered twice a week.
14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
15. Its hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch 60 Minutes.
18. One burger short of a happy meal.
Throughout numerous cultures, the concept of the devil has been a constant, yet his name has varied. For instance, In German legend he has been called Krumnase meaning crooked nose, Ziegenbart meaning goatbeard, Spiegelglanz meaning mirror-sight and finally Shortzenanklez meaning guy with shorts around his ankles.
Where the odds of getting hit by lightning are almost 1 in a million, the odds are only 1 in 5 that some day youll get rear-ended in a parking lot by a guy named Herb.
Although hard to believe, of 1000 proctologists polled, over 79% say that in any given work day, they use the word AND far more than they use the word BUT.
Of 3 million women movie-goers polled, 2.1 million stated that what a date orders at the snack bar can provide an initial indication of that person as a sexual partner. All 2.1 million stated that a date who orders Goobers has no chance in hell.
In 1994, over 39 million Americans borrowed tools from their next door neighbors. To date, only 6 have been returned.
Most people know that the currencies of Japan and England are the yen and the pound, respectively. But most people dont know that the basic unit of currency for the country of Yemen is the dungbuck.
Mary Mallon, a cook who lived in New York City around 1900, was identified as a chronic carrier of the typhoid bacilli. She was the cause of at least 53 outbreaks of typhoid fever and hence became known as Typhoid Mary. She is not to be confused with Buffoon Tyler, a man who lived in New Jersey in the early seventies, who constantly wore his shorts over his pants.
Mildred Farmer was a baker of connfections in Dorchester, Massachusetts in the late 1800s. While contemporary history remembers her as a charmingly maternal figure, she was actually a visciously competitive woman who would sneek into her competitors kitchens and sit on their chocolate creations with her bare buttocks, hence earning her the nickname Fanny.
In the 1960s and 1970s, scientists conducted experiments on how different forms of music affected plant development. They found that plants exposed to classical music responded most favorably with lush and abundant growth and good root development. Jazz music produced a slight increase in growth. Exposure to country music brought about no significant changes. And last, but not least, those plants exposed to acid rock were quickly picked and smoked.